Funny lessons wrapped in rotting meat with flies

Even the harshest lessons have a silver lining. Even the unbearable situations can become bearable once you have realized how they have helped you see a glimmer of light. Light signifying growth and hope. They say people come into our lives during certain moments for certain reasons, sometimes never known. I, most of the time get wrapped up in guys. Whatever guy it is, I obsess over what this and that means. I do it I think partially because I base a lot of my friendship with men on sex, and sex makes everything more messier to understand. I get so torn over the simplest situations that mean nothing. I bet every guy reading is thinking I am crazy and that they will never talk to me again because I am too complicated (And really that's fine). But back to the point I was trying to make. I got myself in a situation where nothing made sense to me, 1+2 did not equal 3 it equaled 256.89394 or some shit like that. It would seem that I should be a mathematician or following some profession with definite answers instead of Biology which seems to be a big mystery in many aspects. I just don't like ambiguity in my relationships and or friendships. Biology is still in the cards for me! So in this situation I seriously blew it up with a grenade then tried to put the pieces back together, I have learned something not only from the first situation but from another situation as well. Sorry if this is hard to follow. Basically I realized what I deserved and what I didn't. Sometimes you stereotype someone as being cool, nerdy, a jock, preppy, yada yada yada which sometimes leads to you putting them on a pedestal or the lowest part of the totem pole. To which ever degree you put them upon, conditions come with the way you view them. I viewed someone a certain way, so much to the point I was blinded from the stupidity and frankness of the whole situation. It was as if I was a blind person running into doors because I didn't have my seeing eye dog yet someone or something kept barking in the background to make it seem like there was the helpful dog. Too many bruises later and I realized. I realized after the failed friendships/relationships, whether it was because of me or them, that I deserve better and in some cases that they deserve better. I can't say I was Susie Sunshine throughout the situation because trust me, I wasn't, I was more like the girl in the Exorcist with pea soup projectile vomit and a spinning demonic head. That's okay, everyone has their crazy moments. Anywho, I was able to learn that I deserve better from one person, one person only, even though through multiple therapy sessions I was told exactly what he showed me. I wish I could put a single word to what my friend made me feel, I guess the word would be, WANTED. Making an effort is everything. I spent basically lets say 2ish maybe less semesters hoping and waiting for this person to the first person to make an effort, to show me that they meant what they said. Is it too much to ask for a little dedication or even the tiniest ounce of willingness or trying. I mean maybe I am wrong about this all. My friend from the second situation showed me that he doesn't need anything from me, no sex, no nothing, and he still comes to see me for only 3 minutes. Of course I wanted to see him longer because he is a good friend of mine but for various reasons we couldn't. But that is 3 minutes more and a million minutes more spent talking on the phone (doesn't live in sf) than the boy who lives next store ever did. I do not want anyone to take this the wrong way, I have no hate for this guy he just didn't do what I thought he should be doing so I came to the conclusion that he is not enough, I deserve more. Maybe I am greedy. Maybe I am wrong. But in this certain scenario I wasted my own sweet time on something that couldn't even ask me what my favorite color was. For your information my favorite color is maroon. I mean it may seem greedy, as if I expect too much but before I was seriously expecting nothing and that was wrong on my part.

"I am worth it." It took me a long time to understand and believe those words but someone has truly shown me the truth to these words. More than ever I believe this. And guess what, we are purely friends. I take joy in finding these happy, funny lessons covered in horrible rotting meat with circling, vulture like flies.