sex, love and other things undead

What I have learned...
I have been home since December 26th, I haven't done much but I feel like I've learned a little. To love is easy and not easy. I have always been a people pleaser, wanting people to like me and love me. I always thought love came in the form of sex. I used sex to feel loved, to gain love, to gain relationships and now more than ever I see what it has done to me. By using sex to gain all these things I have lost something more valuable than dignity. Every time I have had sex with someone that I don't really give a shit about I have lost the hope that some day someone will love me for who I am, not what I am. So many times I have been left with my hands empty, palms out grasping at air whispering nobody will love me if I can not love and value myself. Truly I think that if you have casual sex that you're not doing it for fun but that you're looking for something that you're missing in your life. I've had sex with a ample amount of people (or so I think so) and I have gained nothing that can replace what I yearn for. Sex doesn't equal love and I guess vice a versa, love doesn't equal sex. Sex is supposed to be something special, something you share with only a few, "special" people. Sex has never felt special for me really... maybe once? Sex is not supposed to be some currency that is used to get you things whether it be a new job promotion or somebody's undying love. I'll admit it's hard for me not to give in and say that I don't want it because sex is great and wonderful. I love sex. Does it at times make me feel like a worthless piece of shit? Yes. Is it worth it to feel like a worthless piece of shit? No. Sure, maybe you don't have a problem with fucking every guy in the world, but I do. I am tired of nothing feeling special to me. I am tired of me waking up and thinking to myself that I have fucked up my self esteem again by whoring myself out. This weekend I met a guy through a setup from friends and things were shaky at the beginning but then they got better. I spent every night hanging out with him till he left and it was so nice to be in his company. I just would sit and listen to him talk about all the bull shit he has been through and I would contemplate how it was similar to my own life. He would talk of horrid things and I just thought to myself, "how are you still smiling and happy?" He built himself back up from the ground up (tongue twister right there). Anywho, he took me to dinner and paid... typically I don't let guys pay which is funny because I ask myself why and I say ," if they pay then it means that I owe them and that they own me." Yah... pretty fucked up with my thinking. Anywho, I let him pay... I of course offered but he wouldn't let me. I always thought chivalry was dead and sometimes I still think that but now I have to question myself and say, "is it me who is closing the door on chivalry?" People who pay for me and compliment me make me feel uncomfortable. I'm weird, I know. He treated me like I have never been treated before... I was enamored with him. His ex is an idiot for letting him get away. He taught me that it feels good to let someone care about you, even if it's only for one night. To add to this revelation, I hung out with one of my ex boyfriends, we were flirting like old times and I consider him to be the only person I have ever "loved" ( I put it in quotation marks because I don't know if it was love, though I think it was), and for once I didn't have feelings for him. He certainly never treated me wrongly and he did put up with a lot of my bull shit but after being with someone who showed me love I just didn't even want to look back. I know this might sound silly and maybe even stupid but I feel like this one guy helped me see things a bit differently. I still use sex to gain love but I don't want to and will not anymore. I know what I am missing; self esteem. If I resist people who just want me for sex because that's all I project to them, it will make me feel better about myself and other things. I know you're saying well if you project sex then what do you expect? "I should expect nothing less," is what I would say. It's a process of retraining the mind. I have to now constantly tell myself that sex isn't the answer. Just as I have realized that a lot of things aren't the answer. This is life though, you live and you learn. I am happy to live and I am happy to learn.