confuzzled

I have been trying to pinpoint how I have been feeling in the past 48 hours. I am still unsure but I have come up with the analogy of my life being like a glass half empty and half full. Either way you are looking at it, you are still missing a half. I realize the fullness of my life but I also feel like I am missing something. I am unsure of what I am missing but I feel like it is something.
I thought at first maybe it was that I wasn't busy enough, didn't have enough to do but I figured out very clearly this weekend that that is not the case at all. And then I thought maybe I need to have some recreational past time to indulge myself in, such as yoga or something. This theory might be true. And then I thought about having a significant other. I have been out of a serious relationship for about a year now and I have been enjoying being single. Lately it seems I have been juggling a bunch of potentials. They all seem potentially good, they all have discrepancies, they all are...hmmm. I feel like all my blogs are about guys, that's pathetic. Oh well, it is what it is. I feel overwhelmed by the opportunities and I guess also a little scared. The saying, "trash is, as trash does," rings a bell. Basically the fear that things will go bad frightens me to the point of overwhelming to the next point where I just stop caring (we can't let that happen). How does a peacock get rid of its feathers and become a song bird? That's basically what I need to do. Of course we could just pluck the peacock dry and give him a trumpet to play but maybe it would be harder to change the ways of a human. Vague, vague , vague, I know. Just give me change and I'll be happy. Only I can change this, though sometimes it would be nice to blame it on somebody else.
Give me change or give me death. ( a bit drastic but true in the end )
Everybody says when you stop looking then you will find love. I am not looking I am contemplating trying to figure out what I should and shouldn't do. All I want is someone and happiness. No drama. No dependency. But, when you're 18 how do you find anyone worth your lovable time? I mean if you don't want just a hookup then who's left? Sure there's some out there and maybe I've struck gold, maybe not. I guess I just needed to write some of this down and get it out of my head even if it is pathetic and stupid.
everyone needs somebody.
And here I am thinking of who I need and want and seriously... I don't even need to be making a decision yet because there's nothing to make a decision about.
LIVE IN THE PRESENT.
Take a deep breath and say it will all work out for the best.
Take things slow and don't drink too much.
Be okay with leaving some broken hearts.

Funny lessons wrapped in rotting meat with flies

Even the harshest lessons have a silver lining. Even the unbearable situations can become bearable once you have realized how they have helped you see a glimmer of light. Light signifying growth and hope. They say people come into our lives during certain moments for certain reasons, sometimes never known. I, most of the time get wrapped up in guys. Whatever guy it is, I obsess over what this and that means. I do it I think partially because I base a lot of my friendship with men on sex, and sex makes everything more messier to understand. I get so torn over the simplest situations that mean nothing. I bet every guy reading is thinking I am crazy and that they will never talk to me again because I am too complicated (And really that's fine). But back to the point I was trying to make. I got myself in a situation where nothing made sense to me, 1+2 did not equal 3 it equaled 256.89394 or some shit like that. It would seem that I should be a mathematician or following some profession with definite answers instead of Biology which seems to be a big mystery in many aspects. I just don't like ambiguity in my relationships and or friendships. Biology is still in the cards for me! So in this situation I seriously blew it up with a grenade then tried to put the pieces back together, I have learned something not only from the first situation but from another situation as well. Sorry if this is hard to follow. Basically I realized what I deserved and what I didn't. Sometimes you stereotype someone as being cool, nerdy, a jock, preppy, yada yada yada which sometimes leads to you putting them on a pedestal or the lowest part of the totem pole. To which ever degree you put them upon, conditions come with the way you view them. I viewed someone a certain way, so much to the point I was blinded from the stupidity and frankness of the whole situation. It was as if I was a blind person running into doors because I didn't have my seeing eye dog yet someone or something kept barking in the background to make it seem like there was the helpful dog. Too many bruises later and I realized. I realized after the failed friendships/relationships, whether it was because of me or them, that I deserve better and in some cases that they deserve better. I can't say I was Susie Sunshine throughout the situation because trust me, I wasn't, I was more like the girl in the Exorcist with pea soup projectile vomit and a spinning demonic head. That's okay, everyone has their crazy moments. Anywho, I was able to learn that I deserve better from one person, one person only, even though through multiple therapy sessions I was told exactly what he showed me. I wish I could put a single word to what my friend made me feel, I guess the word would be, WANTED. Making an effort is everything. I spent basically lets say 2ish maybe less semesters hoping and waiting for this person to the first person to make an effort, to show me that they meant what they said. Is it too much to ask for a little dedication or even the tiniest ounce of willingness or trying. I mean maybe I am wrong about this all. My friend from the second situation showed me that he doesn't need anything from me, no sex, no nothing, and he still comes to see me for only 3 minutes. Of course I wanted to see him longer because he is a good friend of mine but for various reasons we couldn't. But that is 3 minutes more and a million minutes more spent talking on the phone (doesn't live in sf) than the boy who lives next store ever did. I do not want anyone to take this the wrong way, I have no hate for this guy he just didn't do what I thought he should be doing so I came to the conclusion that he is not enough, I deserve more. Maybe I am greedy. Maybe I am wrong. But in this certain scenario I wasted my own sweet time on something that couldn't even ask me what my favorite color was. For your information my favorite color is maroon. I mean it may seem greedy, as if I expect too much but before I was seriously expecting nothing and that was wrong on my part.

