I've been feeling lost, like a little girl looking for her mom in the grocery store lost. I've been trying to fill voids, trying to run away from my fears, trying to be stagnant. Who the fuck wants to be stagnant? Bacteria grows more so in stagnant water and welp that is just gross. I don't want bacteria coming out of my ears even though biologically or something it already is. Sorry. I feel like I've been denying myself the necessities of life just because I've been scared and or I didn't want to deal.
Bottom line : I am single and it sucks. When I try and get close to someone it just never works. I destroy it before it can start. I get scared. I need comfort always. And most the time I feel lonely. Plus seeing past "lovers" find someone else is always a bit disheartening.
BUT
it's okay.
Why is it okay?
because at this moment I am tired of loving people and not being loved in return. I am tired of people loving me and not being able to return their love.
My gyno spoke some words of wisdom the other day...
You can always get sex, but you can't always have a relationship.
So simple, so true.
You know all I want is for someone to get to know me, love me for who I am, be my friend and stay around for longer than a few months. Sex not included.
And I think tonight I just realized that it is all codswallop in the end. You heard me, CODSWALLOP.
Bottom line 2: I miss people. I miss you and you and you, oh, and especially you.
BUT
my pride is too big.
Bottom Line 3: I've been lying to myself about everything. Everything is nothing and nothing is everything.
Bottom Line 4: I am scared of a lot of things
BUT
I hope I realize that it is fear that is stopping me from living. I stand in my own way.
So in conclusion, I feel lost, really fucking lost, but I have now realized that I am lost so maybe now I can begin to wander.
Monday, May 28, 2012
Saturday, May 26, 2012
life is suffering
Life is suffering. That is a fundamental truth of Buddhism.
I have taken two religions classes and in general religion is very interesting to me. Rest assured that I will not be talking about religion in this post, but you never know it may be a post in the near future :)
Life is suffering, so when things inevitably increase your suffering do you do them or not do them? The obvious answer is no, do not increase your suffering for goodness sake ! For instance in this economy today jobs are hard to come by, therefore, you want to be the best possible candidate for when they do arise, but if you have any visible tattoos like me then you are usually automatically inhibited. That's just the truth. People judge me because of my tattoos, people will not hire me because of my tattoos and that causes suffering especially when I might be just as qualified as the next average joe who's applying.
Life is full of these situations where you have to choose what is best. Life is based on nothing else but choices. The choices we make make us who we are.
The tattoo on my wrist is for the foundation To Write Love On Her Arms (TWLOHA). I got it when I first turned 18. Besides the fact that I have always been fascinated with tattoos my wrist tattoo was one that I had thought about for a long while. My tattoo, "Love," on my wrist means the world to me. It reminds me everyday of the love I have in my heart, my past, my scars, the love I have for myself and so much more. I chose to inhibit myself, but at least I took the time to think about it and to weigh the pros and cons. All life is suffering, there is no way getting around it. And yes there are moments of happiness, but of course that is not all the time. Disregard everything else that plays into your happiness because I don't have enough time to go over it in this post nor any post.
My point is weigh the pros and cons and if it is worth it to you, allow yourself to suffer a bit more. But, do not take the stance that since life is suffering then you should do whatever you want and say fuck it cause living life impetuously is a life wasted.
I have taken two religions classes and in general religion is very interesting to me. Rest assured that I will not be talking about religion in this post, but you never know it may be a post in the near future :)
Life is suffering, so when things inevitably increase your suffering do you do them or not do them? The obvious answer is no, do not increase your suffering for goodness sake ! For instance in this economy today jobs are hard to come by, therefore, you want to be the best possible candidate for when they do arise, but if you have any visible tattoos like me then you are usually automatically inhibited. That's just the truth. People judge me because of my tattoos, people will not hire me because of my tattoos and that causes suffering especially when I might be just as qualified as the next average joe who's applying.
