live fast

Everything is a mere reagent to the product that will affect me later. I want to be happy and complete now, not later. Besides you never know if you will get a later. I feel as if I am putting everything off to the side in order to prepare for later. I like instant gratification. The only instant gratification that I grant myself is sex. And even now I am getting no sex because I've chosen to save that for later. FUCK. Just when I think I have it all figured out life suddenly becomes a complete mess all over again. You know you read those stories of the people who abandon their so called lives and give everything up just to live boundless for instant. They jump on a train with only a 100 bucks and a hope that they will find something more worthwhile in this world compared to the monotony that they experience now. I go to school so that one day I can get a job. I work now to have money for later. I abstain from sex so that I don't go crazy later. I cry now so that I feel rejuvenated later. As you can see there are "nows" but they are only there to produce the laters. I wish I could just fucking throw it all away and just do everything now. Why does there have to be all this prerequisite shit? Oh yeah... that's because that is the way the world works. This procrastination to pleasure is making me feel like I have no life of my own... it is just a life I am trying to make for my FUTURE self instead of my NOW self. I understand that hard work produces rewards and that things don't just pop out of thin air and land on your doorstep ( except for Harry Potter ). But, I am so tired of living this life for someone who isn't even here yet ( the future Me ). I want to make a list of all the things I want to do NOW instead of later. It isn't rushing life, it is running right beside life. Maybe I'll make a list... or maybe I'll just wait till Thursday to talk about all of this in therapy.

crazy stupid love

I talked to my friend today and he said "You sound happy," and I responded with, "I am happy." This threw me for a curveball because he could tell through the sound of my voice how happy I was, and honestly I haven't realized the difference yet. But, there is a big difference. I like someone and I just ( I mean like a week ago )started hanging out with this someone. The emotions, the happiness, the connection I have with this someone is freaking me out because it has been a week or so since we even started this something. When I am with him it is like everything falls into place, everything becomes effortless perfection because I never feel forced to produce some emotions that aren't there. I haven't felt this way about someone for a while, I'd say about 3 years. After my breakup with Nick I searched for something comparable, something that gave me the same feeling that he gave me. Looking back at my relationship with him, the only person I ever cared deeply for, I realized that what we had was magical but not exactly perfect (when I say perfect I mean the perfection of when everything fits together, not like a perfect relationship or anything completely unreal like that). Right now things seem perfect. Call it what you want: The honeymoon phase, infatuation, or young love. I am just so scared that this feeling is a sham, so much that I feel lost in my emotions. In the past I think I have suffocated in my emotions and taken the other person down with me because I couldn't sort out what I was feeling and what I tried to make myself feel. I am just riddled with fear because it feels so right and I want it to also be right (sometimes what feels right is wrong). What do I do? I don't want to blow up my own parade here! I like him. I want to know everything about him. I want him to know everything about me. I want to be around him as much as I can. I want to watch movies with him till dawn. I don't want any of it to stop. A WEEK! A FUCKING WEEK! I MUST BE CRAZY RIGHT? But then again I believe that Love is crazy. So here I am writing a blog about a crush...crazy. And as you can see from my track record...well...enough said.

