A blogger short.

Her lids shut tight
the binding crusts over with dried blood and pus
she wiggles her eyes in attempt to break them out
stuck together, she is left blind and yet it was only a second ago that she remembers seeing the sun
glowing globe-like orb that blazed with streaks of yellow, red and orange
a combination of hope
feeling the pulse of it's power beating through her skin
all she wanted was to open her eyes wide shut
break the stitches
the silence
see again
for so long she has been watching visions from her cornea play against the integument
dark shadows coming from nowhere
lurking behind lies, she tried to scream
she drew up her hands to her eyes and dug into every bound silent sound
pulling apart the mutiny that was keeping her in the dark
blood dripped from her pupils rolling down her check to the slight smirk of her mouth
the copper taste reminded her of the bitter end that was ahead
and despite her disturbing bloody face
the stitches hung limp
finally she could see her light again.

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this page has been open and blank for about 15 minutes

I know I have a lot of things on my mind, lots of things to say but yet all I can write is the rambling bull shit.

I guess I am at the point that most people come to, a cross roads with no signs. Lack of signs doesn't mean lack of directions it just means that you have no idea what direction leads where. It's having no map with people telling you to follow your heart then, no, follow your head.

But it's not about direction it's about decisions.

What am I going to do?
What an unbearable question
How I wish I could curl into a ball and sleep for a long while, wake up renewed with no worries and tons of answers.

I don't really think I even have that big of problems that would contain answers maybe I just need to make some life changes.

Is it really easy to make life changes through a to do list, a 1., 2., 3. list. Maybe.

I am going to make one change for sure. cut my hair. I think it will help with many things.

stay tuned for changes, maybe even happiness

The big C

Change. The big "C" known as change. Our lives can be somewhat habitual, tedious, never ending, and always the same but, they say the only constant is change. I do believe that everyday I wake up in some way changed and renewed but now I want to talk about the big changes, the life decision changes. The change to be better and do better. Recently I changed two parts of my life, I let people in, one is someone from the past and one is someone from the future. I get so stuck on the past and about history repeating itself that I don't give "change" a chance. After high school I had ended my friendship with Elly S. after having a sort of fall out. I felt like she never had time for our friendship, that she would make empty promises and that I could never be friends with someone who wasn't there. The thing is Elly was there for me at my darkest time and for a while, up until now, I had shut her out and forgotten about everything we once shared. I don't know what changed in my perception or if I decided to forgive, forget, and move on but, we are now talking again and in ways I think we are starting to enrich each other's lives again even if it is through texting ( she's 800 miles away or whatever the mileage is from here to SoCal ). Change can be looked at as good and bad, but I have decided that all change is good or has the prospect of being good. Why? Besides the fact that you can turn any bad situation into a positive one, change, allows us to grow. How many times a day do we hold back, do the things we hate, have a regret, or wish we could sleep till things got better? Change is this uncontrolled force that makes us experience life as it should be. We resist change but change finds us. Maybe all this is obvious but recently I have been wanting change...real change. I have received it and allowed it to have its way with me. For as long as I can remember I have felt like the guys I have been with have all been focused on having sex with me and never really taking the chance to know me, all of me, the bad parts of me and the good. I felt like people didn't care if my favorite color was maroon. I clearly had some prime examples of guys only using me for sex. I allowed them to because I had a low self esteem and thought that was the only way anyone could like me. When you realize your short comings in life, such as the idea that guys only want you for sex, you start to throw everyone else out. I mean that whether a guy is a good guy or a bad guy, you shut him out assuming that he is like all the rest... another pig in the bunch. This of course is ignorance but also unwillingness to accept change. I have recently accepted the change that someone truly likes me and is interested in me for who I am. It was hard, at first I tried to shut him out, make up excuses, but now I have realized that he is the change in my life. A change that will hopefully lead to more change.

