day 2...12/29/11

Take off that face

you are fooling no one

I know you best

and hate what you have become

a snake in the shadows

charming with your hiss

evil creates hate

hate demoralizes bliss

get off your pedestal

no one is buying your act

forgive and fuckin forget

somewhere deep down is my best friend

wish I could find her

end the pretending and come back

day 1

it plays back like an epitaph

a reminder of children past

gluing it all together

the reasons why the future is far from near

ticking ticking the moon changes phases

the night burns brightly in their eyes

which way is up?

still you hold to the ground

angels sing till glass crunches beneath the feet of hopefuls

dead men tell no tails of the sea

mere myths of what it could be

swallow these stepping stones

grasp the sun and lasso it till earth bleeds

my hands become lava that never solidifies even in this endless night

I burn brighter than Sirius

we bark in mayhem at the glimmer

take take the pieces of the lip of my vows

pour into the soul that lives

not mine

not yours

it does not exist.


I plan to write everyday... this is day 1, December 29th, 2011.

I don't know what to do like always

I honestly have no clue what to do. This decision is not the end of the world or even the end of my days but it matters to me and that is why it is weighing on me so heavily. My plan didn't work out but it didn't work out badly per say just differently than I expected. I originally thought, "Okay, I'll wait till he is ready." And now I think, "What if he is never ready?" I respect his choice of wanting to take it slow. I don't think he is a douche, an asshole, full of shit or just another guy leading me on. But, at the same time I don't know what to call him. Originally when he said being with me was far from his mind, I thought that it didn't matter and that all that did matter was how he made me feel. I failed to take in to account how I would feel 7 months from now possibly sitting next to him but not being with him. My idea to ask him out wasn't foolish, if anything it cleared up a lot of things for me. I have already learned a few things. I know no one can give me the answer but I just wish I had someone to help me figure this out because for 3 years I haven't felt this way and it would be a waste if I gave up now, right? Lets say in some parallel universe I was him and him me, and I told him I wanted to wait and didn't know if I'd ever be ready or let alone ready for him. And, lets say he liked me so much that he said he would wait. That seems admirable but also caustic. A part of me says "Don't wait." Another part says, "Wait because he is worth it." Then the other part says, "Yes, he is worth it but he may never realize you're worth it." And, then the other part of me says, "it isn't a matter of worth because both of you are undoubtedly worth each other, but rather it depends on something else which you can't figure out yet." This is a big deal to me because I have been waiting so long to feel this way and now I am either going to have to wait longer without the security of a win or leave like I always try and do. I don't want to leave but maybe it is what is best for me. The melodramatic part of me wants to leave and never look back. The conscious and sane part of me says suck it up and just be friends. Usually during writing I am able to figure out a solution to the madness in my head but now all I have is a clenched throat and a heavy, overburdened, too sensitive heart. I think I'd be waiting forever but maybe it is wrong of me to say that. I don't know :'( I think I need to pin point what is most important to me.

have heart or fuckin forget it

I am tired of waiting. I have waited for a while to feel this way about someone and I am done waiting for the commitment or the go ahead. Instead, I am going to do it myself because they always tell you to follow your heart and well my heart says, "Go". I have been saying recently that the heart not be intellectual because love is not a practical nor a structured thing composed by the mind but rather something composed with the heart. I realize it might scare the crap out of him. I realize he may hate it. I realize he may say no or that he isn't ready. I realize all this but I don't mind the risk because for once I will be able to recover from what could be tragedy. I have built up some protection and optimism that there will be another if he isn't the right one. Of course I hope he is the right one and that he says yes but all I can do is hope for the best. I am tired of wasting time not being with him. For a while I was telling myself that a title doesn't matter but I reconsidered and decided it actually does. Why? It matters because whether you're committing to another in a budding relationship or a life engagement, you are proposing in front of everyone how much you care and that you're somewhat bound to this other person. People say that the title doesn't matter because they know how much that person cares and that's all that they need. That is great and all but I want to commit myself fully to someone in every way possible because they mean that much to me. This sounds like a wedding proposal. Fuck no, it is not. I just want someone to be my boyfriend, be mine. Sue me for being a hopeless romantic. And another thing... I was talking to a friend and he said maybe I shouldn't post my blog on tumblr and twitter. This sparked my thinking of why I post it at all in the first place. I couldn't really answer that question because I told myself that the blog was just for me. I write for me and me only but the reason why I began this blog was to connect with people. Now I don't have mass followers or a million new comments everyday but according to my page views someone is reading my writing. I don't know who is reading it but it doesn't matter just as long as someone is and that someone either feels connected to my writing or it makes them think a bit more about life. So that's why I will keep posting this whether I have one person read it this whole month or 200 people. One is just enough for me. One last thing. You can ask people for advice on what to do but in the end it is your decision and your own advice that you need to take. Only you know you best, so stick with your gut even if in the end you're wrong.

