thirteen

I remember that day so vividly. Not to the point of what I was wearing but exactly what I was feeling. I can't really tell you what drove me to the thought and the attempt of committing suicide. I was lost in a turmoil of my own depression, desperation, apathy, and indifference to life. I had few friends and no one I could truly turn to. How do you tell a friend that you're considering suicide? I don't know what I could even say to someone to get that thought out of their head. I felt so numb though that I was persistent to feel something, to feel death. Maybe I wasn't searching for death exactly maybe just a release from reality. To me my reality was hell. I was someone who I hated. I started smoking and drinking a lot. I know some people have gone further than me in the drug sense, but I don't think it matters how much you do or don't. What matters is why. Why are you putting yourself through this pain? To escape reality, to escape yourself, to escape your friends and life completely. It all started when I started dating Justin. I told anyone and everyone about him, but my secret didn't stay safe in the arms of my friends. They carried my secret throughout all of our friends with whispers of concern because I was dating and older guy. I started to hear them all talking about me and then I finally gave up on all my friendships that had been stable for so long. My cutting got worse and everything in general got worse. My outlet first was drinking, and anytime I could get my hands on some alcohol I would just drink not to feel. Then came the weed, the herb, the trees; whatever the hell you want to call it. But I guess you could say I was greatly influenced by people to start smoking weed. I admit weed isn't that bad until the moment you lose control and becoming mentally or physically addicted to it. I have no control over half of the things in my life and drugs in general was no exception. Weed was all around me to say the least, and it was readily available within a second. I started ditching school all the time with my friend. And I feel so bad that I ever got her into it. I mean it was bound to happen but I made it happen sooner. I do believe that everything is your own choice. And I take full responsibility for everything I have chosen to do. Things were just so easy back then, I could always get away with whatever I wanted. I was invincible. But as my grades fell, and my friends left, I started to hit rock bottom. But I got to my breaking point where I felt like I had nobody anymore. I had disappointed my parents by going out with Justin and just in general becoming a whole different person. So I thought why not? I have nothing to lose at all. So I sadly tried to commit suicide. I took about 20 pills of motrin even though when it came time I only told them 8. But little did I know that motrin would only make my stomach lining diminish and make my stomach bleed. I prayed to God that it would happen, that everyone would be sorry that the didn't pay attention to my pain. I wanted to show everyone that they were right, and that I was invisible and if i disappeared that nobody would give a fuck. It's sad I admit that I was that desperate but I guess it was all I knew. But anywho I couldn't live without saying what I thought would be my last goodbye so I called Tanna and I told her what I did. Her mom and her rushed over immediately. I could never ask for anything better. I didn't have the guts to tell my parents what I had done because I knew it would hurt them most. It was if my world had collapsed before my eyes and in a million years I would have never guessed that that was where I would end up. But don't fret this story has a happy ending. Maybe I did it for shock but I think it was my way of asking for help, because as I was ignored at school all I wanted was to be seen. I wanted to show everyone that I was hurting and needed help but I just didn't know how to. Thankfully all hope wasn't lost. I didn't die or even go to the emergency room. I was a little upset you could say but physically probably fine. The worst part of it was I hurt my two bestfriends. And if you read this, I hope that you know that that was never my intention but I thank you for being there before and after all the shit I fucking put you through. I consider my friends my guardian angels. They keep me grounded ( haha irony Mrs.kamita..). Anywho I am proud to say that I have changed for the better, that's not to say I had some major slip ups after. But at this very moment I am content with where I am. I am always trying to better myself and have hope. At times I don't think I can survive but I soon look at the beauty around me and know that I mean something to this world and that I am also part of its beauty.

Thanks for reading,

sorry if it was too .... I guess disturbing

mucho love <3456>