Loveless

At the end of my last post I made the comment that I don't currently like anyone romantically. For anyone who has known me for a while would take this comment as a true shock cause Molly always has a guy on the line that she is either dating, fucking, liking, or fooling around with before she jumps on her decided prey. Never has Molly not been in this high school state of mind where she is balancing boys as she tries to balance her books. I have to admit that that attitude or lifestyle kind of followed me into college (or maybe I specifically pack it in my suitcase). I was the boy obsessed girl. You could always and probably still can come to me for a good story about some guy that did this or that. It's funny because while I am not involved with anyone, my beautiful friend Madelaine is kind of seeing someone. It is only funny because it feels like we've swapped positions, the offense is now the defense and vice versa. I told Madelaine it was because guys are finally realizing what an amazing person she is because they have finally taken off their "I am a stupid douche bag high school boy" goggles to see the beauty radiates in her and all around her. I love Maddy she is one of the best people I know and to see her kind of reach towards this new happiness in her life is sweet. Does this mean people are finally taking of their goggles and realizing I am too crazy for love? I guess I just have some woes about this state I am in. I feel like I will never love, never find someone who loves me for all my bull shit and all my lovely shit. Someone who sees the flaws as beauties and the beauties as extra bonuses. I have met a lot of guys and at one point I think I thought I loved him and maybe at the time I did but now of course I don't feel that way at all. I look back and say I loved him then and now, now I realize I hardly knew him. But that's young love, right? You are so infatuated with someone that you start to believe it is love. The reason why we make this mistake is purely because of lack of experience loving a significant other (not your Mom, Dad, or dog). So maybe I am at this place now where I have experienced enough to realize that I truly don't like anyone. I have no chemistry that is enough to start a relationship with someone. I mean there was this one guy but in heart of trying to keep it a healthy, festering friendship I told him I only wanted to be friends. Yet, I find myself thinking about him and others and past lovers more and more. Why not him? "You never really gave it a chance Molly." There I go again. I think it boils down to me not wanting to be alone ( Yay! I am finally differentiating those feelings from others! ). As an individual I value my alone time a whole heck of a lot but then why do I feel this need to be talking to a guy or with a guy or liking a guy? In the end, another one bites the dust. They never seem to last long and that's why I wanted to keep my friendship with this one guy because he's a good guy and I try to tell myself that his friendship is more valuable than his dick. Truly I feel like it is either or... friendship or sex. And there is no in between for me no matter what I drunkenly tell you. I can not have friends with benefits because I, 99% of the time end up developing feelings for that someone while they feel nothing ( or some other reason, e.g. don't like me enough to do the distance ). I hate the people who can have fun and be unattached. This guy who is semi-infamous at SFSU for multiple reasons, fucks a ton of girls (don't quote me, not sure if he is still doing this) and walks away seeming to be unscathed. He walks away without attachment. He is the epitome of a friend with benefits guy if you can handle the whole, I am only having sex with you to have a good time but hey I think you're cool too. At first I hated him and now in some crazy parallel universe I look at him and wish I could have it to; that ability to walk away without getting attached and get some pleasure on top of it all. Maybe there's a secret to his madness. I don't know him well enough to even guess or ask for my own observations to add to my lab manual. But, lately as I mentioned I have been thinking why haven't I said yes to some certain guys. Then I ask myself, "Do you just like the idea of having someone?" I feel like Meg Ryan's friend in the movie, When Harry Met Sally who always believes the married man she is having an affair with will leave his wife for her. I feel like I am always constantly grabbing out into the sea of men (hahahha ... you get it ?) to grab my next victim (I am sure some of my exes would explain it that way). Maybe it's biology, our need for companionship, a mate to reproduce with. I don't know. I don't know how to separate biology from what I really want and need. I feel loveless. I feel like I am going to end up alone with a bunch of dogs in a big house being successful, single and fun loving (sounds nice doesn't it?) OR alone in a small janky apartment in a sketch neighborhood with a bottle of wine in my bag and a can of mace in hand (always be prepared) while watching reruns of I love Lucy. Some of the most undesirable people find love, their soul mates. Am I that undesirable that I can't hold a relationship for more than 3 months? Yes I do have self esteem issues very much. And as RuPaul quoted at an end of an episode of RuPaul's Drage Race, "If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?" Ahh so true skinny man with big wig and penciled in eyebrows. Truly, drag queens are kind of amazing when you think about it, or at least I think so. So here I am, sitting alone (because I choose to be) thinking about how I could possibly ever find the true love, the one that everybody talks about, the ones that you read about in books and watch in movies, in my future. Who needs a husband anyways? Will I or won't I? Does it really matter?

Sorry, this is more of a bitch/rant/moan than my other posts are even though I think every post has a tad bit of self pity in it.


I feel better but now all I want is chocolate. No love just chocolate.