Sometimes there is nothing you can do but say your sorry, even if the sorry won't fix it back to normal. I don't feel like explaining the erratic conversation that I had with S, but it went bad fast. I don't know if we will stay distant forever but for now it seems wise to stay away. I put all my heart into trying to create something inside the void when this something should've been there to begin with. Maybe I tried to hard. Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I drove him crazy. Or, maybe it was not meant to work out. I honestly don't know how it all went to shit, but none the less it did. And to think I really liked this one.

I was talking to my coworker today and his gf of 3 years is sleeping with his now ex-best friend. Pretty shitty. It is a pure example that getting to know someone and love someone to the core takes a lifetime and even then you might be missing some pieces about them. I think that if this is true then when people decide to marry or start a relationship with a foundation already somewhat built they do it with the intent of trusting one another completely(since there is still so much to learn about them). I think it is hard, actually I know it is hard for me to trust what people say because people (including me) always change their minds. Maybe love grows or declines but never really changes. I believe that despite someone's undying hatred towards another person there is still this fundamental love that never dies once established. So basically I think it went wrong because I didn't trust. I need security. I need reassurance because after everything it is hard to love like you've never been hurt. It is hard to heal those mental scars of you cutting yourself in the bathroom because you were not good enough(long time ago). Drastic, I know. But that is what this world has come to: hate towards thy self. It is the same reason people are anorexic; they don't love themselves enough to believe they're beautiful just the way they are. By the way I don't mean to throw a pity party for myself just because I mentioned my prior cutting. I am trying to make the point that everyone should show love to another whenever, where ever, how ever. I needed to feel wanted and loved, and at one point in that situation with S I didn't. It hurts but it also feels good to let go of that pain. Relinquishing control and accepting what is. I apologized to him because I did my part in making it harder for both of us. He apologized too. I don't like feeling hatred towards someone and that's why I had to say that I was sorry. Besides the fact that I truly was sorry, it made it that easier to accept it all and move on. He's a nice guy and we had some good moments that will be hard to forget, but I sincerely believe everything happens for a reason and this is just another reason that I don't know.

Life is funny. One moment your heart is broken by some stupid guy and then a moment later you're being told by another that you're adorable.


give love freely