I've got work in 5 hours and yet I am not sleeping (obvious). I could probably go back to sleep if I wanted to but I actually don't want to be alone in dreamworld right now. I was looking back at my last two posts and it is crazy because I don't remember it, I don't remember putting my thoughts into words. I know it sounds weird but I just had this moment where I said to myself, "oh that's how I felt." When you actually take the time to put your feelings into mere syllables and words it makes easier to remember how you felt. So, I have multiple things on my mind and I don't know where to start. I guess I'll start with tonight. Tonight I said what could be my last goodbye to someone I've grown up with and love with all my heart. He is being deployed on the 15th officially but tonight was his going away party. In a sense it was like funeral procession seeing everyone give their last goodbyes one right after the other, coming back for one more hug or even just a look. I think I hugged him 5 times and kissed him 2 because no matter how distant he has been these past 3 years I will always love him as if he was my second brother. For a while when Scott was in his annoying, pre teen, pick on Molly phase and Cody was my "only" brother. It feels like time has been wasted, that I have missed him growing up and he has missed me. I mean after he turned 21 I only heard about what he was doing but not actually seeing it because he was growing up. He left the house, worked an insane amount of hours being an EMT, had his own friends instead of just his family friends. And I don't despise him for it because I think that's what happens as you grow older, you start to create your own life. Since I am younger than him I was able to watch instead of participate. When I was saying goodbye to him tonight he was very drunk with love, jello shots, and pabst. All he could repeat to me was, "thank you for coming and try and be a little less liberal miss San Francisco." I laughed and smiled despite that being the only thing he remembered. I guess all I am saying is I wish we had spent more time together though I don't think it would've been possible. I love him none the less and all the more. I suppose it doesn't matter how long you are not directly in someones life as long as you have a connection. Second on the chopping block... What do you do when you've made a secret mistake? A mistake no one will ever know about unless you tell them. Do you fess up or keep it hidden? If you keep it hidden then you save everyone a lot of pain and disgruntlement instead of pouring alcohol on the sore. But at the same time you are kind of lying by not telling them. I've been battling this idea for about a week or so now and I don't know what to do...fucking ruin everything that is and could be or keep my trap shut and pretend it didn't happen? My head says"Molly shut the fuck up," and my heart says "tell the truth." I wish I had a time machine to go back and erase this shit. And see I've made this mistake before, I am committing insanity here and I still haven't learned. Now as a detour I was looking at this guy Grady Brannan's Tumblr ( which is amazing by the way) and there was a little pearl of wisdom that made a bell go off somewhere in my head. It said something like, " the biggest mistake you can make is being afraid of making mistakes." I have been afraid all along because I don't trust myself. I don't trust myself to make the right decision. Thing is why does there have to be a right or wrong decisions, maybe there isn't, maybe it is all just choices. Fuck. Choices...Do I choose to make everyday from now on different and never let that happen again... Do I choose to deal with my consequences... Do I choose to let myself have my cake and eat it too? There is no right or wrong just choices and consequences. I guess you decide which consequence you would rather live with and then from there you choose your decision. :/

love and other things we dream about

I had this rule for myself which would help me maintain my sanity and my self confidence. I have recently decided to just say,

fuck it

and go back to doing what I do best. I told myself no sex with anyone unless I am in a relationship with them. It has been a while and I am tired of waiting for Mr. Right or Mr. Better than the last douche I dated. I've hit a road block and instead of struggling through this quicksand I am going to be me again. Everyone in high school knew I liked sex and that I was having sex which was consequently a big deal because I was so young( not 14 yrs old or anything creepy like that). I think people somehow then labeled me as this or that because judging from the way they treated me I could see I was different. I was .."that girl." And I have been constantly trying to rid myself of this slutty stereotype but truth is I love sex, even bad sex. I may even be a nymphomaniac. My point is that recently I decided to give in and it is as if the flies are once again drawn to my light. People seem to want me more, not for me but for my vag. I know it sounds wrong, like I am whoring myself out but this isn't a one way street because I get something out of it too. I dream of love and someone who will call me and talk to me for not my vag and sexual appeal but for the me they love. And I have found some but it never seems to work. Maybe I am just an idiot with this thing called love, relationships, everything. I get that guys my age only want sex (most of them but not all) and that a relationship is too much. But I find it funny how everyone is more keen to taste your honey when they don't have to commit to the queen bee. I want commitment but I am sacrificing it for my wants. My wants seem to be more powerful and I've kept them at bay for long enough. I don't think I am a slut, I am just someone who loves sex. I am not going to go sleep with the whole town but I am certainly not going to hold back from the person I am. I won't get attached to you because what exists between us is just another thrusting body, genitals and many kisses. You don't want me any other way so take me as I am and always have been.

Perspective...using it...viewing it... doing it.

