Life is funny

Alright, so new blog post though I am unsure what exactly I want to write about so I warn you that this may all be a jumble of words.


Solidarity. You live life alone, you change alone, you grow alone, you laugh alone, you die alone etc.
You may be saying to yourself that this gurl is pessimistic with her views on life and pshhhh honey has got it all wrong.
OR
you could be saying God is always with me.
OR
something else

Is this a pessimistic view on life? Maybe. Am I wrong? Maybe
but wrong or right doesn't matter, blogs are opinions.

So in the past week or so I have realized a few things...
1. you live life alone therefore you must be, 90% of the time, selfish when making decisions concerning your health (mental & physical) and general well being.

In response:
I have been reading a lot about buddhism and hinduism and the values that they are based on and a big kind of unifying theme is about how our need/attachment for materials/sense objects creates a desire and craving which inevitably creates suffering and dissatisfaction in our lives. It goes on telling its followers to devote every burp, defecation and strenuous workout to god (which ever god you would like to refer to according to your religion). Live your life according to god. This part I can't conceptualize because I am antitheistic and a bit agnostic/atheist. Anyways, bottom line is that we attach ourselves to many things (husbands, boyfriends, my stolen marc jacobs bag, our pets, yada yada yada) but what we fail to realize is that these attachments ultimately cause suffering because if something happens to them (death, age, sickness, or being stolen) then our life basically can flip upside down. Now I am not saying give up your attachments because I can't even imagine my life without all the pets I have had, they bring me soooo much joy. But in current situations with friends I have noticed their reluctance to give up these attachments when they are causing or will cause them severe pain in the future. All that I say is completely circumstantial because without attachments in my life I would have nothing to thrive on and live for. But, I have also realized that in this life, I die alone, I am born alone, I struggle alone. I am sure you can give examples of situations when your friend was with you through your trials and tribulations but truly everything in life is individualized to that one human being, nothing is the same for two different people. So these friends of mine are putting their lives in the line of fire all because they're so attached. I think this is unfair to them because no matter if you think what your doing is needed or right, you need to weigh the situation you are putting yourself in, is it as important as you say it is ( I do the test of.. will this matter in 5 years?) and if the option of it ending fatally or in jubilation is worth it. Is it worth your well being and sanity? All I am saying is ask yourself this because in the end you experience all this alone and no matter how hard you try to explain it to someone, even if they have been in the same experience, they will not know, only you will know what it felt like, what it smelt like what it tasted, sounded, looked like. But most of us want to be a martyr... die and be put through hell for something worth it. That concept is also a silly one that I typically engage in. Now with all this said I am not saying don't give to the poor nor volunteer at a place like the Betty Ford Center because it doesn't matter in the end. Though it may seem contradictory to everything I have just said, these things are useful and bring about joy and happiness ( typically . To give to someone else what they cannot give themselves is truly an amazing feeling and experience ( which can also be taken as you doing the job just to reap gratification ). So just be careful and weigh the options. Of course you are going to do things that aren't worth it but these, all these good and bad experiences shape us to be the person we are every second of every day.


2. Next thing which I sort of mentioned in the last paragraph is the thought of "will this matter in 5 years?" Most of the time the answer is, "No"
I have talked about wanting to always fit in and have people like me but I have been thinking about these silly things I fret over and how none of this will matter in 5 years. An example, you're at a party and someone tells you to snort a line of cocaine and you have a craving for drugs but are trying to stay sober but at the same time you want to be like everyone else, supposedly cool. PAUSE.... will these fuck heads matter in 5 years? Will I even know them 5 years from now? Will I remember their names tomorrow? Probably,no, but there are always exceptions to the rule (especially in fucking chemistry). None the less, I have found it helpful to focus on me, and what does matter, and what will affect me in 5 years.

Another key thing is...“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”-Dr.Seuss

3.A personal thing I have learned about myself is it's okay to be sexual and push the envelope because truly I like sex, I like talking about sex/sexual things and I like thinking about sex. What's not okay is to throw yourself at any person who will have you then cover it up by saying that I am just a sexual person and can't help it. Not true, you can help it. So yah, sexual but with no sex :) People might say I am a tease but seriously... whatever.

4. Lastly, I learned that life is funny, life is never what it seems to be and it never falls exactly in the plan you have set out. And, that as years pass the only constant is change. I realized this when I was talking to one of my ex boyfriends Nick, we were talking like friends... no inhibitions... no nothing. I asked him if he could ever see us getting back together, he said, "no." And I never thought I would say this because I was once so madly in love and infatuated with him but I am happier with his friendship more than a relationship and I truly have no feelings for him and don't ever see us getting back together in the future. I remember the nights I cried over him, asking, "why did this happen? What did I do wrong? Saying to myself, I will always love him." And I could've never guessed I would be totally, completely, utterly over him. I kind of consider him my first love... kind of. So it's a big thing for me to feel this way and I truly laughed and said, "wow." I was so amazed how things weren't how I ever had envisioned them. So there you go, life is funny, and I think everyone can find humor in how things have turned out whether for better or worse.

My Grandpa's death day is coming up and it has almost been a year without him, I have progressed without him. Once again life is always funny and surprising. Yet, there isn't a day that my heart doesn't find him.


Stay tuned :)

-Molly