Untitled for a reason

I am afraid. I am afraid of a lot of things. I am afraid of... 1.being compared to others and not being enough even though I know I have great qualities to offer. 2.it not being reciprocated. 3.putting all my feelings in one basket. 4.feeling too much. 5.being the person who cares more. 6.not being able to make people understand "why", even though it shouldn't matter if they get it or not. 7.having shallow sex. 8.people reading this and not understanding it, so instead they make up their own assumptions. (the risk you take with a blog) 9.telling people that I have failed, again. 10.having all these fears destroy everything. 11.being too sensitive. 12.not being best friends. 13.being lead on and then not realizing it. 14.the truth being too much. 15.being too afraid to enjoy anything. So why does this all matter? I think a lot of people including myself have fears that we don't confront because if we do run at them head on we have the risk of not conquering them at all. Some say that to try and face your fears is enough...I think this is true. Anywho, I wanted to write about the fear of feelings. If you're like me then everything and every emotion is like a cascade of water from the Hoover Dam that sometimes demolishes you. Lately, my feelings have been haywire. My feelings have been happy, infatuatious, jovial and all that other good crap. Unfortunately, this upbeat feeling is very unnatural to me and because I am always on the edge waiting for the leaning tower of feelings to fall. Why am I lucky? Am I so lucky that it is destined to not work out? Is it too good to be true? I am afraid of the end...the end of my days living under my parents constant advice and support, the end of my life as a kid, the end of my relationships, even the end of my life on Earth. It is as if I can't enjoy the moment for what it is because I am too stuck on looking forward and preparing for what could be devastation. I have been trying to work on this though. That's what I try and do most, prepare and control. Being in control doesn't always work out for the best either. Nature is natural, it has no specific agenda but to be. I want to be like nature. I don't want to think about anything but the now. Second topic I have been fretting over is shallow sex. As I have said in past blogs my life for a while was all about sex and when I was going to get my next high(sex was kind of a high/addiction too). I mean my sexual tendencies arose for a lot of reasons but one of them is because I thought I needed it. When you are addicted to something you think you have to have it or life won't be good or you won't be able to function. All you need is water,air,food and love. I thought that sex equaled love. I needed people to love me because I didn't love myself. I think back to my old relationships and see that my truest relationship led to a breakup that sucked so much because I thought I needed him. I thought no one will want me for who I am but him. I was very wrong, but it took me a while to figure it out. With this new endeavor I have been taking on I have been comparing it to some of my past flings and relationships and it is completely different. I think a big reason it is so different is because I don't need him and he doesn't need me. I just want him. When you need people and they leave you, you are left with what feels like nothing because you have invested so much want into that one thing or person and now it is gone. Yes I would still be a bit disheartened if things ended despite me only wanting him instead of needing him but that's because I care. I always care the most for some reason. And I swear I am getting to how this all relates to shallow sex...basically I have been thinking about what is going on between me and this guy and last night I thought, "Why haven't we had sex yet?""Does he not want to have sex with me?" And, because of my past habits I thought that the way he would show me he liked me was by having sex. I quickly shook myself free of this idea and said to myself, "you is fucking cray gurl!" Just kidding, I didn't say that at first but I should've! I mean regardless of whether he likes me enough to eventually start a relationships is irrelevant because what I realized is that I was gauging our "like" on sex. Some people don't have sex till marriage, so I guess that means they don't love each other till their wedding night, right? Yeah... this idea of sex equaling love does not make any fucking sense. People care/love someone before sex...sex is just an added experience that just makes love more awesome. Point is, is that I am tired of shallow sex. The next time I have sex I want it to mean something more than someone sticking their American sausage in my english McMuffin. :)

I haven’t been able to differentiate the past repeating itself and the present I’ve lost my sparkle and now it seems as if I’ll never get it back I know this is not true but you can’t always right a wrong All of it feels too good to be real that’s why I question it And then it is really the past being regurgitated before my eyes How do I stop the comparisons? Why can’t the sparkle thrive and thrive till it blossoms? I have this ability to kill it My thoughts, my woes, my everything is like carbon monoxide to the lungs You seize up and forget the fact that you were once breathing All you know is right now you can’t inhale even a breath of life Who will save me? No one will ever save me or you It is all up to me to fix me, to give myself some courage To fix the right that was never wrong To bring back my everlasting sparkle.

live fast

Everything is a mere reagent to the product that will affect me later. I want to be happy and complete now, not later. Besides you never know if you will get a later. I feel as if I am putting everything off to the side in order to prepare for later. I like instant gratification. The only instant gratification that I grant myself is sex. And even now I am getting no sex because I've chosen to save that for later. FUCK. Just when I think I have it all figured out life suddenly becomes a complete mess all over again. You know you read those stories of the people who abandon their so called lives and give everything up just to live boundless for instant. They jump on a train with only a 100 bucks and a hope that they will find something more worthwhile in this world compared to the monotony that they experience now. I go to school so that one day I can get a job. I work now to have money for later. I abstain from sex so that I don't go crazy later. I cry now so that I feel rejuvenated later. As you can see there are "nows" but they are only there to produce the laters. I wish I could just fucking throw it all away and just do everything now. Why does there have to be all this prerequisite shit? Oh yeah... that's because that is the way the world works. This procrastination to pleasure is making me feel like I have no life of my own... it is just a life I am trying to make for my FUTURE self instead of my NOW self. I understand that hard work produces rewards and that things don't just pop out of thin air and land on your doorstep ( except for Harry Potter ). But, I am so tired of living this life for someone who isn't even here yet ( the future Me ). I want to make a list of all the things I want to do NOW instead of later. It isn't rushing life, it is running right beside life. Maybe I'll make a list... or maybe I'll just wait till Thursday to talk about all of this in therapy.