Life is full of these situations where you have to choose what is best. Life is based on nothing else but choices. The choices we make make us who we are.
The tattoo on my wrist is for the foundation To Write Love On Her Arms (TWLOHA). I got it when I first turned 18. Besides the fact that I have always been fascinated with tattoos my wrist tattoo was one that I had thought about for a long while. My tattoo, "Love," on my wrist means the world to me. It reminds me everyday of the love I have in my heart, my past, my scars, the love I have for myself and so much more. I chose to inhibit myself, but at least I took the time to think about it and to weigh the pros and cons. All life is suffering, there is no way getting around it. And yes there are moments of happiness, but of course that is not all the time. Disregard everything else that plays into your happiness because I don't have enough time to go over it in this post nor any post.
My point is weigh the pros and cons and if it is worth it to you, allow yourself to suffer a bit more. But, do not take the stance that since life is suffering then you should do whatever you want and say fuck it cause living life impetuously is a life wasted.
I am not telling you to smile, but I am telling you not to be down
For me I am easily discouraged. One little thing can put me under my comforter for a whole day, and I don't come out, not even for meals. I wish I wasn't this way. I guess you could call me hypersensitive.
Anywho, the other day something got me down and it was instantaneous, like a quick onset of anaphylactic shock from peanuts. I was distressed and self hating. Someone told me emotions only last for 12 minutes and after that everything else is self inflicted.
So what did I do?
I self inflicted, but not in the destructive way like I have in the past.
All together I will say this, people will hurt you, they will hurt you without even knowing it. And, that is life. Life is suffering. Life will grind your gears, kick you down and stab you straight in the heart without one passing glance. When this happens it is okay to sit for the rest of the night and watch movies while gorging yourself with Trader Joe's power berries. Just don't forget yourself, don't forget yourself in this despair.
Anywho, the other day something got me down and it was instantaneous, like a quick onset of anaphylactic shock from peanuts. I was distressed and self hating. Someone told me emotions only last for 12 minutes and after that everything else is self inflicted.
So what did I do?
I self inflicted, but not in the destructive way like I have in the past.
All together I will say this, people will hurt you, they will hurt you without even knowing it. And, that is life. Life is suffering. Life will grind your gears, kick you down and stab you straight in the heart without one passing glance. When this happens it is okay to sit for the rest of the night and watch movies while gorging yourself with Trader Joe's power berries. Just don't forget yourself, don't forget yourself in this despair.
Friday, May 18, 2012
true love.
Blake Snyder talks about 10 movie genres and they're atypical cause they don't fall under the category of romance, comedy, etc. He talks about this genre called Buddy Love and basically movies under this category fulfill the general story concept of this...
2 people have a budding friendship or love connection
something threatens their relationship
and they end up realizing that they need each other
the fact that they need this other person basically freaks them out because you can give up the things you want, but not the things you need.
but in the end they come full circle and realize that though needing someone and not wanting someone is so different, so scary, they would rather need and have that someone than be alone.
I suppose true love is needing someone.
Of course there are exceptions, but I think if your life is not the same without someone, so much that you need them, then it's love. (unless you have an addictive personality bahaha)
Anywho it is just another viewpoint on love from a screenwriter who writes countless love stories. I think it might be true.
2 people have a budding friendship or love connection
something threatens their relationship
and they end up realizing that they need each other
the fact that they need this other person basically freaks them out because you can give up the things you want, but not the things you need.
but in the end they come full circle and realize that though needing someone and not wanting someone is so different, so scary, they would rather need and have that someone than be alone.
I suppose true love is needing someone.
Of course there are exceptions, but I think if your life is not the same without someone, so much that you need them, then it's love. (unless you have an addictive personality bahaha)
Anywho it is just another viewpoint on love from a screenwriter who writes countless love stories. I think it might be true.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Accepting rejection
Life is full of rejection. Full of NO. Full of not admitted, not good enough, I don't like you, etc. And, that's why you've got to be full of YES. Yes I can do this and none of that bullshit NO is going to stop me.
