love and other things we dream about

I had this rule for myself which would help me maintain my sanity and my self confidence. I have recently decided to just say,

fuck it

and go back to doing what I do best. I told myself no sex with anyone unless I am in a relationship with them. It has been a while and I am tired of waiting for Mr. Right or Mr. Better than the last douche I dated. I've hit a road block and instead of struggling through this quicksand I am going to be me again. Everyone in high school knew I liked sex and that I was having sex which was consequently a big deal because I was so young( not 14 yrs old or anything creepy like that). I think people somehow then labeled me as this or that because judging from the way they treated me I could see I was different. I was .."that girl." And I have been constantly trying to rid myself of this slutty stereotype but truth is I love sex, even bad sex. I may even be a nymphomaniac. My point is that recently I decided to give in and it is as if the flies are once again drawn to my light. People seem to want me more, not for me but for my vag. I know it sounds wrong, like I am whoring myself out but this isn't a one way street because I get something out of it too. I dream of love and someone who will call me and talk to me for not my vag and sexual appeal but for the me they love. And I have found some but it never seems to work. Maybe I am just an idiot with this thing called love, relationships, everything. I get that guys my age only want sex (most of them but not all) and that a relationship is too much. But I find it funny how everyone is more keen to taste your honey when they don't have to commit to the queen bee. I want commitment but I am sacrificing it for my wants. My wants seem to be more powerful and I've kept them at bay for long enough. I don't think I am a slut, I am just someone who loves sex. I am not going to go sleep with the whole town but I am certainly not going to hold back from the person I am. I won't get attached to you because what exists between us is just another thrusting body, genitals and many kisses. You don't want me any other way so take me as I am and always have been.

Perspective...using it...viewing it... doing it.

Life sucks, but ultimately you can turn it on its head and instantly make it better with PERSPECTIVE. Perspective is this magical cure-all idea that includes widening your mind and looking past what you see face value. For example, you just lost your leg in a car crash and initially you're devastated by the loss of such an important body part but with the miraculous use of perspective you are able to be thankful that you're solely alive and well. Perspective can be applied to all areas of life, not just life and death situations. I applied for Chapman two days ago, it is my top choice among universities and I am biting at the bit about the possibility of not being accepted. I am afraid I will have to tell everyone that I failed. But that's not the way to look at it because it just makes everything so sad and depressing. If I don't get into Chapman I want to tell myself that it's okay and that I am going to apply in Fall with a bigger and better application that includes a 2 minute zombie musical to explain my life. But hopefully they accept me because who wants to see half dead people dancing and trying to sing? Actually, I do :) It's okay to be sad because life is painful but at some point you have to use perspective to move on. In the end if it is not okay then it is not the end. We hold on to our hate, angst, sadness, pain and troubles because we need something to blame, something to point the finger at, something to take our mind off the real problem whatever it may be. So next time that things get bad I suggest using perspective to make things right. I am trying to move forward despite everything in my head that wants to hold me back. Life is about continuing the fight, once you give up you begin to fail. Keep fighting.

orgasmic tears

I did something that was supposed to produce heightened blood flow, a feeling of ecstasy, and monstrous sounds. All I ended up with was a Molly in tears. Never has this happened before. As I reached a peak of exhilaration I broke down into silent tears conjured by loneliness. It hit me, when laying there in the tub with water drawing droplets on my skin, that I may be like this forever. Alone with my hand in a bathtub. I know it is a bit dramatic to come to such a conclusion at my age but I can not envision me getting out of this rut. I know they say if you think negatively then you'll get a negative outcome, but even when I think positively I still get something I am unsatisfied with. I truly felt so alone in that moment. Usually I can only cry from one eye if I am sort of sad but tonight both eyes filled like basins with tears. I just feel like I am never enough. I can look back on my last two guy endeavors and say, "something about you[Molly] was not enough." I am the glass half empty, not full. Men can't seem to commit to me without my vagina in their face. Maybe I should become a stripper, then I could have old men, young men, creeps, frat boys, maybe even a few girls drool over my naked body sliding against the pole in the limelight. I just want to be wanted. I want anyone, girl or guy, to say they want me, even if they're lying because then at least I won't have to feel the sting of the truth. I want someone to want me as much as I want them because I am tired of feeling like I am the only one that feels a crushing, deep, caring pain anymore. It's sad because you can't convince anyone to love you. And sometimes you end up pushing everyone else away because that one who rejected you. There seems to be no break in this heartwrenching cycle except the possibility, the hope that someone will love you the way you love them, the way you love yourself. Rupaul says something of the sort... "If you don't love yourself how the hell is anyone else going to." I love myself but I also hate myself at times because I keeping holding on to this image of the past Molly instead of embracing the new Molly. I constantly can't seem to forget or forgive my past mistakes and it is only bringing me down. We hold on because familiarity is blinding to the truth. Truths are hard to take. Maybe I hold on to this slutty, destructive, horrid Molly because I am afraid of growing up and doing what is right ( doing what is right never seems to be easy and I like easy ). What is your truth that you're ignoring?

