My parents say that I seem happier, like my "old" self though I don't ever remember the "old" me being happy. Am I happy now? I'd say I am content, not elated but certainly happy with things currently and even more excited for what's to come. It's a good feeling to have a goal or an aspiration ahead of you, cheering you on. Something that I have realized is that lots of things if not all things are possible for me. I have really taken to heart this little pearl of wisdom that my surf instructor told me in Maui, "Don't wish for something that is possible." When he said that it was like time stopped, the film in the tape got all bunched up and stopped playing its tune and then it all started to rewind in order show me those times when I hoped, prayed, wished for something so obtainable. I was in a daze for a millasecond and then I held onto the board and tried to stay afloat as we walked into the crashing waves. The waves were battering up my legs with rocks and shells but I made it out into the ocean. After somehow conquering surfing, which for me is an accomplishment since the ocean throughly scares me I realized that you must face what's ahead and keep telling yourself that all is possible. The moment that you stop believing in all the possibilities whether they be fanciful or silly, you lose yourself in your own mass destruction. At the ending months of 2010 a few weeks before finals I found out I was in a situation where I was going to fail biology and statistics. I can give you reasons or excuses ( what's the difference between the two? ) of why I was in the process of failing but to discuss those is to fill space in this blog, I'd rather tell you how I passed biology ( still waiting on statistics ). Yes my grades were in the shitter, yes I was hopelessly depressed and in woe of becoming a part of the academic probation group but maybe that's what it takes to wake you up. Maybe you have to go so low to the ground in order to bounce off the bottom in order to spring back up, but of course some fall and never get back up. In elementary school we had awards and I think twice I got a coyote with character flag declaring that I had perseverance, something to be cherished and rewarded for. I got up and kept going. Yes I moped for a while but I also pushed myself. I am not trying to sound like I am a perfect student now after passing biology with a C-. I am trying to say that sometimes you will fall and sometimes you will rise but the will to keep on going is infinite when you realize that all is possible. Maybe that's why my parents say I am like my "old" self, someone similar to the little girl with long skinny arms and long skinny legs wearing a flower print shirt with bicycle stretchy pants, somewhat looking similar to a sqwacking baby bird. My parents used to call me their little bird. My "old" innocent, fearless self that saw the world full of light. I love the story of peter pan, the idea of staying a child forever. I would only want to be a child forever because of their immense innocence and imagination and the fact that the horrid stories on the news don't matter much to them. But peter needed to grow up and learn to be an adult but in the process he lost everything golden that a child possesses. Why can't we take a little from both sides of the spectrum? Maybe that is what is happening now, I am maturing into my adult shoes while also holding onto the dreams of unicorns and fairies. That gave me a funny image of Lucille Ball. In lots of situations I think you have to choose, you can't have your cake and eat it too, but I think in this particular situation you can have both. After writing all this I think I would feel the same way even if I did fail biology like I had suspected I would because no matter what my final grades were, I learned from my mistake and tried my best in the end. And now having conquered a bit of the ocean, having gotten back on a horse after falling and after the stuff I have been through... I am still here, smiling at progress. Thriving is thriving. Doesn't matter if you got your M.D. and I got my GED, it's still progress. I hope I never stop trying to better myself. No, I don't hope or wish for this, I will do it.
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
-The Beatles
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