Things right now aren't ideal, yet I am still happy. I am happy because I have come to terms with things, I have abandoned my anxiety about everything going wrong and thrown it out the window. It's easy to know when you're making the right decision. If you have the slightest stomach ache about something in your life then you probably need to take an extra second and consider things. I have done exactly that and now I feel so much better about what lays ahead. Yes, I have my manic ups and downs but this feeling is becoming a bit more permanent by each minute that ticks away.
I look out at my window and attempt to place the images in my mind, in certain nooks and crannies, in hopes that they will stay and not fade away because right now I am almost 90% sure that I am not coming back to SF state next year. My two friends Jessica and Jenn had decided to leave SF state and when they told me I really couldn't understand. Of course everyone has their own reasons, but still I thought they were cowards for leaving (sorry guys keep reading, I love you so much) and now I understand why they left. I love San Francisco, I love how when it rains downtown the lights reflect off the street puddles, I love the tall buildings, I love the places that don't card, I love all the parades and events that seriously go on about every weekend, I love the people in SF, I love the culture, I love all the museums, I love how the rain still makes it green even though it's a metropolitan city, I love San Francisco and I will miss it once I am gone. I might come back, who knows. Anywho, I realized that I don't see myself here next year,I don't see myself trying to pretend that this is where I want or need to be. I came to SF state as a biology major with hopes of one day going to medical school and now I am so utterly confused about what I am even doing with my life. And everyone keeps telling me that not knowing is totally, okay. But, being a person who loves control and who loves to try and control the things that are uncontrollable, the future/unknown freaks me out. I only get to go to college once and I have experienced a tiny bit of college and now I realize I need to go back to the drawing boards so that I can figure my shit out. San Francisco is an expensive city in all aspects and because of lack of money and my own transportation it stops me from doing some of the things I would like to do. You may say these are just excuses, and maybe you're right but I will call them my reasons. I see people at SF state who balance a full time job, 16 units and fun times. I wish I could be like that, and I can because when I have a clear state of mind I can multitask and get my shit done. Basically by going home I will be saving my parents money, I can volunteer at the J.F. Shea Center, I can get a job and baby, I can drive my car. My brother said, "Molly, you can do those things up here too." But truly I can't. I have so many dreams and ambitions but I am just unsure where my path lies. I want to volunteer at the Santa Ana Hospital which has the biggest trauma center in California (I am almost sure) so I can get experience in a hospital setting to see if pre-med is what I really want to devote my time to. I can't do this during the summer because of time constraints. I could volunteer at UCSF but it takes muni bucks and time that I don't have. Driving really does cut down the time compared to the muni when going to some places. I want to volunteer at the J.F. Shea Center more and see if hippotherapy is something that I could replicate in a future program that is similar to the Shea Center (look up J.F. Shea Center...quite amazing). I also want to start a program in Capo Unified School District that gives kids the knowledge about mental health disorders and the resources to get help with them. I want to work at Family Member Veterinary Hospital or another vet hospital in the area as a technicians assistant to see if veterinary medicine would be something I would want to also do. I also want to start creating short films/stop motion films/take film production classes/animation classes. I have many passions (helping people, horses, art, mental health disorders, animals, film, etc.) And truly if I go home I believe I will be able to get some experience in all these fields and have a better clue about what who I am and what I want to do. I have gotten some guidance from friends and they say do what you need to do, don't hesitate, just do it, live your dreams. My friend Casey is the biggest dreamer, and he's not the only one. I am going to take a year to get my head clear, get experience, and make my dreams a reality. I am not going to need luck, just perseverance. I know I can be amazing and make a change in this world and I am not going to let my fear of failing stop me. Never before have things been so clear to me. I know people might not understand, they will say I will regret it, they might even call me a coward. I know there will be people supporting me along the way and also people throwing stones at me and that's fine. People get jealous and try to hold you back to their level because they are fearful that you will actually accomplish what you're promising.
One last thing.
I have gotten so tired of trying to fit in with people that don't really appreciate me...so much that I have come to the conclusion of saying, "fuck 'em." This world is cruel and beautiful and I am not afraid of the cruel but I wont let it stop me from seeing the beautiful. We are born selfish and inconsiderate. ME ME ME. Some of us never trade in these qualities for better ones. I have realized that I am loved by only the people who really matter in my life. But I do warn you that anger, fear, envy and hate can allow you to make decisions and assumptions in haste. Be careful but also don't hang around people who aren't worth your time and love.
Hope this was semi interesting and not too annoying. Even if it was, oh well :)
another goal is to get some of my writing published.
Much love to the dreamers and believers
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Friday, March 11, 2011
God punishes the good and saves the beasts among them
What to you do when the last of them have disappointed you? What do you do when people have stepped on your heart, your amicable consideration towards them, your last hope that things will work out? What do you do when you feel like nothing is true anymore, like if you were to touch their lips they would ripple and fade into darkness? What do you do when you don't want to feel like shit but every time you think of why you feel like shit then you just feel shittier than when you started?
