Recently I've become accustomed to writing electronically on this blog or in a word document instead of in my journal or in a notebook and it is ridiculous because I feel like I am cheating writing. I am an unorthodox writer which is no big deal because nowadays most people use computers to write everything from blog post to work write ups on a computer. Nobody worries about that paper and pen shit anymore. Plus this is eco-friendly YAY! I don't care about trees, really I would just like to be able to pick up a goddamn pen and write in my journal like I used to instead of coming to this screen. I feel like an untrue writer or something.
30 minute time limit to say all I want to say. GO!
Alright I have gotten over the idea, the concept, the fantasy of me ever finding a cool guy in my life whether he be a friend or more than a friend. And until recently I had been staying away from all of them. I was free of men and their misgivings. Hallelujah.
And now I have opened a can of worms or more like a can of wasps ( a little more intimidating ). Why did I crack open this can of wasps with my bare teeth like a hillbilly? I felt attracted to someone and I thought he seemed attracted to me too and, well, I am experienced enough to know how to get some of what I want and of course so inexperienced that I get another bit of what I don't want. I guess you could say that thought though 382 miles are separating us I found a way to increase his likeness for me but of course it came with a catch. I think I must be an idiot or have a curse or something. Anywho, I got what I wanted but I suppose not in the fashion I wanted it. I'm saving the gory details for something not so public like my journal ( that's if I can actually pick it up and write in it ). And to make everything amplified like Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World ( love that movie! ) another girl comes into the picture, a friend. By the way this is in no way referencing to a ménage à trois. So now I am struggling with the whole friend situation because she talks to me like she already knows she is getting some from him the next time she sees him. And she is planning on seeing him. So, where does that leave me? Nowhere, because I never expected nor do I expect this whatever to go anywhere mainly because we are both so far away... maybe if I was back in the bay it would be different. It was always just fun and butterflies and cake and boxing... carefree talking with him. But now a part of me that likes being admired and complimented by him wants to make sure I don't get hurt if he fucks my friend. I've been the girl who gets to find out the guy she likes fucked her best friend... one of the shittiest feelings: Like an uppercut you are not fucking expecting. But I don't want to ask him or say anything to him because it is too much drama and I don't want it to seem like I am trying to control what he does. Go ahead fuck her, I am all for it... just don't tag me along to watch.
And now that I post this I am going to have to say something just in the case that someone reads this shit... though nobody actually does.
goodnight
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Thursday, June 23, 2011
womanly womaness
Today was full of yelling, arguing, cursing, many decisions, and stupid head boys.
For film class we had to come up with a page and half narrative in script format, choose the best script then write a storyboard for the best script.
My script wasn't the best which was fine. So, we picked someone else's.
My storyboard was the best but we picked someone else's.
I didn't vote for my own because I read that you are never supposed to vote for your own and I didn't want to be the black sheep causing trouble. But, honestly my storyboard was the best. Now regardless of whether it was or wasn't the best doesn't matter... it is all about the execution. When my storyboard wasn't picked I went into the situation with a smiling face, good attitude and open arms. And then all of a sudden I start suggesting stuff once our lights go up and no one is listening, it was like they changed the channel on their radios just to tune me out. Plus during the shoot they mention my cleavage and how it could get us extra points in our project... fucking obnoxious pigs. I knew my tits were hanging out but there was nothing I could do since I was wearing a low cut shirt while having to look for fake contact lenses. The directing was shit. The shots were shit. Execution of it all was shit. I seriously wanted to choke the director with a weasel and pull out all my hair and then shoot out my brains and have them all clean up the mess with only their tongues. Crude, I know.
I was the talent in the script. Since the script had a girl originally and I was the only girl in our group I felt like they eliminated mine first off because they didn't want to have to rework the script or they just didn't want two guys playing the roles. I don't know. All I do know is never in my life have I felt so belittled between these three guys though I know they weren't doing it on purpose. Maybe it was all instinctual like they were trained to be superior over me. I have talked with a friend before about women in the film business and how they can at times can be overlooked because there aren't many of them and it just makes me think... should I have spoken up about my storyboard in the beginning? What should I have done?
