At first, the day of, I didn't know what to write. Now on March 27th at 2:39 a.m. I have a compulsive urge to write what I feel and what I know. I swear this compulsion about sharing my feelings through writing is why my sleep is so fucked up. All my ideas flow through my fingertips best at night. This would be helpful if I slept all day and was up at night ehemmm maybe I should be a vampire.
Anywho, March 24th 2010 my Grandpa Don died. His heart stopped, his breath left his lungs and his eyes closed. My family saw him before he passed and I was up at school when I got the news. I have and still do hold on to the fact that I wasn't there, wasn't there to squeeze his hand and give him a kiss. My grandpa has been a part of my life since I can remember. I remember the rosmoor fair where he bought me the barbie basket filled with everything pink and Barbie. All the trips to Disneyland and in particular riding the jungle cruise with him. Being young, vivacious, curious, self centered, I didn't appreciate him and the time I spent with him. I have come to terms that that is okay because I was so little and didn't realize that all moments were fleeting, though I do believe as I got older I did kind of make up for lost time. But, only kind of.
There's a lot of things I could say about my grandpa, I suppose the most important things were that he served in the Air Force during World War II and was in the top turret of a B-24 Bomber plane, he loved his country and even more his family, he came from nothing and made something of himself, he was courageous, strong, loving, kind, smart, and generous. Of course none of these things that I have just said define my grandpa, he was undefinable. (Sorry for the first sentence run-on)
On the day of his funeral I was sad, nervous and happy. Seemingly odd emotions to have at your grandfather's funeral. I was happy that even though the pain was not gone, that we were making progress in this difficult time. After this day there would be no more talk of funerals, death and things that I didn't want to think about. Who will get this? Do you think she will even show up to the funeral? What flowers should we pick for the arrangements? So stressful in a time where all you want to do is curl up in a ball and wait till it is over. I have to say that it was definitely a bonding experience for my mom's side of the family because in the death of my grandpa we found what truly held us together, him. I was of course sad and pained with grief that my grandfather was now gone but I was sad that I didn't get to say goodbye necessarily like my family had. We kind of knew that within a few days he would probably pass so of course people flooded into his house to have one last glance at his life and a give him a kiss or two. I was not there. I thought I was going to be seeing him over spring break but unfortunately he passed a day before I was supposed to leave.
I was nervous because I was going to be speaking in front of everyone at the service. I had decided to read a Henry Scott Holland poem (posted below) because I just couldn't come up with any words to express how I felt. Not being able to put my own feelings on paper was heartbreaking for me because I knew what I wanted to say but I just couldn't find a way; I wanted to do my grandpa proud but I couldn't. The service was beautiful and then we went back to his house. It's funny because I could read so many different emotions on everybody's faces. I saw happy, relived, sad, torn, indifferent, empty, lost. So many emotions in a small house in Long Beach can be quite tiresome to the soul and mind. Me and Scott escaped to the car. Everyone grieves in their own way and for a while there was silence and mindless babbling about the fact that he was actually gone. The day was lovely for such an unfortunate occasion. I dressed up that day in a little black dress, pearls, with my hair pulled back, and way too high stilleto heels. I wanted to look good for my last and final goodbye to him.
It's odd, I have always believed in ghosts/apparitions. My mom went to this median and she was able to talk/contact her mother who died a little after she was 21 (not sure as to her exact age when Grandma Mary died). Maybe you don't believe in that kind of stuff but I did and after hearing about my mom's experience last year it was just more of a confirmation of the ability to communicate with the dead. I don't feel this way now. After my Grandpa died I remember being able to feel him, feel where he was after he had passed...somewhere in a space between death and heaven (if heaven exists). Caught in the afterlife I felt what he was experiencing, and me and my mom would talk about it. I thought it was all real but now I look back and think that it was all in my mind. Why such a change of heart? It has now been a year since his death and I don't feel his presence anymore and I don't know if this is because my outward grieving has stopped and I no longer have to console myself with this idea of him watching over me or if it never existed in the first place. My grandfather believed in ghosts and I just feel like I should still feel him, always, by my side, or up above looking down upon me. You know how if you stare at someone they eventually look your way, I feel like he isn't staring and I can't find him. See it doesn't matter if what I believed to be true, ghost, really exist or not because I have learned how he carries on in other ways. He is forever present in me, my mom, my brother, my auntie, jen, sal, jack. His genes run through us, basically. I have his many photo albums, his medals and all other memorabilia that I have staked claim on. I know he will never truly die, not in my heart at least. After he had died and I had heard all the things that people had to say about my grandpa I started to realize, in depth, what an amazing person he was. Words fail to even describe him. I realized I wanted to live a life like his; Always giving to others when he didn't have enough for himself, extending his hand to people who weren't even his family, keeping in touch constantly with the people he loved, always having a joke to make the day lighter, having passion for his life and country. My grandfather instilled drive, passion and perseverance in me. He fueled my phases of art, horse back riding and everything else I wanted to try. He brought light to my dreams, making me believe that anything I wanted to do was possible. Today life can fucking beat you down into the ground. Life is just so destructive and beautiful at the same time that we don't know whether we are happy to be alive or wishing we were dead. I don't believe my life was easier than his or harder, just really different. But he got through it and made it something worth talking about. I want to be like my grandpa. This is how I know he will never die. What I've learned from him will never disappear and when I falter the memories of him will drive me on. Death brings light to many things, things unknown that you never noticed. Death also breaks your heart and makes the world at times seem a little bit terrifying.