I have seen many of you, all of you,
till the depths of your faces where the insides meet your smile
more of a smirk with a devilish snare behind it
you're weightless and don't care for long walks or heavy hearts to hearts because you're living free in selfish solidarity
why should I break up your fun, just because I'm the absent one?
they tell me karma will get them and I say only luck will because that's how life is
God punishes the good and saves the beasts among them
yet I am not in heaven
a limbo of thoughts where nothing but unreciprocated feelings dwell, festering into bubbles of hell
save me, save me
I am not the victim, possibly the symptom, definitely not a girl who takes heartbreak well
Just tell me straight out then I can finally get it
stop living in ambiguities cause it twists the webs
sticking to my fingers making cotton candy dread
so stop, stop, stop it
I try to tell you what and you just brush it off like our friendship
then once again we are left with singed bridges and water below that holds no beginning or end
we are not friends, not true friends.
I have seen many of you, all of you,
till the depths of your faces where the insides meet your smile
more of a smirk with a devilish snare behind it
you're weightless and don't care for long walks or heavy hearts to hearts because you're living free in selfish solidarity
why should I break up your fun, just because I'm the absent one?
they tell me karma will get them and I say only luck will because that's how life is
God punishes the good and saves the beasts among them
yet I am not in heaven
a limbo of thoughts where nothing but unreciprocated feelings dwell, festering into bubbles of hell
save me, save me
I am not the victim, possibly the symptom, definitely not a girl who takes heartbreak well
Just tell me straight out then I can finally get it
stop living in ambiguities cause it twists the webs
sticking to my fingers making cotton candy dread
so stop, stop, stop it
I try to tell you what and you just brush it off like our friendship
then once again we are left with singed bridges and water below that holds no beginning or end
we are not friends, not true friends.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Life is funny
Alright, so new blog post though I am unsure what exactly I want to write about so I warn you that this may all be a jumble of words.
Solidarity. You live life alone, you change alone, you grow alone, you laugh alone, you die alone etc.
You may be saying to yourself that this gurl is pessimistic with her views on life and pshhhh honey has got it all wrong.
OR
you could be saying God is always with me.
OR
something else
Is this a pessimistic view on life? Maybe. Am I wrong? Maybe
but wrong or right doesn't matter, blogs are opinions.
So in the past week or so I have realized a few things...
1. you live life alone therefore you must be, 90% of the time, selfish when making decisions concerning your health (mental & physical) and general well being.
In response:
I have been reading a lot about buddhism and hinduism and the values that they are based on and a big kind of unifying theme is about how our need/attachment for materials/sense objects creates a desire and craving which inevitably creates suffering and dissatisfaction in our lives. It goes on telling its followers to devote every burp, defecation and strenuous workout to god (which ever god you would like to refer to according to your religion). Live your life according to god. This part I can't conceptualize because I am antitheistic and a bit agnostic/atheist. Anyways, bottom line is that we attach ourselves to many things (husbands, boyfriends, my stolen marc jacobs bag, our pets, yada yada yada) but what we fail to realize is that these attachments ultimately cause suffering because if something happens to them (death, age, sickness, or being stolen) then our life basically can flip upside down. Now I am not saying give up your attachments because I can't even imagine my life without all the pets I have had, they bring me soooo much joy. But in current situations with friends I have noticed their reluctance to give up these attachments when they are causing or will cause them severe pain in the future. All that I say is completely circumstantial because without attachments in my life I would have nothing to thrive on and live for. But, I have also realized that in this life, I die alone, I am born alone, I struggle alone. I am sure you can give examples of situations when your friend was with you through your trials and tribulations but truly everything in life is individualized to that one human being, nothing is the same for two different people. So these friends of mine are putting their lives in the line of fire all because they're so attached. I think this is unfair to them because no matter if you think what your doing is needed or right, you need to weigh the situation you are putting yourself in, is it as important as you say it is ( I do the test of.. will this matter in 5 years?) and if the option of it ending fatally or in jubilation is worth it. Is it worth your well being and sanity? All I am saying is ask yourself this because in the end you experience all this alone and no matter how hard you try to explain it to someone, even if they have been in the same experience, they will not know, only you will know what it felt like, what it smelt like what it tasted, sounded, looked like. But most of us want to be a martyr... die and be put through hell for something worth it. That concept is also a silly one that I typically engage in. Now with all this said I am not saying don't give to the poor nor volunteer at a place like the Betty Ford Center because it doesn't matter in the end. Though it may seem contradictory to everything I have just said, these things are useful and bring about joy and happiness ( typically . To give to someone else what they cannot give themselves is truly an amazing feeling and experience ( which can also be taken as you doing the job just to reap gratification ). So just be careful and weigh the options. Of course you are going to do things that aren't worth it but these, all these good and bad experiences shape us to be the person we are every second of every day.