For film class we had to come up with a page and half narrative in script format, choose the best script then write a storyboard for the best script.
My script wasn't the best which was fine. So, we picked someone else's.
My storyboard was the best but we picked someone else's.
I didn't vote for my own because I read that you are never supposed to vote for your own and I didn't want to be the black sheep causing trouble. But, honestly my storyboard was the best. Now regardless of whether it was or wasn't the best doesn't matter... it is all about the execution. When my storyboard wasn't picked I went into the situation with a smiling face, good attitude and open arms. And then all of a sudden I start suggesting stuff once our lights go up and no one is listening, it was like they changed the channel on their radios just to tune me out. Plus during the shoot they mention my cleavage and how it could get us extra points in our project... fucking obnoxious pigs. I knew my tits were hanging out but there was nothing I could do since I was wearing a low cut shirt while having to look for fake contact lenses. The directing was shit. The shots were shit. Execution of it all was shit. I seriously wanted to choke the director with a weasel and pull out all my hair and then shoot out my brains and have them all clean up the mess with only their tongues. Crude, I know.
I was the talent in the script. Since the script had a girl originally and I was the only girl in our group I felt like they eliminated mine first off because they didn't want to have to rework the script or they just didn't want two guys playing the roles. I don't know. All I do know is never in my life have I felt so belittled between these three guys though I know they weren't doing it on purpose. Maybe it was all instinctual like they were trained to be superior over me. I have talked with a friend before about women in the film business and how they can at times can be overlooked because there aren't many of them and it just makes me think... should I have spoken up about my storyboard in the beginning? What should I have done?
Sunday, June 19, 2011
A week of disappointing news.
This week, this month, has been overloaded with disappointing news and it has within the past 48 hours only gotten worse.
It is odd because just a month ago I felt on top of the world with an internship in hand, a job landed and dreams that needed to be tended to. Here I am now upset, devastated, distraught, discouraged and all together just ready to give up. For fuck sake I haven't really created anything in so long.
I feel empty like a tomb.
No ideas.
No hope.
No vacancy
No time.
I found out that my best friends mom, who I consider my second mom, most likely had her hip broken by a tumor. About 5 years ago she was diagnosed with GBM, a very debilitating type of brain cancer. This tumor or mass in her hip is not the GBM but as a result of her chemo and radiation treatments for her GBM it has made her more susceptible to getting cancer. And now after all this time of happiness and good health she is back in the hospital, in pain, possibly with more cancer.
My other second mom was diagnosed with breast cancer a month ago and had a double mastectomy. She had to have reconstructive surgery and does not have any feeling in her new breasts. We found out their dog died today. I loved Radar. As if the breast cancer wasn't enough.
Cancer took my grandfather away from me a year ago in May.
Cancer. Cancer. Cancer.
Death. Death. Death.
It has been a constant fucking reminder like a bird chirping in my ear saying, "life is not everlasting," or "life isn't fair."
I want to squish that fucking bird.
I remember when my grammie got breast cancer. I was young when it happened and at that point, to me it didn't even seem that prevalent (probably because my young age). And now it seems like no matter what age you are, you are at risk of getting cancer.
All I can think about is when will I have to endure another death in my family like my grandfathers because though not blood related both those women are just as close to me as any relative. I think of how I will react when I get the news or where I will be. I know...morbid. But I figured out this is how I brace myself for the reality of the situation. This is how I prepare myself for the worst. I find it nearly impossible at times to think positive because I don't believe in miracles, I don't believe God is listening to my good thoughts, I don't believe that I can do anything to help. But it is funny because I find that a positive attitude is key to getting through most things, even illnesses, not because it has magical powers but because of its biological powers. Somehow I find cancer so deafening to life that any positiveness is just drowned out immediately, regardless.
And to add to it all I have been so busy and out of sync that I haven't been writing, painting, or photographing anything. I made a schedule hoping to get on track with this creative stuff. I am going to try and turn my negatives into positives. I am going to try and workout too.
But mostly in all this pain and sadness, I feel alone. I wish there were people outside to comfort me or to tell me it will all be okay.
