A disastrous disaster that only makes the world fatter

^ the above title really isn't a reflection of what this blog is about...but it rhymed and I think maybe in some odd way it works

So a disaster erupted on behalf of a bottle of wine and my cooped up, malicious anger. I had made a promise to turn off my phone when drinking well last night I didn't. In the movie Knocked Up, Seth Rogen says "you know how they say never drink and drive, well never drink and bone." That always makes me laugh but I am here to say don't drink and text. I was angry last night maybe not even truly angry about one thing but actually angry at the situation, angry at myself, possibly even angry from the insight in what I was about to do. I made a mistake. I actually became exactly like a person that I now hate. To give some background to who I am referring to and what, last year my friend "broke up" with me also known as stopped being my friend abruptly. She followed with nasty, disgusting, mean, malicious, vicious, heart breaking texts that truly shook me up. I couldn't believe she could be so down right mean to me. I couldn't process it. To most (95%0 of the texts I didn't respond, I didn't even bother with her immaturity. I felt better for not responding too. And last night I really turned into the green goblin. I was angry about a current situation not necessarily the person but I went on sending accusatory texts to this person. The were horrible just how my past friend's texts' were to me. I literally had no inhibition and wanted to tear him down to my level, make him feel pain or something. As soon as I had the taste of being evil sizzling in my mouth I ran with it. It's like coke, it tingles in your mouth like fairy dust landing on each individual taste bud and then you have to have more, you stretch to every limit to get more. It was sick what I was doing, tearing someone down to build myself back up. And it was like I had transformed into this villain, this evil person because really I don't think that's who I am. I was surprised in the morning to find I had said everything I had said. Alcohol is clearly not my friend. Bent over with sickness I couldn't believe I would stoop so low, lower than low, negative low. I tried to apologize to this person and explain that I was on a power high and basically had all these feelings built up which consequently, last night, exploded. I told this person I meant everything I said but no one deserves to be talked to like that. I originally tried to call him to apologize but then when I couldn't reach him I sent a text. He furthered it by telling me all the stuff I knew that was wrong. He said I had no right to say those things and how he didn't want to be friends with me if I really got that mad about stuff. When this situation happened to me, except I was in his place I forgive the person who wronged me. I knew I would never be this persons friend again but I forgave her none the less. Maybe it's pathetic but in the end I realized that I was out of line even if in the situation we both made mistakes. When he responded to my vile text message he made me feel guilty, or you could say I allowed myself to feel guilty because I knew I was wrong( My thoughts have always been that no one can make you feel guilty except yourself). So there I was after being a criminal of humanity I was asking for a second chance. Balls in your court, do with it what you will. I wanted to start over from scratch because from the start I went about it the wrong way ( even though I say "I" I do believe the situational problem was his fault but I cannot talk for him to say if he agrees so for now I will use only "I"). I did what I always did and put the cart before the horse, I got in deep and was intoxicated with it. In this situation I had accepted other peoples judgement upon him instead of making my own. With a re-do I would rather get to know him and truly end up hating his guts rather than just go off what people told me. All along while we were uhmm friends or whatever I kept hope that he wasn't what everyone made him out to be. I have been in a place where people have judged me wrongly based on the gossip from haters mouths'. I don't think he wants to try again to be friends and really I don't think I would if I were him. I am a good person, I know that but it doesn't mean that I don't make mistakes. This was my mistake or learning experience that I can add to my list. But, truly I have made this same mistake before. And to say I fucked that up too is on point but somehow I redeemed myself in the end. This is all because I am a good person who makes mistakes. I will make sure this is the last time I ever make this mistake. So lesson for anyone reading this is speak from your heart, try to understand others instead of just yourself, never drink and text when angry, forgive and give second chances when needed. Who knows what he will choose to do. One can only hope for forgiveness.