2. Next thing which I sort of mentioned in the last paragraph is the thought of "will this matter in 5 years?" Most of the time the answer is, "No"
I have talked about wanting to always fit in and have people like me but I have been thinking about these silly things I fret over and how none of this will matter in 5 years. An example, you're at a party and someone tells you to snort a line of cocaine and you have a craving for drugs but are trying to stay sober but at the same time you want to be like everyone else, supposedly cool. PAUSE.... will these fuck heads matter in 5 years? Will I even know them 5 years from now? Will I remember their names tomorrow? Probably,no, but there are always exceptions to the rule (especially in fucking chemistry). None the less, I have found it helpful to focus on me, and what does matter, and what will affect me in 5 years.
Another key thing is...“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”-Dr.Seuss
3.A personal thing I have learned about myself is it's okay to be sexual and push the envelope because truly I like sex, I like talking about sex/sexual things and I like thinking about sex. What's not okay is to throw yourself at any person who will have you then cover it up by saying that I am just a sexual person and can't help it. Not true, you can help it. So yah, sexual but with no sex :) People might say I am a tease but seriously... whatever.
4. Lastly, I learned that life is funny, life is never what it seems to be and it never falls exactly in the plan you have set out. And, that as years pass the only constant is change. I realized this when I was talking to one of my ex boyfriends Nick, we were talking like friends... no inhibitions... no nothing. I asked him if he could ever see us getting back together, he said, "no." And I never thought I would say this because I was once so madly in love and infatuated with him but I am happier with his friendship more than a relationship and I truly have no feelings for him and don't ever see us getting back together in the future. I remember the nights I cried over him, asking, "why did this happen? What did I do wrong? Saying to myself, I will always love him." And I could've never guessed I would be totally, completely, utterly over him. I kind of consider him my first love... kind of. So it's a big thing for me to feel this way and I truly laughed and said, "wow." I was so amazed how things weren't how I ever had envisioned them. So there you go, life is funny, and I think everyone can find humor in how things have turned out whether for better or worse.
My Grandpa's death day is coming up and it has almost been a year without him, I have progressed without him. Once again life is always funny and surprising. Yet, there isn't a day that my heart doesn't find him.
Stay tuned :)
-Molly
Solidarity. You live life alone, you change alone, you grow alone, you laugh alone, you die alone etc.
You may be saying to yourself that this gurl is pessimistic with her views on life and pshhhh honey has got it all wrong.
OR
you could be saying God is always with me.
OR
something else
Is this a pessimistic view on life? Maybe. Am I wrong? Maybe
but wrong or right doesn't matter, blogs are opinions.
So in the past week or so I have realized a few things...
1. you live life alone therefore you must be, 90% of the time, selfish when making decisions concerning your health (mental & physical) and general well being.
In response:
I have been reading a lot about buddhism and hinduism and the values that they are based on and a big kind of unifying theme is about how our need/attachment for materials/sense objects creates a desire and craving which inevitably creates suffering and dissatisfaction in our lives. It goes on telling its followers to devote every burp, defecation and strenuous workout to god (which ever god you would like to refer to according to your religion). Live your life according to god. This part I can't conceptualize because I am antitheistic and a bit agnostic/atheist. Anyways, bottom line is that we attach ourselves to many things (husbands, boyfriends, my stolen marc jacobs bag, our pets, yada yada yada) but what we fail to realize is that these attachments ultimately cause suffering because if something happens to them (death, age, sickness, or being stolen) then our life basically can flip upside down. Now I am not saying give up your attachments because I can't even imagine my life without all the pets I have had, they bring me soooo much joy. But in current situations with friends I have noticed their reluctance to give up these attachments when they are causing or will cause them severe pain in the future. All that I say is completely circumstantial because without attachments in my life I would have nothing to thrive on and live for. But, I have also realized that in this life, I die alone, I am born alone, I struggle alone. I am sure you can give examples of situations when your friend was with you through your trials and tribulations but truly everything in life is individualized to that one human being, nothing is the same for two different people. So these friends of mine are putting their lives in the line of fire all because they're so attached. I think this is unfair to them because no matter if you think what your doing is needed or right, you need to weigh the situation you are putting yourself in, is it as important as you say it is ( I do the test of.. will this matter in 5 years?) and if the option of it ending fatally or in jubilation is worth it. Is it worth your well being and sanity? All I am saying is ask yourself this because in the end you experience all this alone and no matter how hard you try to explain it to someone, even if they have been in the same experience, they will not know, only you will know what it felt like, what it smelt like what it tasted, sounded, looked like. But most of us want to be a martyr... die and be put through hell for something worth it. That concept is also a silly one that I typically engage in. Now with all this said I am not saying don't give to the poor nor volunteer at a place like the Betty Ford Center because it doesn't matter in the end. Though it may seem contradictory to everything I have just said, these things are useful and bring about joy and happiness ( typically . To give to someone else what they cannot give themselves is truly an amazing feeling and experience ( which can also be taken as you doing the job just to reap gratification ). So just be careful and weigh the options. Of course you are going to do things that aren't worth it but these, all these good and bad experiences shape us to be the person we are every second of every day.