It is odd because just a month ago I felt on top of the world with an internship in hand, a job landed and dreams that needed to be tended to. Here I am now upset, devastated, distraught, discouraged and all together just ready to give up. For fuck sake I haven't really created anything in so long.
I feel empty like a tomb.
No ideas.
No hope.
No vacancy
No time.
I found out that my best friends mom, who I consider my second mom, most likely had her hip broken by a tumor. About 5 years ago she was diagnosed with GBM, a very debilitating type of brain cancer. This tumor or mass in her hip is not the GBM but as a result of her chemo and radiation treatments for her GBM it has made her more susceptible to getting cancer. And now after all this time of happiness and good health she is back in the hospital, in pain, possibly with more cancer.
My other second mom was diagnosed with breast cancer a month ago and had a double mastectomy. She had to have reconstructive surgery and does not have any feeling in her new breasts. We found out their dog died today. I loved Radar. As if the breast cancer wasn't enough.
Cancer took my grandfather away from me a year ago in May.
Cancer. Cancer. Cancer.
Death. Death. Death.
It has been a constant fucking reminder like a bird chirping in my ear saying, "life is not everlasting," or "life isn't fair."
I want to squish that fucking bird.
I remember when my grammie got breast cancer. I was young when it happened and at that point, to me it didn't even seem that prevalent (probably because my young age). And now it seems like no matter what age you are, you are at risk of getting cancer.
All I can think about is when will I have to endure another death in my family like my grandfathers because though not blood related both those women are just as close to me as any relative. I think of how I will react when I get the news or where I will be. I know...morbid. But I figured out this is how I brace myself for the reality of the situation. This is how I prepare myself for the worst. I find it nearly impossible at times to think positive because I don't believe in miracles, I don't believe God is listening to my good thoughts, I don't believe that I can do anything to help. But it is funny because I find that a positive attitude is key to getting through most things, even illnesses, not because it has magical powers but because of its biological powers. Somehow I find cancer so deafening to life that any positiveness is just drowned out immediately, regardless.
And to add to it all I have been so busy and out of sync that I haven't been writing, painting, or photographing anything. I made a schedule hoping to get on track with this creative stuff. I am going to try and turn my negatives into positives. I am going to try and workout too.
But mostly in all this pain and sadness, I feel alone. I wish there were people outside to comfort me or to tell me it will all be okay.
Monday, May 16, 2011
The start of an end.
Here I am and it's almost the end. I have two more finals to go and then I leave San Francisco on Sunday. It will be the end of a journey and yet the starting of a new one. One right after the other. I have to say I haven't been this excited since I knew I was coming to San Francisco in the first place for college and now I am so freaking elated to be leaving. Don't get me wrong, San Francisco has taught me so much, things that I would have never experienced and learned if I would have stayed in Mission Viejo. San Francisco is alive in beauty, culture, life and just spectacularness! I will miss San Francisco but I have to leave, it's that gut feeling that's confirming that I am right and that this decision is right for me. A part of me will stay here buried deep somewhere, probably in Stern Grove :)
Over the past few weeks I have been reading The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion which is about the year leading up to her husband's death and the time she spends grieving afterwards. I decided to read it after I saw Michelle Williams talking about it and how she read it after Heath Ledger's death. My grandpa passed away last year and it was a dark time for a while.
Joan Didion's novel is poignant mainly because of her cyclic, somewhat drawn out, first hand account of her husband's death. I say cyclic because the book can get very boring and repetitive at times for someone who has never experienced the loss of someone close to them. For those who have experienced that kind of loss you are able to understand and go through the motions with her.
That is what it feels like when someone like that passes, time starts going on without you. You stay stagnant in your grief while life just passes you by. You can't seem to get yourself out of bed, yet the world goes on, the sun still rises and falls without you.
Didion repeats in her mind the phrase, And then--gone.
This happened, that happened and then gone. Things can go prematurely with no warning, some things die slowly, both are considerably painful but the most painful is the fact that everything dies, everything goes. The fact of life, the circle of life, but fortunately yet maybe unfortunately we never know when.
And then--gone.
