and today ...

So, I don't even know where to start. I have all these thoughts in my head and I just want to put em down somewhere where I can see them and sort them all out. So I did something bad, to you it may even seem horrible, but to me it's just bad. I really don't know how I get myself into these situations or how I can just ignore my morals or how I can sneak around so easily and not feel any pain towards the people I am hurting. Am I a monster? Maybe I'm nothing more than that. I was hooking up with two brothers at the same time and I recently, and finally told the only brother who didn't know what was going on. The shitty thing about having to tell the truth is knowing that in the end you could possibly hurt someone. And even worse about telling the truth when you have caused distress or pain is not having any consequences, therefore it then teaches you nothing(unless you're a fast learner, unlike me). Sometimes I even make the same mistakes twice. Anywho the shittiest thing about this guy I care about is that it's a lost cause, and I wish I could explain to you why it is a lost cause but I suppose that's too information for a blog and if he ever read this he probably wouldn't appreciate this. But telling the brother that didn't know was heartrenching, relieving, and it made me feel like a slut. Which I undoubtedly admit I am. I need not tell you how many or who I have had intimate relationships with but all I can tell you is that most of them got a free show without ever buying a ticket. Which is horrible! Do I not have any self worth ? I am just a silly young girl, but that doesn't justify my actions at all. I did the things I did usually under the influence and usually just for fun. Some of the people I had feelings for, and others none at all. It just sucks knowing that you wasted your time on people who didn't even care and who only wanted you for that one thing. And I am not trying to stereotype guys but usually that's all they are ever after, which is sex. And I hate to say that and maybe someday someone will prove me wrong. All together I think I should, for my own good, stay away from guys.

sorry not very interesting just had to vent.