Here it is. The faithful truth. I'll pretend like a million eyes are reading this and feeling some connection through their broadband internet ( as if anybody still uses broadband... that shit is too slow).
I get down. I get depressed. I am not happy go lucky all the time, probably not even half of the time. Recently I have been on a happy streak. But today was a huge blunder. I mean, a total shipwreck. I know... devote a whole horrible fucking day to a blog post... pathetic right? Maybe but it brought up a lot of issues that I am currently dealing with and care to write about. Yes, writing is my therapy.
As I said before, I get depressed. I actually have depression and anxiety and take multiple medications for it, so most of the time the pills are working but that's only half the cigar, the other half is me and what I put into it. Today I gave nothing. I gave into my depression. I know some people who are literally radiant, happy, jovial leprechauns 24/7 (or so it seems like) and explaining depression to them is like trying to explain that there's no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow... It just doesn't work that way. My depression is my demon, almost like something inside of me that takes over if I let it. There are things I do, and say, and think which make no sense to me when I look back on them. This is my depression. Even if you are reading this now it won't make sense because how do you explain to someone that you live a perfect life and that you sometimes have glitches in your brain where you feel like you don't ever want to wake up again. Depression doesn't make sense. Though you can usually always get to the bottom of why you're depressed.
So why, today, was I depressed?
1. No matter how you spin it, no matter how you say it, you're always going to get the same answer.
This guy I have been talking to compliments me and is sweet to me like cherry pie and I just don't get it. In this situation I think it is me because by the way he is acting I expect him to like me or want to date me or something but after many ways of asking him he still doesn't like me. Yet, he always tells me that soon a guy will not be intimidated by me and will soon ask me out or whatever. He's a sweetheart. Just, why can't it be him? Or better yet why can't I just accept that we can be friends only ( just cut down on the compliments ). First non-douchebag I have liked in a while.. can you blame me for wanting to hold on to him?
2.I want to make everyone happy. I don't want to disappoint.
I called in sick to work today. I haven't been feeling well for a while now and I don't know what is wrong with me but none the less I didn't feel well. I jumped into a full fledged routine of tears and shaking because my manager was upset with me and I knew that I was letting my coworkers down. It is a hostess job. See.. I am looking back now and saying OMG what a goon I am that was so not important.. you should've gotten over it... but I didn't. None the less the compulsion sometimes gets the best of me though I did break the mold this past week by wearing my huge nerdy specs to work. Why does this matter? I thought to myself.. guys won't think I am cute.. Derby hostesses have to be cute... and then I said FUCK IT and I wore my nerdy specs and all. (<--Maybe that has more to do with my self confidence.. oh well)
3.I don't understand why I am so unhappy when there is nothing to be unhappy about.
I have a prime example of someone who is happy, enjoying every day of her life though her life is plagued with tragedy. My best friend's mom was at first, I believe 4 or 5 years ago, diagnosed with GBM, a severe brain cancer and has now within the past week been diagnosed with some type of blood cancer. A tumor broke her hip and that is what sent her into the hospital this last week. She was happy with the news that the tumor the most treatable form of blood cancer. When I heard this it really shocked me. How can you be grateful that it is cancer again. I would be fucking pissed because it, as the doctor says, was probably the radiation treatment from her first cancer that made her more susceptible to cancer the second time around. And, here I am living in a gated community in MV, driving a car, with a job, a beautiful home, a loving family and friends and no worries... jesus... But people just say, "Be happy, just be happy there's nothing to be sad about." And, they're right but it's not that easy, not for me at least. I am thankful and I don't want to complain. I just don't know how to be optimistic instead of pessimistic. Sue me.
4. I miss my brother. I miss San Francisco.
Enough said. My brother is in San Francisco. I don't have the money to go up there nor the time.
So now I feel better but I still don't feel great. There is still a great deal on my mind but I think I'll save it for another time.
-Molly
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