My point is I don't want to waste anymore time trying to be something or someone I am not. I am now in attempts to try and take on film, cinema, screenwriting and it's not going to be easy. Nothing ever is easy. I know I have a lot of passion and I know I can do it and make it amazing whether given the chance or not. I am just a bit nervous because I have seen friends put so much work/passion/drive into something and still fail. I know failure is part of the game and that you have to keep going, keep trying and pushing. I don't want to forget all this and hopefully I won't especially since this is where the fire live, the passion, the monster :)
plus you never know when
And then--gone.
That's why you must live the way you want to live everyday. Make the most of it.
Over the past few weeks I have been reading The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion which is about the year leading up to her husband's death and the time she spends grieving afterwards. I decided to read it after I saw Michelle Williams talking about it and how she read it after Heath Ledger's death. My grandpa passed away last year and it was a dark time for a while.
Joan Didion's novel is poignant mainly because of her cyclic, somewhat drawn out, first hand account of her husband's death. I say cyclic because the book can get very boring and repetitive at times for someone who has never experienced the loss of someone close to them. For those who have experienced that kind of loss you are able to understand and go through the motions with her.
That is what it feels like when someone like that passes, time starts going on without you. You stay stagnant in your grief while life just passes you by. You can't seem to get yourself out of bed, yet the world goes on, the sun still rises and falls without you.
Didion repeats in her mind the phrase, And then--gone.
This happened, that happened and then gone. Things can go prematurely with no warning, some things die slowly, both are considerably painful but the most painful is the fact that everything dies, everything goes. The fact of life, the circle of life, but fortunately yet maybe unfortunately we never know when.
And then--gone.
My point is I don't want to waste anymore time trying to be something or someone I am not. I am now in attempts to try and take on film, cinema, screenwriting and it's not going to be easy. Nothing ever is easy. I know I have a lot of passion and I know I can do it and make it amazing whether given the chance or not. I am just a bit nervous because I have seen friends put so much work/passion/drive into something and still fail. I know failure is part of the game and that you have to keep going, keep trying and pushing. I don't want to forget all this and hopefully I won't especially since this is where the fire live, the passion, the monster :)
plus you never know when
And then--gone.
That's why you must live the way you want to live everyday. Make the most of it.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Stigma
They will never know us,
never understand us.
Are we the chosen or the damned?
The ones who know the blood of these waters and the cuts of the land
Times like this we are the damned.
Yet we know the beauty, destruction, misery and creation.
We were chosen to bear the weight of man,
am I the chosen or am I the damned?
We see what you will never see
burnt and sealed, we are the damned.
never understand us.
Are we the chosen or the damned?
The ones who know the blood of these waters and the cuts of the land
Times like this we are the damned.
Yet we know the beauty, destruction, misery and creation.
We were chosen to bear the weight of man,
am I the chosen or am I the damned?
We see what you will never see
burnt and sealed, we are the damned.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Loss
Thank you Aisha and Casey for the helpful words of support and wisdom, the thoughts in this blog were inspired by what you two said :)
He said parting words. The few sentences were abstract, stupid, empty, thoughtless words that you would say to a stranger. I gasped for air.
I had lost.
For once I did not escape the repercussions of my actions. After every god damn mistake I have made never have I made one like this because never before have I hurt someone I have cared so deeply for. I have always hurt myself or just someone in passing that I could live without but now it is different, I hurt someone I love. When you hurt yourself or make a mistake you can forgive or beat yourself up for a while and then get over it. When you hurt someone else you apologize and well that's all and even time can't heal everything.
My throat started to close like I had some affliction or disease come on suddenly. My heart, an abstract curved shape of an anatomical organ stuttered for a beat. It broke for a second. I felt a piece of it fade into the abyss of my surrounding body. Forget me. Forget me. Then the tears welled and tried to distract me from the ache in my chest and maybe their purpose was to even heal the sting; the phoenix tears of humanity. They were a physical reminder of what was actually happening... loss, mistakes, regret. People say live life without regrets. I say regret yet learn and move forward. I have lost something special but from it I hope to learn and though that's no replacement for what is now gone at least it's comfort of progress.