2. Next thing which I sort of mentioned in the last paragraph is the thought of "will this matter in 5 years?" Most of the time the answer is, "No"
I have talked about wanting to always fit in and have people like me but I have been thinking about these silly things I fret over and how none of this will matter in 5 years. An example, you're at a party and someone tells you to snort a line of cocaine and you have a craving for drugs but are trying to stay sober but at the same time you want to be like everyone else, supposedly cool. PAUSE.... will these fuck heads matter in 5 years? Will I even know them 5 years from now? Will I remember their names tomorrow? Probably,no, but there are always exceptions to the rule (especially in fucking chemistry). None the less, I have found it helpful to focus on me, and what does matter, and what will affect me in 5 years.
Another key thing is...“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”-Dr.Seuss
3.A personal thing I have learned about myself is it's okay to be sexual and push the envelope because truly I like sex, I like talking about sex/sexual things and I like thinking about sex. What's not okay is to throw yourself at any person who will have you then cover it up by saying that I am just a sexual person and can't help it. Not true, you can help it. So yah, sexual but with no sex :) People might say I am a tease but seriously... whatever.
4. Lastly, I learned that life is funny, life is never what it seems to be and it never falls exactly in the plan you have set out. And, that as years pass the only constant is change. I realized this when I was talking to one of my ex boyfriends Nick, we were talking like friends... no inhibitions... no nothing. I asked him if he could ever see us getting back together, he said, "no." And I never thought I would say this because I was once so madly in love and infatuated with him but I am happier with his friendship more than a relationship and I truly have no feelings for him and don't ever see us getting back together in the future. I remember the nights I cried over him, asking, "why did this happen? What did I do wrong? Saying to myself, I will always love him." And I could've never guessed I would be totally, completely, utterly over him. I kind of consider him my first love... kind of. So it's a big thing for me to feel this way and I truly laughed and said, "wow." I was so amazed how things weren't how I ever had envisioned them. So there you go, life is funny, and I think everyone can find humor in how things have turned out whether for better or worse.
My Grandpa's death day is coming up and it has almost been a year without him, I have progressed without him. Once again life is always funny and surprising. Yet, there isn't a day that my heart doesn't find him.
Stay tuned :)
-Molly
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Loveless
At the end of my last post I made the comment that I don't currently like anyone romantically. For anyone who has known me for a while would take this comment as a true shock cause Molly always has a guy on the line that she is either dating, fucking, liking, or fooling around with before she jumps on her decided prey. Never has Molly not been in this high school state of mind where she is balancing boys as she tries to balance her books. I have to admit that that attitude or lifestyle kind of followed me into college (or maybe I specifically pack it in my suitcase). I was the boy obsessed girl. You could always and probably still can come to me for a good story about some guy that did this or that. It's funny because while I am not involved with anyone, my beautiful friend Madelaine is kind of seeing someone. It is only funny because it feels like we've swapped positions, the offense is now the defense and vice versa. I told Madelaine it was because guys are finally realizing what an amazing person she is because they have finally taken off their "I am a stupid douche bag high school boy" goggles to see the beauty radiates in her and all around her. I love Maddy she is one of the best people I know and to see her kind of reach towards this new happiness in her life is sweet. Does this mean people are finally taking of their goggles and realizing I am too crazy for love? I guess I just have some woes about this state I am in. I feel like I will never love, never find someone who loves me for all my bull shit and all my lovely shit. Someone who sees the flaws as beauties and the beauties as extra bonuses. I have met a lot of guys and at one point I think I thought I loved him and maybe at the time I did but now of course I don't feel that way at all. I look back and say I loved him then and now, now I realize I hardly knew him. But that's young love, right? You are so infatuated with someone that you start to believe it is love. The reason why we make this mistake is purely because of lack of experience loving a significant other (not your Mom, Dad, or dog). So maybe I am at this place now where I have experienced enough to realize that I truly don't like anyone. I have no chemistry that is enough to start a relationship with someone. I mean there was this one guy but in heart of trying to keep it a healthy, festering friendship I told him I only wanted to be friends. Yet, I find myself thinking about him and others and past lovers more and more. Why not him? "You never really gave it a chance Molly." There I go again. I think it boils down to me not wanting to be alone ( Yay! I am finally differentiating those feelings from others! ). As an individual I value my alone time a whole heck of a lot but then why do I feel this need to be talking to a guy or with a guy or liking a guy? In the end, another one bites the dust. They never seem to last long and that's why I wanted to keep my friendship with this one guy because he's a good guy and I try to tell myself that his friendship is more valuable than his dick. Truly I feel like it is either or... friendship or sex. And there is no in between for me no matter what I drunkenly tell you. I can not have friends with benefits