I have been reading a lot about religion for of course my world religions class and I have realized that life is kind of messed up. I understand why myself, and others prayed for death because the world was so hateful and painful. I get it. The difference between now and then is that to give in to the world, to kill yourself, is the fact that you lack fiber and courage. I don't believe we are meant to succeed. I believe in a theological sense that the world is against us and that there is no hope for mankind because we will end up destroying ourselves and everything we build. But, I also believe that we are meant to be here so that we can change it, change destiny if destiny exists or make up our own story because noting exists ahead. Choose...live life or live dead. I want to ask myself everyday, am I taking today for granted? Have I told everyone I love that I love and appreciate them? Am I enjoying my life? These are simple questions to ask but how often to we continuously ask them? I, myself, never do except for once in a while. All I am saying is that through death there is meaning and by adding to your life there is meaning in death.
Death is nothing at all by Henry Scott-Holland
Death is nothing at all
I have only slipped away into the next room
I am I and you are you
Whatever we were to each other
That we are still
Call me by my old familiar name
Speak to me in the easy way you always used
Put no difference into your tone
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow
Laugh as we always laughed
At the little jokes we always enjoyed together
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was
Let it be spoken without effort
Without the ghost of a shadow in it
Life means all that it ever meant
It is the same as it ever was
There is absolute unbroken continuity
What is death but a negligible accident?
Why should I be out of mind
Because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you for an interval
Somewhere very near
Just around the corner
All is well.
Nothing is past; nothing is lost
One brief moment and all will be as it was before
How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!
I love you Grandpa<3
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
gold
It's almost 2 a.m. and I am up, thinking, reeling, and of course as you can tell, not sleeping. I could sleep but I know it will take about an hour for me to actually close my eyes, clear my mind and just sleep. So, why not write and not sleep for lack of exciting dreams and having too much shit on my mind.
so here goes nothing but babbling and ranting.
This past weekend was great, amazing, wondrous and filled with golden, illuminating specs that made everything taste sweeter and richer. I was wandering around SF state with some friends while being ehemmm cough under some influence. I wandered into the forests of SF state only to find that the jungle leaves glowed beneath the cold lamppost's wavering eye. The leaves could've turned into gold butterflies that would've danced beneath the night sky. It was picturesque to say the least. Everything was more beautiful than it ever seemed to be. Most things do appear to be more pretty at night to me. Maybe its how light plays on the darkness or maybe it's the silence. Anywho I know what the word golden meant after that night.
Golden- to be pure, free from any inhibitions such as worries, pains, mistakes, hatred. All you feel is this spotless love that radiates from the golden glow as it infects your limbs, making you want to dance. You marvel silently at things that you never imagined could be.
It might all sound stupid or hard to believe but for some reason I wish everything was dowsed with gold light. Maybe it is and I am just not looking hard enough. Stay golden ponyboy.
So, that was Friday and then there was Saturday where the gold streak continued. Saturday I felt comfortable in my own skin... like I could move around without holding my breath in fear that I would make a sound, indicating that I was unsure of myself. My body and mind were sound as I bathed in the tranquility of knowing myself. I didn't have to pretend. I was held that night like there was some affection, some spark. Maybe that's what brought the mojo back or maybe it was the drunkeness or the gold. I don't know.
I only mention these things because they're oddities for me. I don't typically feel like myself or that I can be like my true self and I have never been able to marvel at my lack of inhibitions and my magnitude of love.
Maybe I am growing and finally putting some of my tools to work. Maybe I am creating a mansion of security that will occupy my life forever. So many maybes where only time will tell.
And though my weekend was great there was other things that are worth pondering.
A new breakthrough in my life has been saying..."fuck it, if you don't like [insert: this, that or me] then, fuck you I am moving on."