Timing is everything

I concoct these fantasies of how I want things to turn out and in turn they blind me from the reality of the situation. I get lost in my own hopes of perfection. Life is never perfect or how you expect it to be. Lately I have been pushing diligently in a certain situation to make it work, to help it survive through all this wackiness called Molly. I am becoming a great pretender. I am making up excuses for what is happening, when really I should be relishing in this glorious gooey thing called a crush. The worst part of it all is I don't know how to say all this out loud. I can certainly write it down on paper, type it up on a bright screen and of course think it over in my head. But, I can't admit to myself, aloud, that this is not going to work out. I think a part of me fears losing this connection even if it is a faulty one. Also, a part of me still has hope that there is a future for us as something more than we are now. A friend told me to focus on school and then love will come later. I know he's right but I just can't admit it to myself and accept it. Honestly I'd love to just exploit this whole thing between me and him with my words. Tell it like it is even if it's not how it is. Why do I feel like I am always right in these situations? Correction, I am not right nor wrong, we are both right. We are just not right for each other. I just wish I could make him right because there is something about him that I can't explain that draws me to him uncontrollably, like I'm under a spell. Sounds lame, I know. He is similar to the only person I have ever loved and yet completely different. Something about him keeps me holding on and yet all I need to do right now is let go. It is funny because I think at different time things might be perfect.

FRIDAY FRIDAY getting down on FRIDAY

So Friday night filming came together, somehow, on its own. No, I take that back. My filming was successful because of the wonderful people in my life, without them it would've been a weird ass janky underexposed film about my life in 2 minutes. And now, after it is edited, it will be a sweet ass 2 minute film about my life that might be slightly underexposed (due to my fault... go pro not good in low light settings). Like I said before, without everyone showing up and shoveling their supreme acting skills(not sarcasm) from God knows where, I would be nowhere. I would also be nowhere without everyones support too. But it was weird because the day after I was unexpectedly cheery with a grin that drove on for miles. I knew that after looking at my footage that it might not be good enough, that Chapman might not get it or might think my story too extreme. Like I said it is very underexposed and I wish I could've filmed more shots. And like every person who looks at their work, I found so many faults I wish I could've corrected. But, that is the weird thing...none of this really mattered to me because I was so enthralled with what had happened, what I had attempted to create, and what I had learned, that everything else in my life became the horn section to my own parade. I was infatuated in my own creative self. But one of the greatest parts of the experience is everything I learned. In just a couple of hours I learned so much. I think you do learn best from experience as long as you have the basics to work off of. I learned to listen to the people, the extras in this scenario, around me and also to listen to my mind most fondly. When you get on "set" you have to take command because if not everyone thinks they're the director, everyone thinks they have a good idea but ultimately I think it is good to follow your vision and maybe keep an ear out for what others say (only applicable in the amateur director situation). I think it is a smart thing to listen to others because you don't know everything and you might not notice everything but, I also think you need a firm enough grip on your own idea/concept so that you can stay true to yourself and vision (and not let yourself get run over by extras)(<-- trust me I was dealing with 3 huge guys and this almost happened). Don't take my words as pro film maker bullshit because I don't know half of what I am talking about and I am just a PA trying to find her place. These are merely my observations. In the world I am nobody, just a body with some ideas. Overall, thanks to anyone who is reading this because you have probably inspired me in some way. And if you were there on Friday, a many thanks and much love for being the best people I know. -Molly

AHHH FREAK OUT.

This week was a complete catastrophe. I missed most of my classes, which is not okay at all, and I got into a car accident. Oh and nobody has double confirmed if they're going to be here tonight for my video. I swear all I want to do is curl up in bed, pull the covers over my head and dream about being somewhere different. Why can't people just call back and say, "yes" or "no." What is so freaking difficult about that? I hate flakes. I am a flake. Sometimes I hate myself. But I feel like after this week being such a blunder that everything is resting on tonight, this video, my future, my everything. I know, that's probably a little bit too much pressure to put on something like this, especially something that is already showing signs of incompleteness as we speak. I told myself that despite whatever happens I am going to make it work. My friend Chase said some of the best art is made under restrictions. Maybe I need to just get my head out of this quicksand that is sucking me down and start praying for a miracle or maybe creating a miracle. All I know is that after such a shitty week this night will be very telling of how much I have progressed. You always want things to work out just so, and sometimes they do and most of the time they don't and you end up having to find another route to get to your goal.

Reflections with Rusko in the background

My life has changed dramatically over the past 5 months. It has gone from absolute mania to silent whispers. Now my life is only filled with whispers of desires instead of the typical cacophony of debilitating sounds that caused my mind to burst open. In plain english, my life has become normal and repetitive. Mind you this is refreshing and peaceful yet at times very uninteresting. Maybe all this normality is because my life is actually on track. Maybe it is because I finally feel like I can move freely in my own skin. I don't know what it is but all I can say is how odd, disconcerting, and astounding it is to see your own life change as quickly as a revolving door in fancy smancy hotel. One moment you are there and the next you are somewhere, nowhere to be seen. The revolving door can be an optical illusion for some people but for me it is just a sign of hope; Things are much better and will only continue to get better.

By no means am I saying that my life is as perfect as a peach because truly I am just as much ridden with hardships as I ever have been. And as I enjoy Rusko, dubstep extradionare and a reminder of my past troubles with alcohol and drugs, I think about how I have come too far to turn back now.

I watched Jersey Shore, the season where they are based in Italy, and all I could see on the Tv was myself. I saw myself falling down stairs drunk, vying for someone's attention and love despite their disgust, lying about the things I had done and all together just being an immature fool. I am of course not fully cleared of all my hiccups but I have to say that I am definitely past where those 23-30 year old Jersey kids are. Thank God for that.

And now I am here, trying to do things different, trying to follow my dream. I am changing the "maybes," into "I will!" This whole growing up and leaving NeverLand feeling has got me twisted with happiness. Though I still have a long way to go it is nice to have stopped fighting against myself to be something and someone I'm not. Now I am fighting alongside everything this big ball of magma spews at me: the good, the bad, the ugly.

Bring it on.