because I, 99% of the time end up developing feelings for that someone while they feel nothing ( or some other reason, e.g. don't like me enough to do the distance ). I hate the people who can have fun and be unattached. This guy who is semi-infamous at SFSU for multiple reasons, fucks a ton of girls (don't quote me, not sure if he is still doing this) and walks away seeming to be unscathed. He walks away without attachment. He is the epitome of a friend with benefits guy if you can handle the whole, I am only having sex with you to have a good time but hey I think you're cool too. At first I hated him and now in some crazy parallel universe I look at him and wish I could have it to; that ability to walk away without getting attached and get some pleasure on top of it all. Maybe there's a secret to his madness. I don't know him well enough to even guess or ask for my own observations to add to my lab manual. But, lately as I mentioned I have been thinking why haven't I said yes to some certain guys. Then I ask myself, "Do you just like the idea of having someone?" I feel like Meg Ryan's friend in the movie, When Harry Met Sally who always believes the married man she is having an affair with will leave his wife for her. I feel like I am always constantly grabbing out into the sea of men (hahahha ... you get it ?) to grab my next victim (I am sure some of my exes would explain it that way). Maybe it's biology, our need for companionship, a mate to reproduce with. I don't know. I don't know how to separate biology from what I really want and need. I feel loveless. I feel like I am going to end up alone with a bunch of dogs in a big house being successful, single and fun loving (sounds nice doesn't it?) OR alone in a small janky apartment in a sketch neighborhood with a bottle of wine in my bag and a can of mace in hand (always be prepared) while watching reruns of I love Lucy. Some of the most undesirable people find love, their soul mates. Am I that undesirable that I can't hold a relationship for more than 3 months? Yes I do have self esteem issues very much. And as RuPaul quoted at an end of an episode of RuPaul's Drage Race, "If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?" Ahh so true skinny man with big wig and penciled in eyebrows. Truly, drag queens are kind of amazing when you think about it, or at least I think so. So here I am, sitting alone (because I choose to be) thinking about how I could possibly ever find the true love, the one that everybody talks about, the ones that you read about in books and watch in movies, in my future. Who needs a husband anyways? Will I or won't I? Does it really matter?
Sorry, this is more of a bitch/rant/moan than my other posts are even though I think every post has a tad bit of self pity in it.
I feel better but now all I want is chocolate. No love just chocolate.
Sorry, this is more of a bitch/rant/moan than my other posts are even though I think every post has a tad bit of self pity in it.
I feel better but now all I want is chocolate. No love just chocolate.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Grasping at pebbles when you know you need to be moving mountains
I feel compelled to write, almost as if my fingers were obligated to touch every key as fast as my brain can carry them just so that I can get this all out in one piece/peace (I feel like both could be used in this situation). I am enthralled like a magician is when he fools his audience, "ahhhh, you will never know!" I am not enthralled because I have secrets but more so because I have discoveries. Jesus rice my fingers are colliding because my brain is working faster than my hands (I have truly never been a strong typer despite that typing computer program that was drilled into me at Castille)
So I felt like shit starting from last weekend to maybe this afternoon because of a mishap I guess you could say or kink in the chain or a rock in my path or (___any other semi euphemism___). Anywho the thing that put me out and under was I slapped someone, well that someone being my ex boyfriend Eric. I don't know why I did, mainly because I was highly intoxicated and don't remember ( what a surprise...not ). I was playing the role of the drunken crying shit show that night and well Eric was my first pick when deciding whose night I should fuck with. Maybe he provoked me or threatened me... truly I have no idea and seeing that he didn't try to make any contact with me during the parts of the night I do remember, well I can only speculate that he was just as quiet as a mouse. So I had one of the worst nights ever and I moped around, boohooing for myself about what a fuckup I was and then I stopped taking my pills. I didn't intentionally stop taking them, it's just I forgot and after a certain time if I haven't take them then I can't because of medical blood level shit. If you don't know I take anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication and have been for about 4ish years now. I take lexapro, wellbutrin, and lamictal ( Plus Xanex for extreme emergencies ) Yup I am part of doped up America. Back to the story if you please. After multiple times of slapping Eric and then having my brothers roommate Chris come pick me up because I was in such a state of mind I woke up to realize that I felt like shit.
This is an excerpt from how I felt in a draft for a blog that I ended up not posting
So, I made a mistake like anybody else. I did something that can't can't be taken back. This isn't one of those moments where you can say you didn't mean it because you did, I did. I meant every bit of rage, hate and pain that surged through my hand that consequently hit his face. I hit him multiple times. Maybe this wouldn't be a big deal for somebody else but it is for me. I feel like a demented child that tortures animals when they're little and are therefore taken to multiple psychiatrists because they're doomed to be a serial killer. I mean you see the girls in the movies do exactly what I did, SLAP, and they feel so fulfilled and amazing after, like they have accomplished the unaccomplishable.