I didn't get into Chapman, again. I opened the letter and thought this could be it. The first time I was rejected I was devastated, and now the second time around I was just like, "oh well." Chapman doesn't define me. I know I have talent and to throw it away because of one place telling me NO is just too pathetic and stupid. Even if I get a million more NOs (which I most definitely will), I will not give up. I can't.
That's the hardest part of life, just getting through the bad days.
I don't know what's going to happen next, but one thing I know for sure is that I will never stop writing.
I didn't get into Chapman, again. I opened the letter and thought this could be it. The first time I was rejected I was devastated, and now the second time around I was just like, "oh well." Chapman doesn't define me. I know I have talent and to throw it away because of one place telling me NO is just too pathetic and stupid. Even if I get a million more NOs (which I most definitely will), I will not give up. I can't.
That's the hardest part of life, just getting through the bad days.
I don't know what's going to happen next, but one thing I know for sure is that I will never stop writing.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
yolo unicorn
It has taken me a while to come to the place I am now. Today, after a very rigorous and in your face lecture about life from my film 1 teacher, I felt different. Like a new soul breathing again for the first time in a while. He basically reassured all my fears which was good in the sense that now I know what to expect (for the most part). I thought I was alone in my fear of the future.
And yes the fear is still there, but at least now I know that it is just a part of the process.
He talked about how we don't realize that we are pissing away our youth on stupid shit. I completely understand. I have been wasting myself, my mind, my soul on what I thought to be so important. I'm 20. 20 years old and in a sense I have all the time in the world and yet none at all. I want to be happy like I was today, but everyday. I was finally free from my regret, my fears(some of them). I've seriously probably aged myself so much with all the worrying I've done in the past. And I know I am not fixed and that I will have good days and bad, but to not do exactly what you want because you are too afraid is the most horrid mistake of them all.
Looking back on past experiences, jobs, relationships, and friendships, I realize they all served a purpose. It was destiny or fate the way things happened. I don't know how or why, but all these things happened for a reason. It's the circle of life. A cyclic process that breaks us down and then builds us back up (if we use it to our advantage). Life is suffering, and how you deal with the suffering makes you the person you are.
I haven't dealt with things healthily in the past, but the amazing thing about life is that tomorrow is a new day, a new chance.
Do what makes you crumble with fear.
And yes the fear is still there, but at least now I know that it is just a part of the process.
He talked about how we don't realize that we are pissing away our youth on stupid shit. I completely understand. I have been wasting myself, my mind, my soul on what I thought to be so important. I'm 20. 20 years old and in a sense I have all the time in the world and yet none at all. I want to be happy like I was today, but everyday. I was finally free from my regret, my fears(some of them). I've seriously probably aged myself so much with all the worrying I've done in the past. And I know I am not fixed and that I will have good days and bad, but to not do exactly what you want because you are too afraid is the most horrid mistake of them all.
Looking back on past experiences, jobs, relationships, and friendships, I realize they all served a purpose. It was destiny or fate the way things happened. I don't know how or why, but all these things happened for a reason. It's the circle of life. A cyclic process that breaks us down and then builds us back up (if we use it to our advantage). Life is suffering, and how you deal with the suffering makes you the person you are.
I haven't dealt with things healthily in the past, but the amazing thing about life is that tomorrow is a new day, a new chance.
