Hurting

I gave myself to him and now all he can do is jump on the next girl who is willing to take him in. It hurts so much to see him wash away all the things we had, so I also decided to wash away mine with self mutilation. He doesn't even give a shit about me or my feelings. All the shit he said is bull shit. One night he called me beautiful, I was so embarrassed because no guy had ever really said it. And he, to my knowledge was innocent so I believed his remark believing every word of it. And now I feel like a girl he just had sex with and nothing more. And everyday in class he ignores me and I can't even look at him because I am so hurt. For once I though I had it all right, like he was perfect for me. He was sweet, caring, good with my family, and he made me feel special. I was so comfortable around him it felt so weird that someone could like me for me. But it was all too good to be true. Ah so cliche but there is truth in it. I really don't believe in myself ever finding love. I know I'm cynical and stuff but I can't help it, I have fucked up so many times that that is all that I seem to accomplish. I am tired of being a hoe, being hurt, and being a failure. I feel hopeless.
The End.

A loverly fairytale love

I can't wait for that day when I say those 3 words to someone. When deep down I can feel their meaning burn with passion, and I can look into that other person's eyes and know that with them I am safe, complete, myself, and in true bliss with every waking moment I spend with them. I remember while reading the series Twilight, I used to think that there was no way in hell that anyone or any love could be so perfect (if you're unfamiliar with the books, then to give you a summary- Edward Cullen is the most hunkiest man alive). And it used to make me cynical reading these books about love that made everything in life worth living for because all I saw in my life was horny boys who were arrogant, narcissistic, and just plain stupid. But I have come to the realization that I am young and that all good things come in time. But what about those people who never find "true love?" What's left for them? Maybe everyone finds their own love in different things like love, work, drugs, money, etc. Yet so many of us want to find it in a significant other, and I just can't help but wonder if I will get what I want; find someone who I am completely in love with and who is completely in love with me. But why would people write books or make movies about amazing men that do not exist? Maybe everyone is amazing in their own ways, I mean no one is perfect. I guess all I am trying to say is that I want that love so badly that I am afraid I'll give in too easily for something that is only a facade of love. Hopefully I wont go head over hills for the next guy who kisses my neck(it's my kryptonite).

requiem for a dream

Requiem has several meanings. It is a Mass for the repose of the souls of the dead or it can also be an act or a token of remembrance. I think both of these meanings are exemplified in the movie. Harry, Mrs.Goldfarb, Marion, and Tyrone are all searching for happiness. Sarah Goldfarb wants to not be alone anymore, she just wants to be loved by all and on tv in front of millions who will love her too. She is so determined that she puts her life at risk to achieve happiness. I have known this act also. Sometimes happiness seems like it is within reach if you could only reach a little further but what you may end up doing is reaching too far and fall; fall into an endless pit of troubles that never leave and that destroy everyone and everything around you. Just as with Marion and Harry, they both are addicts an it drives them to do crazy and what seems to be unethical things. Whichever way you look at it, they pushed it to the limit. Marion slept with people for money and drugs while Harry wanted that last bit of bliss so he shot up into his infected arm. No matter how far they reached, they lost a little of themselves in the process. So is it all worth it? Is happiness worth the pain or destruction. I don't think it is. There are actually healthy ways to find happiness. But when you get mixed up in the wrong things those tunnels of hope seem dark and far away so you end up taking the route that could in the end be fatal to your well-being. They all searched for happiness and in the end got something, but not truly what they wanted.They try and lift their souls with what they think is happiness while really it just drowns them even further to the bottom of the lake. Every time they live on the memory over and over in their heads trying too constantly find that same feeling whether its through drugs, having sex with strangers, or taking diet pills so you look as thin as you did 20 years ago. It is all part of life I suppose and if you concentrate on what was good in the past then you will miss what is happening in the future. That's a very true statement now and I hope I will head its hidden warning.

and today ...

So, I don't even know where to start. I have all these thoughts in my head and I just want to put em down somewhere where I can see them and sort them all out. So I did something bad, to you it may even seem horrible, but to me it's just bad. I really don't know how I get myself into these situations or how I can just ignore my morals or how I can sneak around so easily and not feel any pain towards the people I am hurting. Am I a monster? Maybe I'm nothing more than that. I was hooking up with two brothers at the same time and I recently, and finally told the only brother who didn't know what was going on. The shitty thing about having to tell the truth is knowing that in the end you could possibly hurt someone. And even worse about telling the truth when you have caused distress or pain is not having any consequences, therefore it then teaches you nothing(unless you're a fast learner, unlike me). Sometimes I even make the same mistakes twice. Anywho the shittiest thing about this guy I care about is that it's a lost cause, and I wish I could explain to you why it is a lost cause but I suppose that's too information for a blog and if he ever read this he probably wouldn't appreciate this. But telling the brother that didn't know was heartrenching, relieving, and it made me feel like a slut. Which I undoubtedly admit I am. I need not tell you how many or who I have had intimate relationships with but all I can tell you is that most of them got a free show without ever buying a ticket. Which is horrible! Do I not have any self worth ? I am just a silly young girl, but that doesn't justify my actions at all. I did the things I did usually under the influence and usually just for fun. Some of the people I had feelings for, and others none at all. It just sucks knowing that you wasted your time on people who didn't even care and who only wanted you for that one thing. And I am not trying to stereotype guys but usually that's all they are ever after, which is sex. And I hate to say that and maybe someday someone will prove me wrong. All together I think I should, for my own good, stay away from guys.

sorry not very interesting just had to vent.