In the past, me, being indifferent has caused me bruises, pains and lesions because I would disregard things that had really mattered. For example, one night I would be upset about something and drinking my sorrows away because I took the stance of "fuck it" and I would consequently end up throwing up my guts and feeling lower than low (you might be thinking that this is every typical bad night of drinking for someone, but for me I suppose it's a bit different because the degrees of my lows and how long it takes for me to get out of them). And now I feel more cautious and analytical before I say fuck it. Maybe that is the big difference, the fact that it's not so impulsive. But, not until literally last week and this weekend have I ever been so sure about who I was, where I am going, how I feel, and what I want to do. Therefore all my "fuck its" had no repercussions of feeling like a dead rat in a gutter. Once again, very surprising. I, by nature, am impulsive and silly. I do things that I regret and that fucking suck. But, this time I am here writing a blog saying I couldn't be happier with the choices I made. I guess it boils down to the fact that I am down-right tired of trying to.......
please others
please myself based on things that are unpleasing to me
find a good guy to be in relationship with (I'd rather just find a good guy)
be somebody I am not
know everything and control everything
try
sort out the drama and make it all better
figure out why I do most things wrong which then leads me to wallowing in my own grief
be happy all the time
justify my actions
get you to love me
Basically you get tired of trying to do things that should come naturally. Of course most things in life take work and a lot of it, but I suppose there are things that to that individual person aren't worth the work. When I say, "find a good guy to be in a relationship with," I mean that I am fucking tired of either A. trying to make things work with a douche bag. B. trying to fix the things I have done wrong in a relationship. C. trying to find someone who connects on my level D. trying to make someone love me (which by the way is of course, impossible (I am talking about the 'make' part not the 'love me' part).
I am not saying I give up on all these things but at some point you realize that this or that doesn't really matter or that you really don't need to be doing this or that all these things will come in good time.
I am saying it's okay to be happy with things not being perfect and immaculate. Wow. I guess that just hit me right now cause I don't think I have ever really known that.
I was telling Maddy that the reason why I get so worked up over things is because I feel like I have made so many mistakes already in my past that I have already filled up my score card and that I am not allowed to have anymore fuckups. So, when I do fuck up, my world crashes and crumbles and I beat myself up because I don't want to go backwards. But what I am realizing is that to accept, and maybe sometimes make better is to move forward in life. Trying to fix the things that cannot be fixed because they're done is like fucking for your virginity. Maybe if I let go of this need for perfection then I can finally be free from the things that bind me to my past.
:) wow again.
so here goes nothing but babbling and ranting.
This past weekend was great, amazing, wondrous and filled with golden, illuminating specs that made everything taste sweeter and richer. I was wandering around SF state with some friends while being ehemmm cough under some influence. I wandered into the forests of SF state only to find that the jungle leaves glowed beneath the cold lamppost's wavering eye. The leaves could've turned into gold butterflies that would've danced beneath the night sky. It was picturesque to say the least. Everything was more beautiful than it ever seemed to be. Most things do appear to be more pretty at night to me. Maybe its how light plays on the darkness or maybe it's the silence. Anywho I know what the word golden meant after that night.
Golden- to be pure, free from any inhibitions such as worries, pains, mistakes, hatred. All you feel is this spotless love that radiates from the golden glow as it infects your limbs, making you want to dance. You marvel silently at things that you never imagined could be.
It might all sound stupid or hard to believe but for some reason I wish everything was dowsed with gold light. Maybe it is and I am just not looking hard enough. Stay golden ponyboy.
So, that was Friday and then there was Saturday where the gold streak continued. Saturday I felt comfortable in my own skin... like I could move around without holding my breath in fear that I would make a sound, indicating that I was unsure of myself. My body and mind were sound as I bathed in the tranquility of knowing myself. I didn't have to pretend. I was held that night like there was some affection, some spark. Maybe that's what brought the mojo back or maybe it was the drunkeness or the gold. I don't know.
I only mention these things because they're oddities for me. I don't typically feel like myself or that I can be like my true self and I have never been able to marvel at my lack of inhibitions and my magnitude of love.
Maybe I am growing and finally putting some of my tools to work. Maybe I am creating a mansion of security that will occupy my life forever. So many maybes where only time will tell.
And though my weekend was great there was other things that are worth pondering.
A new breakthrough in my life has been saying..."fuck it, if you don't like [insert: this, that or me] then, fuck you I am moving on."