Do what makes you crumble with fear.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
broken time
I got away, but I returned. It had been centuries in this new life. I didn't know if you'd remember me or if she would remember me, her own mother. I approached the house on tip toe fearing that you'd send me home. That our old love wouldn't let you see that I wanted to just come home. Yet when you opened the door, she asked who I was, but with one look at you and one look at me, she knew. I was her. The infamous, tragedy that plagued her dreams. She hugged my knees. You stood your ground. I grabbed your hand and then it was all over. Each light flooded from me to you, a vessel for the heat that enraged the chemicals boiling. It hurt yet we couldn't let go. As if the binding reunited finally became whole. It wasn't easy for you to let me over the threshold to your heart. I had left. You hated me. But you wanted me back. I curled up next to you with her in between, we formed this egg shape in the mess of your sheets. I kissed you and her freely. It was beautiful just to love. We were once again a family. And each day after it was a tiring trial period. Am I going to make it? You thought I might leave again. You always had your doubts. Till night fell and we began a new day did you then trust your heart. It was right. It was kind. Our love went past the centuries and into her. How bizarre to think this little body was ours. Never have I felt so much love and passion in my future.
-A short story that came to me in a dream... excerpt from my thoughts... don't know if I will actually write it.
-A short story that came to me in a dream... excerpt from my thoughts... don't know if I will actually write it.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
letting go, starting anew, realizing everything you do
My blog became overtly specific, as if I was pointing fingers at all these "anonymous" people. That's why I took a break. I was hiding behind this blog. You couldn't see me, yet I could say anything I wanted to and talk the most shit ever on all of you. Blogs are an outlet but they shouldn't be how you deal with problems. Write to deal, but don't blog to deal. The internet is a nasty place. So then why am I starting this new post? I am going to try and be general and blog about common situations and ideas. Of course every blog post has some truth to it that actually led to it being written, therefore nothing is ever meaningless.
The reason why I have a blog is to blog about things and have people connect with them. For a while no one read this blog and I was merely writing for myself and now a few people read it here and there. I guess my point is that this blog has importance in my life and to totally discard and delete it would be heartbreaking.
Alright, onto the post I came on here to write.
I am not the best at relationships. In fact I have never had a relationship last long enough to even know if I was good at it, but I suppose since they have never lasted long then that answers that! ***<---disclaimer for everything you are about to read***
I have always had this need and want to be admired and loved, and honestly I have no idea where this addiction/obsession came from. I don't have daddy problems and nothing traumatic ever happened to me as a kid. I had a great childhood and a wonderful family. But this compulsion for the need of acceptance has led to all my destructive tendencies. I want people to think I'm cool. I drink. I want to be friends with them. I smoke. I want him to love me. I have sex with him. It's a sad cycle that I've put myself through while trying to find love in all the wrong places.
My biggest problem I think has been sex and using sex to get someone to like me. Any guy will like you if you have sex with him, but once he cums then you're just like every other girl who has put out. A dime a dozen. For some reason I was never taught that sex was sacred. I never really understood what it was like to have a healthy relationship with another man. And I honestly don't know why.
At times I fall back into my old ways and rely on what is comfortable to me, that being sex. I get so anxious about someone actually getting to know me and liking me for who I am that I instead just throw in the towel and say lets have sex and then I will know you like me (not true). And when I do this they leave and I always wonder why. Now that's not the reason why they all leave. But in the past they have gotten exactly what they wanted and found no reason to entertain the idea of US any longer. Sad, but I bring it on myself. If I let someone get to know me without putting sex in the equation and they still left in the end well at least I would know I hadn't wasted something special on another douche bag.
I guess it all comes down to how much someone really likes you, how much they care, how much they want it to work out. Let me tell you, every girl wants you to fight for her, always. If you don't fight it just confirms everything we have been dreading, the fact that you really don't want to be with us. At least this is how I feel. And in the end when everything is said and done, you look back on what happened and you hold on to this single tiny piece of hope that a fucking miracle will happen and suddenly he will want to be with you again. Part of you says it will never happen and then this other part sneaks up on you and says, "maybe, you never know." And, it's true, you never do know, but in this case it is better to just let go.