Not standing a chance

It's true that personality is one of the keys to attraction but then again a big part of it, is looks. I mean some people would definitely pick beauty over brains. I necessarily don't know what I would pick if I had to choose for myself. Anywho recently I have been interested in this guy well I have been interested in a few but I have been hooking up with him every time I have seen him. I know this sounds stupid but I look at the comments that girls are leaving him on myspace and they are cute and gorgeous. I think I am pretty but nothing compared to them. Really I think everyone is beautiful in some sense whether it's on the inside or the outside. Personally I see myself as just, well average. It's funny though the guys I actually care about and actually want to start a relationship with don't give me the time of day( well at times they do). But it's horrible really, it makes me feel like nothing. But I just don't have the confidence. I guess it's because I am around such wonderful and amazing people who are succeeding way beyond their years and I am like a stagnant pond. I mean I can't deny some of my growth because I feel like I've made progress but at the same time I feel like any moment I could fall back into my own ways. I pity myself  that I do not have the strength or even the willpower of my friends. I hate pitying myself but it's hard to stop. But there are people out there that really care for me. Some people that I hardly talk to show me love and care. They compliment me and make me feel special. I believe people too easily and I know this is definitely a flaw of mine. But how can I not trust people when they're so nice to me. Maybe I am crazy or maybe I am completely sane but I feel lost in this turmoil of thoughts that seem to never leave me.

Thanks for reading

love Molly J.

thirteen

I remember that day so vividly. Not to the point of what I was wearing but exactly what I was feeling. I can't really tell you what drove me to the thought and the attempt of committing suicide. I was lost in a turmoil of my own depression, desperation, apathy, and indifference to life. I had few friends and no one I could truly turn to. How do you tell a friend that you're considering suicide? I don't know what I could even say to someone to get that thought out of their head. I felt so numb though that I was persistent to feel something, to feel death. Maybe I wasn't searching for death exactly maybe just a release from reality. To me my reality was hell. I was someone who I hated. I started smoking and drinking a lot. I know some people have gone further than me in the drug sense, but I don't think it matters how much you do or don't. What matters is why. Why are you putting yourself through this pain? To escape reality, to escape yourself, to escape your friends and life completely. It all started when I started dating Justin. I told anyone and everyone about him, but my secret didn't stay safe in the arms of my friends. They carried my secret throughout all of our friends with whispers of concern because I was dating and older guy. I started to hear them all talking about me and then I finally gave up on all my friendships that had been stable for so long. My cutting got worse and everything in general got worse. My outlet first was drinking, and anytime I could get my hands on some alcohol I would just drink not to feel. Then came the weed, the herb, the trees; whatever the hell you want to call it. But I guess you could say I was greatly influenced by people to start smoking weed. I admit weed isn't that bad until the moment you lose control and becoming mentally or physically addicted to it. I have no control over half of the things in my life and drugs in general was no exception. Weed was all around me to say the least, and it was readily available within a second. I started ditching school all the time with my friend. And I feel so bad that I ever got her into it. I mean it was bound to happen but I made it happen sooner. I do believe that everything is your own choice. And I take full responsibility for everything I have chosen to do. Things were just so easy back then, I could always get away with whatever I wanted. I was invincible. But as my grades fell, and my friends left, I started to hit rock bottom. But I got to my breaking point where I felt like I had nobody anymore. I had disappointed my parents by going out with Justin and just in general becoming a whole different person. So I thought why not? I have nothing to lose at all. So I sadly tried to commit suicide. I took about 20 pills of motrin even though when it came time I only told them 8. But little did I know that motrin would only make my stomach lining diminish and make my stomach bleed. I prayed to God that it would happen, that everyone would be sorry that the didn't pay attention to my pain. I wanted to show everyone that they were right, and that I was invisible and if i disappeared that nobody would give a fuck. It's sad I admit that I was that desperate but I guess it was all I knew. But anywho I couldn't live without saying what I thought would be my last goodbye so I called Tanna and I told her what I did. Her mom and her rushed over immediately. I could never ask for anything better. I didn't have the guts to tell my parents what I had done because I knew it would hurt them most. It was if my world had collapsed before my eyes and in a million years I would have never guessed that that was where I would end up. But don't fret this story has a happy ending. Maybe I did it for shock but I think it was my way of asking for help, because as I was ignored at school all I wanted was to be seen. I wanted to show everyone that I was hurting and needed help but I just didn't know how to. Thankfully all hope wasn't lost. I didn't die or even go to the emergency room. I was a little upset you could say but physically probably fine. The worst part of it was I hurt my two bestfriends. And if you read this, I hope that you know that that was never my intention but I thank you for being there before and after all the shit I fucking put you through. I consider my friends my guardian angels. They keep me grounded ( haha irony Mrs.kamita..). Anywho I am proud to say that I have changed for the better, that's not to say I had some major slip ups after. But at this very moment I am content with where I am. I am always trying to better myself and have hope. At times I don't think I can survive but I soon look at the beauty around me and know that I mean something to this world and that I am also part of its beauty.

Thanks for reading,

sorry if it was too .... I guess disturbing

mucho love <3456>