In the past, me, being indifferent has caused me bruises, pains and lesions because I would disregard things that had really mattered. For example, one night I would be upset about something and drinking my sorrows away because I took the stance of "fuck it" and I would consequently end up throwing up my guts and feeling lower than low (you might be thinking that this is every typical bad night of drinking for someone, but for me I suppose it's a bit different because the degrees of my lows and how long it takes for me to get out of them). And now I feel more cautious and analytical before I say fuck it. Maybe that is the big difference, the fact that it's not so impulsive. But, not until literally last week and this weekend have I ever been so sure about who I was, where I am going, how I feel, and what I want to do. Therefore all my "fuck its" had no repercussions of feeling like a dead rat in a gutter. Once again, very surprising. I, by nature, am impulsive and silly. I do things that I regret and that fucking suck. But, this time I am here writing a blog saying I couldn't be happier with the choices I made. I guess it boils down to the fact that I am down-right tired of trying to.......
please others
please myself based on things that are unpleasing to me
find a good guy to be in relationship with (I'd rather just find a good guy)
be somebody I am not
know everything and control everything
try
sort out the drama and make it all better
figure out why I do most things wrong which then leads me to wallowing in my own grief
be happy all the time
justify my actions
get you to love me
Basically you get tired of trying to do things that should come naturally. Of course most things in life take work and a lot of it, but I suppose there are things that to that individual person aren't worth the work. When I say, "find a good guy to be in a relationship with," I mean that I am fucking tired of either A. trying to make things work with a douche bag. B. trying to fix the things I have done wrong in a relationship. C. trying to find someone who connects on my level D. trying to make someone love me (which by the way is of course, impossible (I am talking about the 'make' part not the 'love me' part).
I am not saying I give up on all these things but at some point you realize that this or that doesn't really matter or that you really don't need to be doing this or that all these things will come in good time.
I am saying it's okay to be happy with things not being perfect and immaculate. Wow. I guess that just hit me right now cause I don't think I have ever really known that.
I was telling Maddy that the reason why I get so worked up over things is because I feel like I have made so many mistakes already in my past that I have already filled up my score card and that I am not allowed to have anymore fuckups. So, when I do fuck up, my world crashes and crumbles and I beat myself up because I don't want to go backwards. But what I am realizing is that to accept, and maybe sometimes make better is to move forward in life. Trying to fix the things that cannot be fixed because they're done is like fucking for your virginity. Maybe if I let go of this need for perfection then I can finally be free from the things that bind me to my past.
:) wow again.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
dreamers and believers
Things right now aren't ideal, yet I am still happy. I am happy because I have come to terms with things, I have abandoned my anxiety about everything going wrong and thrown it out the window. It's easy to know when you're making the right decision. If you have the slightest stomach ache about something in your life then you probably need to take an extra second and consider things. I have done exactly that and now I feel so much better about what lays ahead. Yes, I have my manic ups and downs but this feeling is becoming a bit more permanent by each minute that ticks away.
I look out at my window and attempt to place the images in my mind, in certain nooks and crannies, in hopes that they will stay and not fade away because right now I am almost 90% sure that I am not coming back to SF state next year. My two friends Jessica and Jenn had decided to leave SF state and when they told me I really couldn't understand. Of course everyone has their own reasons, but still I thought they were cowards for leaving (sorry guys keep reading, I love you so much) and now I understand why they left. I love San Francisco, I love how when it rains downtown the lights reflect off the street puddles, I love the tall buildings, I love the places that don't card, I love all the parades and events that seriously go on about every weekend, I love the people in SF, I love the culture, I love all the museums, I love how the rain still makes it green even though it's a metropolitan city, I love San Francisco and I will miss it once I am gone. I might come back, who knows. Anywho, I realized that I don't see myself here next year,I don't see myself trying to pretend that this is where I want or need to be. I came to SF state as a biology major with hopes of one day going to medical school and now I am so utterly confused about what I am even doing with my life. And everyone keeps telling me that not knowing is totally, okay. But, being a person who loves control and who loves to try and control the things that are uncontrollable, the future/unknown freaks me out. I only get to go to college once and I have experienced a tiny bit of college and now I realize I need to go back to the drawing boards so that I can figure my shit out. San Francisco is an expensive city in all aspects and because of lack of money and my own transportation it stops me from doing some of the things I would like to do. You may say these are just excuses, and maybe you're right but I will call them my reasons. I see people at SF state who balance a full time job, 16 units and fun times. I wish I could be like that, and I can because when I have a clear state of mind I can multitask and get my shit done. Basically by going home I will be saving my parents money, I can volunteer at the J.F. Shea Center, I can get a job and baby, I can drive my car. My brother said, "Molly, you can do those things up here too." But truly I can't. I have so many dreams and ambitions but I am just unsure where my path lies. I want to volunteer at the Santa Ana Hospital which has the biggest trauma center in California (I am almost sure) so I can get experience in a hospital setting to see if pre-med is what I really want to devote my time to. I can't do this during the summer because of time constraints. I could volunteer at UCSF but it takes muni bucks and time that I don't have. Driving really does cut down the time compared to the muni when going to some places. I want to volunteer at the J.F. Shea Center more and see if hippotherapy is something that I could replicate in a future program that is similar to the Shea Center (look up J.F. Shea Center...quite amazing). I also want to start a program in Capo Unified School District that gives kids the knowledge about mental health disorders and the resources to get help with them. I want to work at Family Member Veterinary Hospital or another vet hospital in the area as a technicians assistant to see if veterinary medicine would be something I would want to also do. I also want to start creating short films/stop motion films/take film production classes/animation classes. I have many passions (helping people, horses, art, mental health disorders, animals, film, etc.) And truly if I go home I believe I will be able to get some experience in all these fields and have a better clue about what who I am and what I want to do. I have gotten some guidance from friends and they say do what you need to do, don't hesitate, just do it, live your dreams. My friend Casey is the biggest dreamer, and he's not the only one. I am going to take a year to get my head clear, get experience, and make my dreams a reality. I am not going to need luck, just perseverance. I know I can be amazing and make a change in this world and I am not going to let my fear of failing stop me. Never before have things been so clear to me. I know people might not understand, they will say I will regret it, they might even call me a coward. I know there will be people supporting me along the way and also people throwing stones at me and that's fine. People get jealous and try to hold you back to their level because they are fearful that you will actually accomplish what you're promising.