Letting go fucking sucks. Not texting him. Not calling him. Not kissing him. Not laughing with him. Not going out to dinner with him. Not having crazy adventures with him. Not doing anything with him. It's like he's a ghost, someone that I used to know who no longer lives here anymore(2 lyrics put together... guess those songs!). But, why try and convince someone you're worth it? Why try and tell someone to make time for you? Why try to put effort in when the other person could care less? It's that damn hope again. And hope is good, but in this situation I think it is better to move on, realize that you're fucking wonderful, and that you will definitely find your soulmate, and to have fun whenever you can.
This doesn't mean you need to cut them out of your life (unless he's a creepy ass stalker) but it just means to let go and start being happy again. You shouldn't need someone to make you happy.
Of course you will think of him. Little things will remind you. But, the only good way to deal with those things is to let it cross your mind and then let it leave.
We all have wasted ourselves on someone who didn't love us. Why waste anymore time, energy, love on them?
The reason why I have a blog is to blog about things and have people connect with them. For a while no one read this blog and I was merely writing for myself and now a few people read it here and there. I guess my point is that this blog has importance in my life and to totally discard and delete it would be heartbreaking.
Alright, onto the post I came on here to write.
I am not the best at relationships. In fact I have never had a relationship last long enough to even know if I was good at it, but I suppose since they have never lasted long then that answers that! ***<---disclaimer for everything you are about to read***
I have always had this need and want to be admired and loved, and honestly I have no idea where this addiction/obsession came from. I don't have daddy problems and nothing traumatic ever happened to me as a kid. I had a great childhood and a wonderful family. But this compulsion for the need of acceptance has led to all my destructive tendencies. I want people to think I'm cool. I drink. I want to be friends with them. I smoke. I want him to love me. I have sex with him. It's a sad cycle that I've put myself through while trying to find love in all the wrong places.
My biggest problem I think has been sex and using sex to get someone to like me. Any guy will like you if you have sex with him, but once he cums then you're just like every other girl who has put out. A dime a dozen. For some reason I was never taught that sex was sacred. I never really understood what it was like to have a healthy relationship with another man. And I honestly don't know why.
At times I fall back into my old ways and rely on what is comfortable to me, that being sex. I get so anxious about someone actually getting to know me and liking me for who I am that I instead just throw in the towel and say lets have sex and then I will know you like me (not true). And when I do this they leave and I always wonder why. Now that's not the reason why they all leave. But in the past they have gotten exactly what they wanted and found no reason to entertain the idea of US any longer. Sad, but I bring it on myself. If I let someone get to know me without putting sex in the equation and they still left in the end well at least I would know I hadn't wasted something special on another douche bag.
I guess it all comes down to how much someone really likes you, how much they care, how much they want it to work out. Let me tell you, every girl wants you to fight for her, always. If you don't fight it just confirms everything we have been dreading, the fact that you really don't want to be with us. At least this is how I feel. And in the end when everything is said and done, you look back on what happened and you hold on to this single tiny piece of hope that a fucking miracle will happen and suddenly he will want to be with you again. Part of you says it will never happen and then this other part sneaks up on you and says, "maybe, you never know." And, it's true, you never do know, but in this case it is better to just let go.
Letting go fucking sucks. Not texting him. Not calling him. Not kissing him. Not laughing with him. Not going out to dinner with him. Not having crazy adventures with him. Not doing anything with him. It's like he's a ghost, someone that I used to know who no longer lives here anymore(2 lyrics put together... guess those songs!). But, why try and convince someone you're worth it? Why try and tell someone to make time for you? Why try to put effort in when the other person could care less? It's that damn hope again. And hope is good, but in this situation I think it is better to move on, realize that you're fucking wonderful, and that you will definitely find your soulmate, and to have fun whenever you can.
This doesn't mean you need to cut them out of your life (unless he's a creepy ass stalker) but it just means to let go and start being happy again. You shouldn't need someone to make you happy.
Of course you will think of him. Little things will remind you. But, the only good way to deal with those things is to let it cross your mind and then let it leave.
We all have wasted ourselves on someone who didn't love us. Why waste anymore time, energy, love on them?
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