In my previous blog I had talked about balance, and someone, anonymous, posted this comment "I think the key to being balanced isn't fulfilling all your needs and wants, it's more about being ok with having needs and wants as you try to fill them. Recognizing that you'll never fill them all is one of the biggest steps you can make towards finding that "balance." Thank you to whomever this is... But it's so true that I have been trying to fulfill every thing, every last freaking thing that I have ever wanted and or dreamed about. My parents used to tease me when I was a child about nagging them about how," I wanted this, and that, and that, and this." Never satisfied. I think not being satisfied is a factor to my binge with alcohol, men, and money. But here I am exploring my thoughts on my lack of balance and never being satisfied and I think I have found an answer. Of course I want a new iphone, new clothes, a better job, less drinking, a good grade in biology and statistics but I can't have it all, I need to pick what is most important to me and then pursue it. So, I decided there are some things I need to concentrate on, some things I want to accomplish and then I can leave out all the rest. This would be another change in my life, being satisfied with the moderate things in my life and indulging in only the richest things of growth, love, and happiness. Balance will come from being happy with the things I cannot change and changing the things I can. I will post another blogs when I have decided on the important things and what I want to change. For now, change is inevitable, change is good, change is life and growth.

Finally have the time of day

I have been immensely busy recently whatnot with work, work, homework, school, and more fucking work. Levis has abused me and I am throughly glad that Nov. 6th is my last day because I will finally start to have a life again, a life that doesn't include being bitched at and folding jeans. I have been yearning to write lately, thoughts have literally been swimming in my head like a school of fish, so many of them. So now that I have a little bit of time I will put them all out here... it will probably be similar to my other posts, an overall encompassing blog.

Last night I watched The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus for the second time and I also watched 2 interviews with Terry Gilliam after the ending of the movie. Gilliam basically spews out a bunch of ideas/themes into one masterpiece. His interviews really made me contemplate how my life is going and what the fuck I am going to do with my life. The big question of, "What do you want to do with your life?" Jesus, that brings up so many difficulties. Am I really doing everything I want to do? No, because everything I want to do is not possible thought it is surely not impossible. Everyday I say to myself, "I want to do that." Maybe it's my attitude of believing it not being possible at the moment but you can't do everything right? I don't know if I really have a concise answer to that yet. But to go back to Gilliam, he talks about imagination a lot. For a while I have thought my imagination and most people's to be dead. I remember I used to set up my plastic animals in my parents "big" showers for an hour then I would play for an hour or until the water ran cold. I could imagine the animals having emotions and scenarios. It was wonderful, I was so happy pretending whether it was with my Breyer horses, Barbies, or plastic animals. Some associate imagination with youth/ being a child. When you grow up, you lose it, you mature (sort of peter pan-ish). I have always adored the story of Peter Pan and in a sense I don't want to grow up, I don't want to lose my creativity, my imagination, the life that breathes air into my soul. What if I could create for the rest of my life. I guess this is the time when the question comes in, " Are you really doing what you want to do in life?" " Do you really want to go to medical school and be a doctor?" This question suprisingly does not stress me out it only stirs deep thoughts. I decided at some point that I want to do great things with my life and my abilities. I have this ability to sympathize, connect, and have complete compassion for others. I love the human body, it truly amazes me. Everything to do with the science field truly sparks the lightbulb or many lightbulbs in my brain. So here I am, a biology major with a concentration in cell and molecular biology with hopes of going to medical school yet yearning to do other things. Other things being animation, art, cinema, singing, horse back riding, EVERYTHING. I can give you reasons as to why these aren't possible right now but it's too lengthy of an explanation. I just don't want to look back and say "God, I wish I could've done that." Already I have tried a lot of things from volleyball to singing lessons. Being in San Francisco really makes me want to utilize all that is here and no where else. I have a friend who truly seems like he has it all, all that he has ever wanted/wished for. He's got opportunities up to timbuck two. How does it do it? How does he balance it all? That's something I wish I had; balance. He makes it seem absolutely effortless. I am jealous. What's the key to balance? I am thinking that if I pursue my dreams that somehow my imagination will come back. My life will become magical. I guess I feel that things are missing in my life, I am still satisfied with life but there are things that could make it amazing like my friends life. In general I throughly enjoy making lists whether it's a list of what to do tonight or things I want to accomplish. Though, this subject/problem I feel cannot be solved by a list. For once I want to feel fulfilled with no wants or yearnings just opportunities to enrich my life. We waste so much time, such as in this blog, complaining of what we fall short of. It' good for me to write it all out and be introspective. I need to just do these things, make a plan or a list, or what for destiny. I don't know but I am tired of losing the things that are within my grasp, things that have diminished over time, I want my imagination back.