One last thing.
I have gotten so tired of trying to fit in with people that don't really appreciate me...so much that I have come to the conclusion of saying, "fuck 'em." This world is cruel and beautiful and I am not afraid of the cruel but I wont let it stop me from seeing the beautiful. We are born selfish and inconsiderate. ME ME ME. Some of us never trade in these qualities for better ones. I have realized that I am loved by only the people who really matter in my life. But I do warn you that anger, fear, envy and hate can allow you to make decisions and assumptions in haste. Be careful but also don't hang around people who aren't worth your time and love.
Hope this was semi interesting and not too annoying. Even if it was, oh well :)
another goal is to get some of my writing published.
Much love to the dreamers and believers
I look out at my window and attempt to place the images in my mind, in certain nooks and crannies, in hopes that they will stay and not fade away because right now I am almost 90% sure that I am not coming back to SF state next year. My two friends Jessica and Jenn had decided to leave SF state and when they told me I really couldn't understand. Of course everyone has their own reasons, but still I thought they were cowards for leaving (sorry guys keep reading, I love you so much) and now I understand why they left. I love San Francisco, I love how when it rains downtown the lights reflect off the street puddles, I love the tall buildings, I love the places that don't card, I love all the parades and events that seriously go on about every weekend, I love the people in SF, I love the culture, I love all the museums, I love how the rain still makes it green even though it's a metropolitan city, I love San Francisco and I will miss it once I am gone. I might come back, who knows. Anywho, I realized that I don't see myself here next year,I don't see myself trying to pretend that this is where I want or need to be. I came to SF state as a biology major with hopes of one day going to medical school and now I am so utterly confused about what I am even doing with my life. And everyone keeps telling me that not knowing is totally, okay. But, being a person who loves control and who loves to try and control the things that are uncontrollable, the future/unknown freaks me out. I only get to go to college once and I have experienced a tiny bit of college and now I realize I need to go back to the drawing boards so that I can figure my shit out. San Francisco is an expensive city in all aspects and because of lack of money and my own transportation it stops me from doing some of the things I would like to do. You may say these are just excuses, and maybe you're right but I will call them my reasons. I see people at SF state who balance a full time job, 16 units and fun times. I wish I could be like that, and I can because when I have a clear state of mind I can multitask and get my shit done. Basically by going home I will be saving my parents money, I can volunteer at the J.F. Shea Center, I can get a job and baby, I can drive my car. My brother said, "Molly, you can do those things up here too." But truly I can't. I have so many dreams and ambitions but I am just unsure where my path lies. I want to volunteer at the Santa Ana Hospital which has the biggest trauma center in California (I am almost sure) so I can get experience in a hospital setting to see if pre-med is what I really want to devote my time to. I can't do this during the summer because of time constraints. I could volunteer at UCSF but it takes muni bucks and time that I don't have. Driving really does cut down the time compared to the muni when going to some places. I want to volunteer at the J.F. Shea Center more and see if hippotherapy is something that I could replicate in a future program that is similar to the Shea Center (look up J.F. Shea Center...quite amazing). I also want to start a program in Capo Unified School District that gives kids the knowledge about mental health disorders and the resources to get help with them. I want to work at Family Member Veterinary Hospital or another vet hospital in the area as a technicians assistant to see if veterinary medicine would be something I would want to also do. I also want to start creating short films/stop motion films/take film production classes/animation classes. I have many passions (helping people, horses, art, mental health disorders, animals, film, etc.) And truly if I go home I believe I will be able to get some experience in all these fields and have a better clue about what who I am and what I want to do. I have gotten some guidance from friends and they say do what you need to do, don't hesitate, just do it, live your dreams. My friend Casey is the biggest dreamer, and he's not the only one. I am going to take a year to get my head clear, get experience, and make my dreams a reality. I am not going to need luck, just perseverance. I know I can be amazing and make a change in this world and I am not going to let my fear of failing stop me. Never before have things been so clear to me. I know people might not understand, they will say I will regret it, they might even call me a coward. I know there will be people supporting me along the way and also people throwing stones at me and that's fine. People get jealous and try to hold you back to their level because they are fearful that you will actually accomplish what you're promising.