"I am worth it." It took me a long time to understand and believe those words but someone has truly shown me the truth to these words. More than ever I believe this. And guess what, we are purely friends. I take joy in finding these happy, funny lessons covered in horrible rotting meat with circling, vulture like flies.

Loveless

I just watched the movie The Ugly Truth. Not worth watching, trust me.

Why is being loved by friends and family not enough sometimes? Why do we search for someone to kiss us goodnight, somebody to say 'you have the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen,' someone to wash our hair when we are too drunk to know what's going on, someone to passionately make whoopee with, someone to love? The song lyrics Somebody To Love by the band Queen...

Each morning I get up I die a little
Can barely stand on my feet
Take a look in the mirror and cry
Lord what you're doing to me
I have spent all my years in believing you
But I just can't get no relief, Lord!
Somebody, somebody
Can anybody find me somebody to love?

So according to the lyrics and most people's views, we need to find somebody to love. My girl friends talk of getting married at 22 years old and having kids at 25. I just don't understand this need. Of course everybody needs love in their life even if it is love from a pet. I am graced with tons and tons of love. So, why do I feel the need to get more love, to find somebody to love. Am I not satisfied with the love I keep? Is it because I don't love myself enough? Maybe this isn't a daunting question to anyone but me because most accept loving a significant other as a part of life. A part of the cycle. Some have the argument of not wanting to be alone in the end. But I suppose that is another story/blog in itself. I just would love to know the answer to why we are sometimes obsessed with love. Love isn't all hearts and rainbows. Love can be destruction, madness, pain. Why put ourselves through the heartbreak? Do we do it so we can experience the moments of bliss. I keep telling myself I don't need someone, not ever, not now. I know it can be beautiful to have someone but also painful. What is love anyways? Is it fighting over a photo taken with a guy friend from 2 years ago? Is love sitting in silence with someone and watching the grass grow. Sometimes I think I have never experienced the moments one shares when they are really in love. I mean truly, really in love. I have experienced moments that I will never forget, I have cared unconditionally for someone, I have thought someone was the guy I wanted to be with forever. What constitutes love? Right now I feel loveless.

Kismet

Kismet, in the online Merriam-Webster dictionary is simply put as, FATE. What is fate? I think it probably has many different meanings for many different people, especially people who are religious. Since I am not I suppose I will make my own definition of the word kismet.