Yeahh unaccomplishable is not a word...
Point is, I gained nothing from slapping him besides the new found pearls of wisdom that made me realize that
1. I have/ had a lot of pent up anger towards Eric.
2. I have a problem with alcohol and self preservation.
3. This is not who I want to be. I don't want to be someone who thinks physical violence will solve things nor do I want to be someone who engages in that kind of primitive behavior. I am not a fighter, I am a lover. End of story... violence ( any form ) is wrong and truthfully I am ashamed at my actions.
So here it is everyone... my excavation of "why?"
I have/had pent up anger towards Eric because when I broke up with I gave the reason that, " I need to concentrate on my school work." That isn't to say that was a fabrication but it definitely wasn't the whole truth. He made me feel insignificant, like a little ant he was waiting to crush beneath his chukka boots or whatever the fuck they are called and he made me feel not good enough for the oh so godly Eric. Seriously that boy has an ego that could reach to no-man's land. But all this was never said. I remember thinking that this was an easier truth. But truthfully, in the end it wasn't any easier. I guess it's obvious that the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me Yod ( yes I purposely put Yod )is typically the way to go. So first thing I learned was the truth will set you free when you use your ability to relinquish it at the proper times. And, I learned that I never want to hit/slap anyone out of anger again just because I am too damn drunk to know any better.
Next topic. Alcohol. Blame it on the al-al-alc-alc-alcohol. I have gone to AA meetings before and truly they have never worked for me for various reasons but that could be another blog within itself so I will save my few readers from a lengthy explanation. I guess it comes down to a few things... I am not okay with myself, I drink to fit in, I drink because I want to run away from all the bad feelings that fester inside of me, I drink because I don't want to be the person not drinking, I drink because I want to be loose and free willed, I drink because I don't know what else to do. This sounds like those groups in high schools that talks about drinking.. all whiny and shit. Basically all these wants and needs can be fixed without drinking. Now, I am not everyone. There are so many people who can drink and have a grand ole' time... I am just saying that that is not me because about 9.9 out of 10 times a night of heavy drinking ends badly for me in one way or another. So what am I to do? I hate to disappoint but truly, I am not sure yet. I could go back to AA meetings but I don't want to so maybe not. I also know that if I put some thought into why I choose alcohol over self preservation, I might be able to figure my shit out. So for now I'll admit that I am unsure and don't know what to do, which for right now is totally okay.
So in continuing on, with the fact that I hadn't taken my pills for a few days (and trust me a few days makes a shit ton of difference) I wanted to comatose or get out of this world last night. All I wanted was to forget how disgusted and upset I had made myself and just fucking get away. Turn my back on it all for a measly I don't know 24 hours or 48? I started drinking, not sipping, my liquid promethesine codeine from SFSU health center... thank you... in hopes of blanking out or something of the sort. I was not, I repeat, I was not trying to commit suicide, I merely wanted to go on a vacation in paradise with no worries. Hakuna Matata :) Anywho I quickly realized that I always try to run away from my problems instead of dealing with them. I constantly think that running away will solve things, as if I was to wake up in a better, perfect world without my insignificant yet significant to me troubles. I called my savior, my mother, and she talked me down, she healed my wounds, she did what any mother should do... love me unconditionally till it hurt. Moments like these I can honestly say I am so glad that I have a relationship with both my mom and dad because too often have I seen people disconnected with their parents and I just bask in the fact that I am sooo lucky to have them by me every step of the way. I would not be able to do it without them. So I came down from my hysterics and fell asleep. Sorry there's no crazy ending but I woke up feeling just the same this morning, empty. I felt empty, so distressed from all the overwhelming aspects of life that I just couldn't even fathom a smile. But as the day went on I worked out at the gym, ate pizza, and watched glee... therefore I instantly felt better. I also felt better for another few reasons.
Today I met a girl, Lindsey, at the SFSU Student Health Center peer nutrition health clinic thingy which I need to do for one of my classes and she was my actual health advisor. Anywho, at the end of the session she commented on my tattoo of, "Love" on my wrist. She went on to explain that that is how she lost her dad. At the moment it didn't affect me like it has now.
I am one of the lucky, one of the ones who didn't succeed and maybe I am being melodramatic but more than ever there have been an increased number of suicides among young people. This is so sickening to me because I was one of those people who felt worthless, empty, ugly, lonely and I know what it is like to try and crawl your way through that dark tunnel, grasping at pebbles when you know you need to be moving mountains. I know. And to think that there is just another person that lived but didn't really get to LIVE because they were pained with something so unbearable that this life was not worth it. It makes me want to do something. Maybe educate people and give them resources because when I was in high school mental diseases affecting young peoples wasn't a concept that I could form in my mind. Will I do anything? I will.
