Grasping at pebbles when you know you need to be moving mountains

I feel compelled to write, almost as if my fingers were obligated to touch every key as fast as my brain can carry them just so that I can get this all out in one piece/peace (I feel like both could be used in this situation). I am enthralled like a magician is when he fools his audience, "ahhhh, you will never know!" I am not enthralled because I have secrets but more so because I have discoveries. Jesus rice my fingers are colliding because my brain is working faster than my hands (I have truly never been a strong typer despite that typing computer program that was drilled into me at Castille)

So I felt like shit starting from last weekend to maybe this afternoon because of a mishap I guess you could say or kink in the chain or a rock in my path or (___any other semi euphemism___). Anywho the thing that put me out and under was I slapped someone, well that someone being my ex boyfriend Eric. I don't know why I did, mainly because I was highly intoxicated and don't remember ( what a surprise...not ). I was playing the role of the drunken crying shit show that night and well Eric was my first pick when deciding whose night I should fuck with. Maybe he provoked me or threatened me... truly I have no idea and seeing that he didn't try to make any contact with me during the parts of the night I do remember, well I can only speculate that he was just as quiet as a mouse. So I had one of the worst nights ever and I moped around, boohooing for myself about what a fuckup I was and then I stopped taking my pills. I didn't intentionally stop taking them, it's just I forgot and after a certain time if I haven't take them then I can't because of medical blood level shit. If you don't know I take anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication and have been for about 4ish years now. I take lexapro, wellbutrin, and lamictal ( Plus Xanex for extreme emergencies ) Yup I am part of doped up America. Back to the story if you please. After multiple times of slapping Eric and then having my brothers roommate Chris come pick me up because I was in such a state of mind I woke up to realize that I felt like shit.

This is an excerpt from how I felt in a draft for a blog that I ended up not posting

So, I made a mistake like anybody else. I did something that can't can't be taken back. This isn't one of those moments where you can say you didn't mean it because you did, I did. I meant every bit of rage, hate and pain that surged through my hand that consequently hit his face. I hit him multiple times. Maybe this wouldn't be a big deal for somebody else but it is for me. I feel like a demented child that tortures animals when they're little and are therefore taken to multiple psychiatrists because they're doomed to be a serial killer. I mean you see the girls in the movies do exactly what I did, SLAP, and they feel so fulfilled and amazing after, like they have accomplished the unaccomplishable.

Yeahh unaccomplishable is not a word...

Point is, I gained nothing from slapping him besides the new found pearls of wisdom that made me realize that
1. I have/ had a lot of pent up anger towards Eric.
2. I have a problem with alcohol and self preservation.
3. This is not who I want to be. I don't want to be someone who thinks physical violence will solve things nor do I want to be someone who engages in that kind of primitive behavior. I am not a fighter, I am a lover. End of story... violence ( any form ) is wrong and truthfully I am ashamed at my actions.


So here it is everyone... my excavation of "why?"

I have/had pent up anger towards Eric because when I broke up with I gave the reason that, " I need to concentrate on my school work." That isn't to say that was a fabrication but it definitely wasn't the whole truth. He made me feel insignificant, like a little ant he was waiting to crush beneath his chukka boots or whatever the fuck they are called and he made me feel not good enough for the oh so godly Eric. Seriously that boy has an ego that could reach to no-man's land. But all this was never said. I remember thinking that this was an easier truth. But truthfully, in the end it wasn't any easier. I guess it's obvious that the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me Yod ( yes I purposely put Yod )is typically the way to go. So first thing I learned was the truth will set you free when you use your ability to relinquish it at the proper times. And, I learned that I never want to hit/slap anyone out of anger again just because I am too damn drunk to know any better.

Next topic. Alcohol. Blame it on the al-al-alc-alc-alcohol. I have gone to AA meetings before and truly they have never worked for me for various reasons but that could be another blog within itself so I will save my few readers from a lengthy explanation. I guess it comes down to a few things... I am not okay with myself, I drink to fit in, I drink because I want to run away from all the bad feelings that fester inside of me, I drink because I don't want to be the person not drinking, I drink because I want to be loose and free willed, I drink because I don't know what else to do. This sounds like those groups in high schools that talks about drinking.. all whiny and shit. Basically all these wants and needs can be fixed without drinking. Now, I am not everyone. There are so many people who can drink and have a grand ole' time... I am just saying that that is not me because about 9.9 out of 10 times a night of heavy drinking ends badly for me in one way or another. So what am I to do? I hate to disappoint but truly, I am not sure yet. I could go back to AA meetings but I don't want to so maybe not. I also know that if I put some thought into why I choose alcohol over self preservation, I might be able to figure my shit out. So for now I'll admit that I am unsure and don't know what to do, which for right now is totally okay.

So in continuing on, with the fact that I hadn't taken my pills for a few days (and trust me a few days makes a shit ton of difference) I wanted to comatose or get out of this world last night. All I wanted was to forget how disgusted and upset I had made myself and just fucking get away. Turn my back on it all for a measly I don't know 24 hours or 48? I started drinking, not sipping, my liquid promethesine codeine from SFSU health center... thank you... in hopes of blanking out or something of the sort. I was not, I repeat, I was not trying to commit suicide, I merely wanted to go on a vacation in paradise with no worries. Hakuna Matata :) Anywho I quickly realized that I always try to run away from my problems instead of dealing with them. I constantly think that running away will solve things, as if I was to wake up in a better, perfect world without my insignificant yet significant to me troubles. I called my savior, my mother, and she talked me down, she healed my wounds, she did what any mother should do... love me unconditionally till it hurt. Moments like these I can honestly say I am so glad that I have a relationship with both my mom and dad because too often have I seen people disconnected with their parents and I just bask in the fact that I am sooo lucky to have them by me every step of the way. I would not be able to do it without them. So I came down from my hysterics and fell asleep. Sorry there's no crazy ending but I woke up feeling just the same this morning, empty. I felt empty, so distressed from all the overwhelming aspects of life that I just couldn't even fathom a smile. But as the day went on I worked out at the gym, ate pizza, and watched glee... therefore I instantly felt better. I also felt better for another few reasons.

Today I met a girl, Lindsey, at the SFSU Student Health Center peer nutrition health clinic thingy which I need to do for one of my classes and she was my actual health advisor. Anywho, at the end of the session she commented on my tattoo of, "Love" on my wrist. She went on to explain that that is how she lost her dad. At the moment it didn't affect me like it has now.

I am one of the lucky, one of the ones who didn't succeed and maybe I am being melodramatic but more than ever there have been an increased number of suicides among young people. This is so sickening to me because I was one of those people who felt worthless, empty, ugly, lonely and I know what it is like to try and crawl your way through that dark tunnel, grasping at pebbles when you know you need to be moving mountains. I know. And to think that there is just another person that lived but didn't really get to LIVE because they were pained with something so unbearable that this life was not worth it. It makes me want to do something. Maybe educate people and give them resources because when I was in high school mental diseases affecting young peoples wasn't a concept that I could form in my mind. Will I do anything? I will.

I feel like I have explored a lot tonight but definitely not enough because I still gots a long way to go. But for anyone who is reading this I thank you for taking the time to read my psychoanalysis and probably boring account of my life of trials and tribulations.


I am me
strong
funny
sensitive and sometimes oversensitive
empowered
lovely
creative
daring
sparkling
me


also another change in my life right now... I have no feelings for any guy... I mean romantic feelings. I don't think I have ever not liked someone. But now I am free and freedom feels good.
:)