One last thing.
I have gotten so tired of trying to fit in with people that don't really appreciate me...so much that I have come to the conclusion of saying, "fuck 'em." This world is cruel and beautiful and I am not afraid of the cruel but I wont let it stop me from seeing the beautiful. We are born selfish and inconsiderate. ME ME ME. Some of us never trade in these qualities for better ones. I have realized that I am loved by only the people who really matter in my life. But I do warn you that anger, fear, envy and hate can allow you to make decisions and assumptions in haste. Be careful but also don't hang around people who aren't worth your time and love.
Hope this was semi interesting and not too annoying. Even if it was, oh well :)
another goal is to get some of my writing published.
Much love to the dreamers and believers
Friday, March 11, 2011
God punishes the good and saves the beasts among them
What to you do when the last of them have disappointed you? What do you do when people have stepped on your heart, your amicable consideration towards them, your last hope that things will work out? What do you do when you feel like nothing is true anymore, like if you were to touch their lips they would ripple and fade into darkness? What do you do when you don't want to feel like shit but every time you think of why you feel like shit then you just feel shittier than when you started?
I have seen many of you, all of you,
till the depths of your faces where the insides meet your smile
more of a smirk with a devilish snare behind it
you're weightless and don't care for long walks or heavy hearts to hearts because you're living free in selfish solidarity
why should I break up your fun, just because I'm the absent one?
they tell me karma will get them and I say only luck will because that's how life is
God punishes the good and saves the beasts among them
yet I am not in heaven
a limbo of thoughts where nothing but unreciprocated feelings dwell, festering into bubbles of hell
save me, save me
I am not the victim, possibly the symptom, definitely not a girl who takes heartbreak well
Just tell me straight out then I can finally get it
stop living in ambiguities cause it twists the webs
sticking to my fingers making cotton candy dread
so stop, stop, stop it
I try to tell you what and you just brush it off like our friendship
then once again we are left with singed bridges and water below that holds no beginning or end
we are not friends, not true friends.
I have seen many of you, all of you,
till the depths of your faces where the insides meet your smile
more of a smirk with a devilish snare behind it
you're weightless and don't care for long walks or heavy hearts to hearts because you're living free in selfish solidarity
why should I break up your fun, just because I'm the absent one?
they tell me karma will get them and I say only luck will because that's how life is
God punishes the good and saves the beasts among them
yet I am not in heaven
a limbo of thoughts where nothing but unreciprocated feelings dwell, festering into bubbles of hell
save me, save me
I am not the victim, possibly the symptom, definitely not a girl who takes heartbreak well
Just tell me straight out then I can finally get it
stop living in ambiguities cause it twists the webs
sticking to my fingers making cotton candy dread
so stop, stop, stop it
I try to tell you what and you just brush it off like our friendship
then once again we are left with singed bridges and water below that holds no beginning or end
we are not friends, not true friends.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Life is funny
Alright, so new blog post though I am unsure what exactly I want to write about so I warn you that this may all be a jumble of words.
Solidarity. You live life alone, you change alone, you grow alone, you laugh alone, you die alone etc.
You may be saying to yourself that this gurl is pessimistic with her views on life and pshhhh honey has got it all wrong.
OR
you could be saying God is always with me.
OR
something else
Is this a pessimistic view on life? Maybe. Am I wrong? Maybe
but wrong or right doesn't matter, blogs are opinions.
So in the past week or so I have realized a few things...
1. you live life alone therefore you must be, 90% of the time, selfish when making decisions concerning your health (mental & physical) and general well being.