sexy time

Well I am on a blogging road rage here. I am just documenting short thoughts as they come. With my wealthy experience with mean I have learned that no guy between the ages of 18-28 wants anything from you but SEX. SEX, SEX, SEX. Of course sex is great, fun, amazing, orgasmic, blah blah blah. Though some seem to think you can base a whole relationship on this tasty, succulent act of physical sometimes emotional love. I mean if you send naked pictures any guy and every guy is totally down... down to talk, down to text, down to fuck and then forget you totally exist. And really, personally I should've known better. And let me just say that it's not all the men, women are of course just like this but since my experience is with men I shall talk about them. In these situations girls know what they can get if they show a little skin... whether it's a one night stand or a sexy, revealing picture in return. I know that people with intentions to start a relationship are out there. And I know that people who don't want to start a relationship are focused on only sex. I guess what bothers me is that I, or some people have to use sex to get a guys attention and maybe that means I have a shitty personality ( so much that people would rather see my tits than actually have a conversation with me). When I say conversation I am talking about a 2 way discussion, not a "hi" and "bye" convo. Also if you actually want to make a person feel like you want to get to know them then you should probably ask them questions when you talk to them like " what's your favorite animal" or "what are your plans for tonight." Maybe I am being a bit pretentious here, and YES I bring this discontent upon myself but I have experienced both. That both being happiness when someone truly tries to get to know me and being upset when people would rather grovel over my body. There are decent guys out there, I see them and know them but I am so turned of by the possibility of everything being about sex that I am taking some days off from trying. In this case maybe I try too hard.

No means no

Sometime I wonder why they don't get it. No means, no. How hard is it to understand, "I don't speak no other language." I tell you, "no I don't want to drink." "No I don't want to have sex with you." "No you're truly a mean bastard." And even in times that you're incapacitated and cannot say verbally no, you think your malicious body language or even your shy pull away from the situation would be a fucking clue. Yet they are persistent. Never ending always persistent. But then again I look at myself and say "Molly, you're a full fledged hypocrite." When people tell me no I think I am persistent to a certain point and then eventually I get the picture (even if I am still emotionally persistent). In a certain situation , I , myself have been persistent. Always buying for attention. My roommate said something interesting to me today, "Maybe you're chasing cause he is running." I laughed and then had the dissatisfied expression of "fuck , you're right." So in this situation of no means no I am going to take my own advice.

What's the point?

What's the point of this blog for me? Honestly why would I even put something online that nobody reads and nobody follows. I was looking at some so called "noteworthy" blogs and I liked a few of them and then others were in my opinion just stupid or weird. Maybe I am not getting their point or whatever and maybe I am being a cocky bastard assuming that my blog is actually interesting. But I do think that some things I say are interesting. But who am I writing this for? Myself possibly? Maybe I can say I am documenting shit that one day I'll read and remember in my old age. Then again maybe not. Maybe this blog will eventually be covered with more dust than it already has.

sweet dreams are made of this.

Have you ever had an improbable fantasy, not a dream but something your mind craved, something that kept it driving onward? That fantasy was almost quenching a thirst you've had for quite some time because it has been what you dream of but it was not a dream because dreams do come true. Dreams are reachable, fantasies never come true. Yet you believe in your fantasies because they seem good, sometimes better than you could dream because they were thought up with the mind not the heart. And when the heart is not in play, it has no say, things all of a sudden become simpler. But when the fantasies fall like stars from the sky, skyrocketing out of the atmosphere, it burns a whole in your heart. Something so logical had to work, or at least you thought for sure it would. But of course it was only a fantasy, a fool hardy thought that was selfish and indulgent about things that can never happen. Dreams are pure, fantasies are not. If I could, I would stop myself from having any fantasies spewing, smoldering, brewing in my head. All they bring is empty wondering of why it did not, why could not it have worked. Your world won't come crashing down yet because sweet dreams are made of this.

life?