Life sucks, but ultimately you can turn it on its head and instantly make it better with PERSPECTIVE. Perspective is this magical cure-all idea that includes widening your mind and looking past what you see face value. For example, you just lost your leg in a car crash and initially you're devastated by the loss of such an important body part but with the miraculous use of perspective you are able to be thankful that you're solely alive and well. Perspective can be applied to all areas of life, not just life and death situations. I applied for Chapman two days ago, it is my top choice among universities and I am biting at the bit about the possibility of not being accepted. I am afraid I will have to tell everyone that I failed. But that's not the way to look at it because it just makes everything so sad and depressing. If I don't get into Chapman I want to tell myself that it's okay and that I am going to apply in Fall with a bigger and better application that includes a 2 minute zombie musical to explain my life. But hopefully they accept me because who wants to see half dead people dancing and trying to sing? Actually, I do :) It's okay to be sad because life is painful but at some point you have to use perspective to move on. In the end if it is not okay then it is not the end. We hold on to our hate, angst, sadness, pain and troubles because we need something to blame, something to point the finger at, something to take our mind off the real problem whatever it may be. So next time that things get bad I suggest using perspective to make things right. I am trying to move forward despite everything in my head that wants to hold me back. Life is about continuing the fight, once you give up you begin to fail. Keep fighting.

orgasmic tears

I did something that was supposed to produce heightened blood flow, a feeling of ecstasy, and monstrous sounds. All I ended up with was a Molly in tears. Never has this happened before. As I reached a peak of exhilaration I broke down into silent tears conjured by loneliness. It hit me, when laying there in the tub with water drawing droplets on my skin, that I may be like this forever. Alone with my hand in a bathtub. I know it is a bit dramatic to come to such a conclusion at my age but I can not envision me getting out of this rut. I know they say if you think negatively then you'll get a negative outcome, but even when I think positively I still get something I am unsatisfied with. I truly felt so alone in that moment. Usually I can only cry from one eye if I am sort of sad but tonight both eyes filled like basins with tears. I just feel like I am never enough. I can look back on my last two guy endeavors and say, "something about you[Molly] was not enough." I am the glass half empty, not full. Men can't seem to commit to me without my vagina in their face. Maybe I should become a stripper, then I could have old men, young men, creeps, frat boys, maybe even a few girls drool over my naked body sliding against the pole in the limelight. I just want to be wanted. I want anyone, girl or guy, to say they want me, even if they're lying because then at least I won't have to feel the sting of the truth. I want someone to want me as much as I want them because I am tired of feeling like I am the only one that feels a crushing, deep, caring pain anymore. It's sad because you can't convince anyone to love you. And sometimes you end up pushing everyone else away because that one who rejected you. There seems to be no break in this heartwrenching cycle except the possibility, the hope that someone will love you the way you love them, the way you love yourself. Rupaul says something of the sort... "If you don't love yourself how the hell is anyone else going to." I love myself but I also hate myself at times because I keeping holding on to this image of the past Molly instead of embracing the new Molly. I constantly can't seem to forget or forgive my past mistakes and it is only bringing me down. We hold on because familiarity is blinding to the truth. Truths are hard to take. Maybe I hold on to this slutty, destructive, horrid Molly because I am afraid of growing up and doing what is right ( doing what is right never seems to be easy and I like easy ). What is your truth that you're ignoring?

Timing is everything

I concoct these fantasies of how I want things to turn out and in turn they blind me from the reality of the situation. I get lost in my own hopes of perfection. Life is never perfect or how you expect it to be. Lately I have been pushing diligently in a certain situation to make it work, to help it survive through all this wackiness called Molly. I am becoming a great pretender. I am making up excuses for what is happening, when really I should be relishing in this glorious gooey thing called a crush. The worst part of it all is I don't know how to say all this out loud. I can certainly write it down on paper, type it up on a bright screen and of course think it over in my head. But, I can't admit to myself, aloud, that this is not going to work out. I think a part of me fears losing this connection even if it is a faulty one. Also, a part of me still has hope that there is a future for us as something more than we are now. A friend told me to focus on school and then love will come later. I know he's right but I just can't admit it to myself and accept it. Honestly I'd love to just exploit this whole thing between me and him with my words. Tell it like it is even if it's not how it is. Why do I feel like I am always right in these situations? Correction, I am not right nor wrong, we are both right. We are just not right for each other. I just wish I could make him right because there is something about him that I can't explain that draws me to him uncontrollably, like I'm under a spell. Sounds lame, I know. He is similar to the only person I have ever loved and yet completely different. Something about him keeps me holding on and yet all I need to do right now is let go. It is funny because I think at different time things might be perfect.