In response:
I have been reading a lot about buddhism and hinduism and the values that they are based on and a big kind of unifying theme is about how our need/attachment for materials/sense objects creates a desire and craving which inevitably creates suffering and dissatisfaction in our lives. It goes on telling its followers to devote every burp, defecation and strenuous workout to god (which ever god you would like to refer to according to your religion). Live your life according to god. This part I can't conceptualize because I am antitheistic and a bit agnostic/atheist. Anyways, bottom line is that we attach ourselves to many things (husbands, boyfriends, my stolen marc jacobs bag, our pets, yada yada yada) but what we fail to realize is that these attachments ultimately cause suffering because if something happens to them (death, age, sickness, or being stolen) then our life basically can flip upside down. Now I am not saying give up your attachments because I can't even imagine my life without all the pets I have had, they bring me soooo much joy. But in current situations with friends I have noticed their reluctance to give up these attachments when they are causing or will cause them severe pain in the future. All that I say is completely circumstantial because without attachments in my life I would have nothing to thrive on and live for. But, I have also realized that in this life, I die alone, I am born alone, I struggle alone. I am sure you can give examples of situations when your friend was with you through your trials and tribulations but truly everything in life is individualized to that one human being, nothing is the same for two different people. So these friends of mine are putting their lives in the line of fire all because they're so attached. I think this is unfair to them because no matter if you think what your doing is needed or right, you need to weigh the situation you are putting yourself in, is it as important as you say it is ( I do the test of.. will this matter in 5 years?) and if the option of it ending fatally or in jubilation is worth it. Is it worth your well being and sanity? All I am saying is ask yourself this because in the end you experience all this alone and no matter how hard you try to explain it to someone, even if they have been in the same experience, they will not know, only you will know what it felt like, what it smelt like what it tasted, sounded, looked like. But most of us want to be a martyr... die and be put through hell for something worth it. That concept is also a silly one that I typically engage in. Now with all this said I am not saying don't give to the poor nor volunteer at a place like the Betty Ford Center because it doesn't matter in the end. Though it may seem contradictory to everything I have just said, these things are useful and bring about joy and happiness ( typically . To give to someone else what they cannot give themselves is truly an amazing feeling and experience ( which can also be taken as you doing the job just to reap gratification ). So just be careful and weigh the options. Of course you are going to do things that aren't worth it but these, all these good and bad experiences shape us to be the person we are every second of every day.
2. Next thing which I sort of mentioned in the last paragraph is the thought of "will this matter in 5 years?" Most of the time the answer is, "No"
I have talked about wanting to always fit in and have people like me but I have been thinking about these silly things I fret over and how none of this will matter in 5 years. An example, you're at a party and someone tells you to snort a line of cocaine and you have a craving for drugs but are trying to stay sober but at the same time you want to be like everyone else, supposedly cool. PAUSE.... will these fuck heads matter in 5 years? Will I even know them 5 years from now? Will I remember their names tomorrow? Probably,no, but there are always exceptions to the rule (especially in fucking chemistry). None the less, I have found it helpful to focus on me, and what does matter, and what will affect me in 5 years.
Another key thing is...“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”-Dr.Seuss
3.A personal thing I have learned about myself is it's okay to be sexual and push the envelope because truly I like sex, I like talking about sex/sexual things and I like thinking about sex. What's not okay is to throw yourself at any person who will have you then cover it up by saying that I am just a sexual person and can't help it. Not true, you can help it. So yah, sexual but with no sex :) People might say I am a tease but seriously... whatever.
4. Lastly, I learned that life is funny, life is never what it seems to be and it never falls exactly in the plan you have set out. And, that as years pass the only constant is change. I realized this when I was talking to one of my ex boyfriends Nick, we were talking like friends... no inhibitions... no nothing. I asked him if he could ever see us getting back together, he said, "no." And I never thought I would say this because I was once so madly in love and infatuated with him but I am happier with his friendship more than a relationship and I truly have no feelings for him and don't ever see us getting back together in the future. I remember the nights I cried over him, asking, "why did this happen? What did I do wrong? Saying to myself, I will always love him." And I could've never guessed I would be totally, completely, utterly over him. I kind of consider him my first love... kind of. So it's a big thing for me to feel this way and I truly laughed and said, "wow." I was so amazed how things weren't how I ever had envisioned them. So there you go, life is funny, and I think everyone can find humor in how things have turned out whether for better or worse.
My Grandpa's death day is coming up and it has almost been a year without him, I have progressed without him. Once again life is always funny and surprising. Yet, there isn't a day that my heart doesn't find him.
Stay tuned :)
-Molly
Solidarity. You live life alone, you change alone, you grow alone, you laugh alone, you die alone etc.
You may be saying to yourself that this gurl is pessimistic with her views on life and pshhhh honey has got it all wrong.
OR
you could be saying God is always with me.
OR
something else
Is this a pessimistic view on life? Maybe. Am I wrong? Maybe
but wrong or right doesn't matter, blogs are opinions.
So in the past week or so I have realized a few things...
