dutch.. who cares much? I do.

Why do I wait patiently for the witching hour in which we will talk? Why do I sacrifice sleep to read the words you type to me? Why do I care enough for you? You are some person I don’t know, the only things I know of you are what you present. You could be a rapist, gang banger, druggie, pedophile, but somehow I trust you. Is it ignorance. Then I am sure it’s true that ignorance is bliss. You could disappear in a second and then I would never hear another word from you. I would be crushed. Why would someone be crushed over someone she hardly knows? Because I think I know you, I think you have shared special moments with me, and that we have some sort of connection. That is why I do all of this pathetic nonsense. I debate with myself whether it is pathetic and a waste of time or if I am truly creating something worthwhile. What’s worth while when everything eventually dies. I am trying to be realistic yet I can’t be because I so want to believe in my own fairy tale ending. But the chances of that glass slipper being slipped onto my foot by you is 99.9% unlikely. Why waste my beauty sleep over you? See here I try and justify why it’s ok to wait for something that will never come while also telling myself I am stupid for even continuing to talk to someone extremely, extensively unavailable. Someone I knew used to say, “I love you more than the sun loves the flowers.” So could I say I love you more than I even know? Why indulge yourself in something you cannot have, it brings only disappointment if you’re me. If you’re a sensible person you would realize that it is not possible and that ‘you and him’ do not exist. And no matter how cute his face is when he pacifies your cynical views with his dutch sweet talk, it comes down to me being fucking stupid. Me being attached, me being let down by my own whatever. So the resolution would be to buck up and let go. Yet the very thing I continuously yearn for is a connection and now it is visible that I will go across the internet and the Atlantic to find it. But ‘it’ cannot and does not exist over the internet right? And by the time I would actually meet him he would be taken and long gone. So with everything against this what keeps me lingering on? Is it my desperate attempt for some connection or really do we have some miniscule spark that somehow can be felt through cox cable connection. Idealistic and unrealistic is what you are. And me, I can’t say what I am anymore. This whole thing confuses me.