You ask yourself so many questions when you don't understand things. "Why didn't I get the job?" "Why do I hate jello?" "Why didn't that asshole get off his phone and let me walk the crosswalk?" "Why doesn't he like me?" "Why did this have to happen to me?" I think that last one is maybe the most infamous amongst most people. Sometimes we are faced with burdens and other times, good graces. When do we label the hardships, fate? When does getting the best job in the world become fate? We naturally like to blame others, saying,"That girl pushed me aside as we were walking down 19th and that's why I missed the muni and that's why I was late to work." When is it our fault or fate? When do you let go and let God? Alright so maybe I shouldn't speak of what I do not believe, sorry if it was offensive. But my point is when do you let kismet have its way with you? When do you let go of the control you can never possess. I am not talking religion here. I am saying in a non-theistic way when do you say, "what will be, will be." So many times have I struggled to control people, control how they think of me, control what they do, what the say and yada yada yada. When do I let my tense shoulders down and say okay if that's the way it is then that's the way it is. My cross country coach in H.S. used to yell over the crowd at the races, "Molly put your shoulders down, RELAX!" Never have I truly known relaxation. But I suppose that's kind of who I am, a worry wart. But lately some events have happened, some things that I didn't see coming and some that I did. The one event I tried so hard to control ended, as usual, in smoke. The one I sort of encouraged yet still let it happen on it's own, it sort of blossomed from the bud it was cowering in. In my life I have searched for acceptance. All the time I have hoped for many things to make me more appealing to anybody and everybody. I don't think I was an attention whore or anything, I think I just wanted to be liked. And though I still possess that urge to fit in, it's not as significant because I have let go and let myself be (in a sense). When you stop trying I think things happen more freely, maybe more good then bad. I mean somehow we are here on earth equipped with free will, the ability to do anything. Murder someone or raise 500 million dollars for cancer treatment. All of it comes down to you and fate. There is only so much you can control and though I consider myself very persistent to the point of obsession (which is completely and totally unhealthy). I have learned through 2 situations that when I do what I think is right and then let it go, let fate or the polar universe deal with it, something happens, it works out for the best. When I talk about lessening your control I am not saying give up all control, sit on your ass watching TV and expect to win a free car from Jeopardy. I am saying there comes a point where you can't do anything, where you wish you had all the controls of the universe but alas, you don't. Where you say , "if only." I only know this because I am an avid controller. Puppet strings n' all. But I have tried so hard for so long to make people feel a certain way about me, to change their minds, but, it has only caused things to fully get messy and out of hand. I wish I always knew that certain point of when to let go but I suppose it's all about experience. I mean you're skydiving and you know you need to pull out the parachute but you aren't sure exactly when so, you free ball it and pull it out later than sooner...uh-oh. But, still you released it and the wind caught underneath the round colorful dome of the parachute, carrying you down through the sky, giving you an amazing view.

Bottom line : You can't control everything (Keep reminding yourself that and I will too)

So here goes, I have tried enough to construct something beautiful and this god awful structure of clay is just not able to be made into a pot. So I say fine, if not a pot then you are a ceramic version of Michael Jackson's face (Maybe I shouldn't talk ill of the dead :/ oh well )

Grandpa, for your birthday

I will always remember you holding me at the fair
a ring of strung flowers adorned my hair
the petals fell on my lashes
you swept them away so that I could see life
and taste the sweetness in the air
feel the sun shine pieces of light
hear the laughter that pierced any hate
touch my heart strings and let them sing
you showed me the meaning of everything
love
forgive
continue
laugh
eat a lot
persevere
courage
pride
happiness

you dream of princesses and princes
dragons being slayed in your honor
unicorns filling the sky as they dance upon the clouds
feasts fit for the king in his castle
a wonderland of forest creatures
streams flowing with silver blue water
and you look around and there is nothing of this
no fairytale land where dreams come true
no merlin to grant you wishes
or arcamedies to look after you
left with pebbles and stones
worms slizerring through the dirt
a sheath covers none of you
exposed to the grave things that await
no princes
youre not a princess
no glass slippers on your feet
you are an ordinary girl
lost in the end of the book of a magical world