1. you live life alone therefore you must be, 90% of the time, selfish when making decisions concerning your health (mental & physical) and general well being.
In response:
I have been reading a lot about buddhism and hinduism and the values that they are based on and a big kind of unifying theme is about how our need/attachment for materials/sense objects creates a desire and craving which inevitably creates suffering and dissatisfaction in our lives. It goes on telling its followers to devote every burp, defecation and strenuous workout to god (which ever god you would like to refer to according to your religion). Live your life according to god. This part I can't conceptualize because I am antitheistic and a bit agnostic/atheist. Anyways, bottom line is that we attach ourselves to many things (husbands, boyfriends, my stolen marc jacobs bag, our pets, yada yada yada) but what we fail to realize is that these attachments ultimately cause suffering because if something happens to them (death, age, sickness, or being stolen) then our life basically can flip upside down. Now I am not saying give up your attachments because I can't even imagine my life without all the pets I have had, they bring me soooo much joy. But in current situations with friends I have noticed their reluctance to give up these attachments when they are causing or will cause them severe pain in the future. All that I say is completely circumstantial because without attachments in my life I would have nothing to thrive on and live for. But, I have also realized that in this life, I die alone, I am born alone, I struggle alone. I am sure you can give examples of situations when your friend was with you through your trials and tribulations but truly everything in life is individualized to that one human being, nothing is the same for two different people. So these friends of mine are putting their lives in the line of fire all because they're so attached. I think this is unfair to them because no matter if you think what your doing is needed or right, you need to weigh the situation you are putting yourself in, is it as important as you say it is ( I do the test of.. will this matter in 5 years?) and if the option of it ending fatally or in jubilation is worth it. Is it worth your well being and sanity? All I am saying is ask yourself this because in the end you experience all this alone and no matter how hard you try to explain it to someone, even if they have been in the same experience, they will not know, only you will know what it felt like, what it smelt like what it tasted, sounded, looked like. But most of us want to be a martyr... die and be put through hell for something worth it. That concept is also a silly one that I typically engage in. Now with all this said I am not saying don't give to the poor nor volunteer at a place like the Betty Ford Center because it doesn't matter in the end. Though it may seem contradictory to everything I have just said, these things are useful and bring about joy and happiness ( typically . To give to someone else what they cannot give themselves is truly an amazing feeling and experience ( which can also be taken as you doing the job just to reap gratification ). So just be careful and weigh the options. Of course you are going to do things that aren't worth it but these, all these good and bad experiences shape us to be the person we are every second of every day.
2. Next thing which I sort of mentioned in the last paragraph is the thought of "will this matter in 5 years?" Most of the time the answer is, "No"
I have talked about wanting to always fit in and have people like me but I have been thinking about these silly things I fret over and how none of this will matter in 5 years. An example, you're at a party and someone tells you to snort a line of cocaine and you have a craving for drugs but are trying to stay sober but at the same time you want to be like everyone else, supposedly cool. PAUSE.... will these fuck heads matter in 5 years? Will I even know them 5 years from now? Will I remember their names tomorrow? Probably,no, but there are always exceptions to the rule (especially in fucking chemistry). None the less, I have found it helpful to focus on me, and what does matter, and what will affect me in 5 years.
Another key thing is...“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”-Dr.Seuss
3.A personal thing I have learned about myself is it's okay to be sexual and push the envelope because truly I like sex, I like talking about sex/sexual things and I like thinking about sex. What's not okay is to throw yourself at any person who will have you then cover it up by saying that I am just a sexual person and can't help it. Not true, you can help it. So yah, sexual but with no sex :) People might say I am a tease but seriously... whatever.
4. Lastly, I learned that life is funny, life is never what it seems to be and it never falls exactly in the plan you have set out. And, that as years pass the only constant is change. I realized this when I was talking to one of my ex boyfriends Nick, we were talking like friends... no inhibitions... no nothing. I asked him if he could ever see us getting back together, he said, "no." And I never thought I would say this because I was once so madly in love and infatuated with him but I am happier with his friendship more than a relationship and I truly have no feelings for him and don't ever see us getting back together in the future. I remember the nights I cried over him, asking, "why did this happen? What did I do wrong? Saying to myself, I will always love him." And I could've never guessed I would be totally, completely, utterly over him. I kind of consider him my first love... kind of. So it's a big thing for me to feel this way and I truly laughed and said, "wow." I was so amazed how things weren't how I ever had envisioned them. So there you go, life is funny, and I think everyone can find humor in how things have turned out whether for better or worse.
My Grandpa's death day is coming up and it has almost been a year without him, I have progressed without him. Once again life is always funny and surprising. Yet, there isn't a day that my heart doesn't find him.
Stay tuned :)
-Molly
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