I feel like I have explored a lot tonight but definitely not enough because I still gots a long way to go. But for anyone who is reading this I thank you for taking the time to read my psychoanalysis and probably boring account of my life of trials and tribulations.
I am me
strong
funny
sensitive and sometimes oversensitive
empowered
lovely
creative
daring
sparkling
me
also another change in my life right now... I have no feelings for any guy... I mean romantic feelings. I don't think I have ever not liked someone. But now I am free and freedom feels good.
:)
So I felt like shit starting from last weekend to maybe this afternoon because of a mishap I guess you could say or kink in the chain or a rock in my path or (___any other semi euphemism___). Anywho the thing that put me out and under was I slapped someone, well that someone being my ex boyfriend Eric. I don't know why I did, mainly because I was highly intoxicated and don't remember ( what a surprise...not ). I was playing the role of the drunken crying shit show that night and well Eric was my first pick when deciding whose night I should fuck with. Maybe he provoked me or threatened me... truly I have no idea and seeing that he didn't try to make any contact with me during the parts of the night I do remember, well I can only speculate that he was just as quiet as a mouse. So I had one of the worst nights ever and I moped around, boohooing for myself about what a fuckup I was and then I stopped taking my pills. I didn't intentionally stop taking them, it's just I forgot and after a certain time if I haven't take them then I can't because of medical blood level shit. If you don't know I take anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication and have been for about 4ish years now. I take lexapro, wellbutrin, and lamictal ( Plus Xanex for extreme emergencies ) Yup I am part of doped up America. Back to the story if you please. After multiple times of slapping Eric and then having my brothers roommate Chris come pick me up because I was in such a state of mind I woke up to realize that I felt like shit.
This is an excerpt from how I felt in a draft for a blog that I ended up not posting
So, I made a mistake like anybody else. I did something that can't can't be taken back. This isn't one of those moments where you can say you didn't mean it because you did, I did. I meant every bit of rage, hate and pain that surged through my hand that consequently hit his face. I hit him multiple times. Maybe this wouldn't be a big deal for somebody else but it is for me. I feel like a demented child that tortures animals when they're little and are therefore taken to multiple psychiatrists because they're doomed to be a serial killer. I mean you see the girls in the movies do exactly what I did, SLAP, and they feel so fulfilled and amazing after, like they have accomplished the unaccomplishable.
Yeahh unaccomplishable is not a word...
Point is, I gained nothing from slapping him besides the new found pearls of wisdom that made me realize that
1. I have/ had a lot of pent up anger towards Eric.
2. I have a problem with alcohol and self preservation.
3. This is not who I want to be. I don't want to be someone who thinks physical violence will solve things nor do I want to be someone who engages in that kind of primitive behavior. I am not a fighter, I am a lover. End of story... violence ( any form ) is wrong and truthfully I am ashamed at my actions.
So here it is everyone... my excavation of "why?"
I have/had pent up anger towards Eric because when I broke up with I gave the reason that, " I need to concentrate on my school work." That isn't to say that was a fabrication but it definitely wasn't the whole truth. He made me feel insignificant, like a little ant he was waiting to crush beneath his chukka boots or whatever the fuck they are called and he made me feel not good enough for the oh so godly Eric. Seriously that boy has an ego that could reach to no-man's land. But all this was never said. I remember thinking that this was an easier truth. But truthfully, in the end it wasn't any easier. I guess it's obvious that the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me Yod ( yes I purposely put Yod )is typically the way to go. So first thing I learned was the truth will set you free when you use your ability to relinquish it at the proper times. And, I learned that I never want to hit/slap anyone out of anger again just because I am too damn drunk to know any better.
Next topic. Alcohol. Blame it on the al-al-alc-alc-alcohol. I have gone to AA meetings before and truly they have never worked for me for various reasons but that could be another blog within itself so I will save my few readers from a lengthy explanation. I guess it comes down to a few things... I am not okay with myself, I drink to fit in, I drink because I want to run away from all the bad feelings that fester inside of me, I drink because I don't want to be the person not drinking, I drink because I want to be loose and free willed, I drink because I don't know what else to do. This sounds like those groups in high schools that talks about drinking.. all whiny and shit. Basically all these wants and needs can be fixed without drinking. Now, I am not everyone. There are so many people who can drink and have a grand ole' time... I am just saying that that is not me because about 9.9 out of 10 times a night of heavy drinking ends badly for me in one way or another. So what am I to do? I hate to disappoint but truly, I am not sure yet. I could go back to AA meetings but I don't want to so maybe not. I also know that if I put some thought into why I choose alcohol over self preservation, I might be able to figure my shit out. So for now I'll admit that I am unsure and don't know what to do, which for right now is totally okay.