Life can suck. Today sucked. I lost you, my best friend up here. There's no excuse for my actions and that's why my simple apology and maybe the thought that you know I have gained insight from this will not suffice nor make things better but I suppose leave things better than I left them on Saturday. Love you Rashady.
Let it be.
He said parting words. The few sentences were abstract, stupid, empty, thoughtless words that you would say to a stranger. I gasped for air.
I had lost.
For once I did not escape the repercussions of my actions. After every god damn mistake I have made never have I made one like this because never before have I hurt someone I have cared so deeply for. I have always hurt myself or just someone in passing that I could live without but now it is different, I hurt someone I love. When you hurt yourself or make a mistake you can forgive or beat yourself up for a while and then get over it. When you hurt someone else you apologize and well that's all and even time can't heal everything.
My throat started to close like I had some affliction or disease come on suddenly. My heart, an abstract curved shape of an anatomical organ stuttered for a beat. It broke for a second. I felt a piece of it fade into the abyss of my surrounding body. Forget me. Forget me. Then the tears welled and tried to distract me from the ache in my chest and maybe their purpose was to even heal the sting; the phoenix tears of humanity. They were a physical reminder of what was actually happening... loss, mistakes, regret. People say live life without regrets. I say regret yet learn and move forward. I have lost something special but from it I hope to learn and though that's no replacement for what is now gone at least it's comfort of progress.
Life can suck. Today sucked. I lost you, my best friend up here. There's no excuse for my actions and that's why my simple apology and maybe the thought that you know I have gained insight from this will not suffice nor make things better but I suppose leave things better than I left them on Saturday. Love you Rashady.
Let it be.
Messiness
A part of me wants to disconnect all of this... the facebook, the twitter, the iphone, the iphone apps, the texts, the email, all of it. Let me live this solitude. It's funny because times like this when I feel incredibly alone, all this fucking technology surrounds me and yet I feel I can't communicate properly with anyone. Oh the irony. So if I am going to be lonely then let me really be alone because all these fake little vessels of communication just complicate shit. You want me, then call me or write me a god damn letter. But then again this is how the 21st century communicates and networks with each other. It's how one gets on top. I want to be on top.
It's just one of those moments where I feel like I could be atop a mountain screaming, vibrating my vocal chords till breakage and still no one would hear. Why? People got their own shit going on and my shit is not as important and rightfully so because truthfully it's stuff that will be tomorrows joke.
I just keep messing everything up. Trial, error. Trial, error. I am tired of being a shameful sham homewrecking mam and see I was doing so well and now I am back in the barracks again.
You ever just want to reach out to someone you don't know? They seem so ideal... they don't really know you, don't know your past, don't know your present nor future.. they are just there with you unattached yet attached in a way that is healthily unbinding.
I don't know maybe this is just an accumulation of everything but I am basically sick and tired of everyone. I'd rip them all out on this blog here but I've learned better. But maybe I'm the one who needs a good slap in the face, you know a good, "hey look at yourself in the mirror bitch." I don't know. All I can say is that this post is pathetically stupid.
by the way.. lover boy.. darren criss... can't really sing.. well
sad day
:(
It's just one of those moments where I feel like I could be atop a mountain screaming, vibrating my vocal chords till breakage and still no one would hear. Why? People got their own shit going on and my shit is not as important and rightfully so because truthfully it's stuff that will be tomorrows joke.
I just keep messing everything up. Trial, error. Trial, error. I am tired of being a shameful sham homewrecking mam and see I was doing so well and now I am back in the barracks again.
You ever just want to reach out to someone you don't know? They seem so ideal... they don't really know you, don't know your past, don't know your present nor future.. they are just there with you unattached yet attached in a way that is healthily unbinding.
I don't know maybe this is just an accumulation of everything but I am basically sick and tired of everyone. I'd rip them all out on this blog here but I've learned better. But maybe I'm the one who needs a good slap in the face, you know a good, "hey look at yourself in the mirror bitch." I don't know. All I can say is that this post is pathetically stupid.
by the way.. lover boy.. darren criss... can't really sing.. well
sad day
:(
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