I have been running, always, never a moment when I haven't been running to get away
to lose myself in the journey
and never look back
and you know what? it has never once worked for me
The runnin has brought me nowhere but to where I've always been
depressed, alone, searing for a spec of connection
In my times of running I have stumbled upon good moments and bad moments, each keeping me running
but you can't run forever kid, you can try but you won't survive
I've been running from myself, the pain, the pity, even the great things because I'd rather sit in the rain than enjoy the sunshine bliss
But I think I have started to realize that I am me and life just is.
I am funny because Maddy laughs at my jokes
I am creative with my art whether its painting or creating a tea party hat
I am loved by so many amazing people from my parents to my rat
and I know I am hated by people too
I have a chemical imbalance in my brain causing me to want to cut myself to stop from being numb
Yet I am beautiful because my brown not so ordinary blue eyes and my cupid bow lips plus don't forget my porcelain skin
I am active when I want to lose weight or reap the pleasure of endorphins
I am defeatist because I feel I don't deserve any of it
I use sex , drugs, alcohol to connect
I'll smoke a blunt to forget why I began
I'll cry for the beauty of the world and also for the pain it brings
I will walk to the trails walked by many but I wont forget to smell the golden perfume of every flower I pass
I will tear up my poems calling them worthless shit
I will say I'm not good enough because after desperate pleas you still don't want me
I will bark and meow randomly because its stupid yet it makes me smile
I will cower when people say something I don't agree with because all I want to do is fit in
I will wait till 5am to talk to someone 8,000 miles away because he is a good person
I will do jumping jacks in throton hall for a bio lab and feel my boobs going up and down
I will wish I had a melodic voice like Judy Garland
I will finger paint on a fresh canvas because the paint feels slimy an silky at the same time
I will walk out into the rain so that I can cry without anyone being the wiser
I will be creeped out by the guy who eyefucks me on the airplane then tells me about his kids
I will always say it feels like summer when I smell the barbeque grill smoke in the wind
I will hate that marine forever and never forgive
I will reread harry potter again and again till my fingers can't turn the page from 704 to 705
I will wear my fishnet knee highs proudly in the middle of the day
I will cross my fingers in hope of an "A" on the test and then get a "C" wondering why I never studied
I will rejoice in finding the necklace I lost two months ago
I will fall to sleep while listening to a math lecture
But what I've learned is that it is all about me
I...
I can see life as it is, a great and terrible beauty
while I cry about it and be depressed
But I wont because life just is.
If life is dealing you shitty cards you up the anty because you believe you can win or at least hope you can
If you are already holding 5 million dollars in chips you keeping betting high for the chance that you will win or lose it all
Because life aint easy, never has been, never will be
But by some miracle you're in it
you're alive and god damn me if that is not enough reason to smile
So, maybe you lost your home
your boyfriend left you
and your life is so shitty that your pointer finger is on the trigger trembling
ready to end it and go to easy street
but wait
you have free will
free will to make the best or worst of this situation
and though death may be a easy, selfish, blissful idea
it's a waste to even think about it
Because life is what you make it
and though there may be things that you will never be able to change
you deal with the cards in your hand.
It all comes down to me
to you
and nobody else
So stop running kid, life will catch up to you and remind you that things are shit
but it's not worth it to give up and give in
life is meant to be lived

dutch.. who cares much? I do.

Why do I wait patiently for the witching hour in which we will talk? Why do I sacrifice sleep to read the words you type to me? Why do I care enough for you? You are some person I don’t know, the only things I know of you are what you present. You could be a rapist, gang banger, druggie, pedophile, but somehow I trust you. Is it ignorance. Then I am sure it’s true that ignorance is bliss. You could disappear in a second and then I would never hear another word from you. I would be crushed. Why would someone be crushed over someone she hardly knows? Because I think I know you, I think you have shared special moments with me, and that we have some sort of connection. That is why I do all of this pathetic nonsense. I debate with myself whether it is pathetic and a waste of time or if I am truly creating something worthwhile. What’s worth while when everything eventually dies. I am trying to be realistic yet I can’t be because I so want to believe in my own fairy tale ending. But the chances of that glass slipper being slipped onto my foot by you is 99.9% unlikely. Why waste my beauty sleep over you? See here I try and justify why it’s ok to wait for something that will never come while also telling myself I am stupid for even continuing to talk to someone extremely, extensively unavailable. Someone I knew used to say, “I love you more than the sun loves the flowers.” So could I say I love you more than I even know? Why indulge yourself in something you cannot have, it brings only disappointment if you’re me. If you’re a sensible person you would realize that it is not possible and that ‘you and him’ do not exist. And no matter how cute his face is when he pacifies your cynical views with his dutch sweet talk, it comes down to me being fucking stupid. Me being attached, me being let down by my own whatever. So the resolution would be to buck up and let go. Yet the very thing I continuously yearn for is a connection and now it is visible that I will go across the internet and the Atlantic to find it. But ‘it’ cannot and does not exist over the internet right? And by the time I would actually meet him he would be taken and long gone. So with everything against this what keeps me lingering on? Is it my desperate attempt for some connection or really do we have some miniscule spark that somehow can be felt through cox cable connection. Idealistic and unrealistic is what you are. And me, I can’t say what I am anymore. This whole thing confuses me.