So in continuing on, with the fact that I hadn't taken my pills for a few days (and trust me a few days makes a shit ton of difference) I wanted to comatose or get out of this world last night. All I wanted was to forget how disgusted and upset I had made myself and just fucking get away. Turn my back on it all for a measly I don't know 24 hours or 48? I started drinking, not sipping, my liquid promethesine codeine from SFSU health center... thank you... in hopes of blanking out or something of the sort. I was not, I repeat, I was not trying to commit suicide, I merely wanted to go on a vacation in paradise with no worries. Hakuna Matata :) Anywho I quickly realized that I always try to run away from my problems instead of dealing with them. I constantly think that running away will solve things, as if I was to wake up in a better, perfect world without my insignificant yet significant to me troubles. I called my savior, my mother, and she talked me down, she healed my wounds, she did what any mother should do... love me unconditionally till it hurt. Moments like these I can honestly say I am so glad that I have a relationship with both my mom and dad because too often have I seen people disconnected with their parents and I just bask in the fact that I am sooo lucky to have them by me every step of the way. I would not be able to do it without them. So I came down from my hysterics and fell asleep. Sorry there's no crazy ending but I woke up feeling just the same this morning, empty. I felt empty, so distressed from all the overwhelming aspects of life that I just couldn't even fathom a smile. But as the day went on I worked out at the gym, ate pizza, and watched glee... therefore I instantly felt better. I also felt better for another few reasons.
Today I met a girl, Lindsey, at the SFSU Student Health Center peer nutrition health clinic thingy which I need to do for one of my classes and she was my actual health advisor. Anywho, at the end of the session she commented on my tattoo of, "Love" on my wrist. She went on to explain that that is how she lost her dad. At the moment it didn't affect me like it has now.
I am one of the lucky, one of the ones who didn't succeed and maybe I am being melodramatic but more than ever there have been an increased number of suicides among young people. This is so sickening to me because I was one of those people who felt worthless, empty, ugly, lonely and I know what it is like to try and crawl your way through that dark tunnel, grasping at pebbles when you know you need to be moving mountains. I know. And to think that there is just another person that lived but didn't really get to LIVE because they were pained with something so unbearable that this life was not worth it. It makes me want to do something. Maybe educate people and give them resources because when I was in high school mental diseases affecting young peoples wasn't a concept that I could form in my mind. Will I do anything? I will.
I feel like I have explored a lot tonight but definitely not enough because I still gots a long way to go. But for anyone who is reading this I thank you for taking the time to read my psychoanalysis and probably boring account of my life of trials and tribulations.
I am me
strong
funny
sensitive and sometimes oversensitive
empowered
lovely
creative
daring
sparkling
me
also another change in my life right now... I have no feelings for any guy... I mean romantic feelings. I don't think I have ever not liked someone. But now I am free and freedom feels good.
:)
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Vacant
Here's where I tell you all my secrets.
Everything you ever wanted to know, you now know.
I am an empty shell with nothing to hold. My body has escaped me again and my soul free floats before waking eyes, burning, twisting, withering in the burnt rays of sunlight.
The shell stays empty, waiting for the next visitor to inhabit and destroy its surroundings.
That's what you have done and you can't even cry and use your broken tears to fix this. Irrevocable. The ocean holds you up while the currents brush you off. But still you're in the same state of mind that landed you here. Lets blame it all on them. Sit, wait, and do nothing while the world speeds against you, behind you, without you. If only you could create yourself again with the rocks that never balance on each other. At least then you'd be trying. But all you're is vacant. Vacancy the sign will shine beneath the crystal waters that ripple away the death and dying.
Everything you ever wanted to know, you now know.
I am an empty shell with nothing to hold. My body has escaped me again and my soul free floats before waking eyes, burning, twisting, withering in the burnt rays of sunlight.
The shell stays empty, waiting for the next visitor to inhabit and destroy its surroundings.
That's what you have done and you can't even cry and use your broken tears to fix this. Irrevocable. The ocean holds you up while the currents brush you off. But still you're in the same state of mind that landed you here. Lets blame it all on them. Sit, wait, and do nothing while the world speeds against you, behind you, without you. If only you could create yourself again with the rocks that never balance on each other. At least then you'd be trying. But all you're is vacant. Vacancy the sign will shine beneath the crystal waters that ripple away the death and dying.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
mini poem
she beat me to it
she stole your heart before I could even touch it
before I could make an impression on it
cause she swims in and out of your dreams
a siren luring you down to the depths
seducing you back in
and here we are together in the same boat
trying to find my reflection in the ripples of the ocean
searching for something to have meaning again
punch me and make me feel cause I am numb without him
a slice of how I might be feeling
I have nothing to write... I thought I did and now I just can't put it all into words.
she stole your heart before I could even touch it
before I could make an impression on it
cause she swims in and out of your dreams
a siren luring you down to the depths
seducing you back in
and here we are together in the same boat
trying to find my reflection in the ripples of the ocean
searching for something to have meaning again
punch me and make me feel cause I am numb without him
a slice of how I might be feeling
I have nothing to write... I thought I did and now I just can't put it all into words.
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