Saturday Night at the Movies

How can I make this post short and sweet so that I can get onto the homework I have been putting off for a whole week? I can't I have a feeling this is going to be a very very very long post. Which means it's probably very therapeutic for me and extremely boring for you.

This weekend, in particular Saturday was everything you want a night out in L.A. to be. There was booze, hookups, bras flying, grinding pelvises, joints stinking up the room, and little bits of fame.


Maybe this won't be a long post because at the moment I am having a very hard time articulating what Saturday was for me.

It was freedom. It was madness. It was everything I told, "no" to over the past year.

I drank. It has been a year and a couple months.

"Help yourself," he said. Bottle service. Fuck yeah. Had a total of probably 4 shots worth of alcohol, but even after the smidge of jose cuervo I had I was tipsy. Everyone knows that with tequila off comes the clothes.

After Jose it was a mini handle pull of seagrams 7.

It felt odd. Like I was drinking for the very first time, all over again. It felt good. I felt stupid, and happy, and good.

It is weird what alcohol can do to you. Let me add that before I had drank I was feeling just as good. This alcohol just added a bit of fire to the night.

Now like oh my god. I broke my sobriety. I am a dry drunk. This is all true. But I wanted to have some fun, let loose and enjoy myself. Plus, I've been scared to break my sobriety. As if I would be letting other people down. I should only be letting myself down. This is my choice, all about me. If I want to drink I'll drink. It started becoming more of a game of how much longer can I stay sober rather than a commitment. I mean everything from my past is true. I have a problem controlling my alcohol intake. I drink usually for the wrong reasons. But saturday night none of that seemed to interefere or whatever.I should still be able to drink. and I did. just as it was my choice and only my choice to stop drinking it was certainly mine to have another one.

150%

This post serves two purposes.

1. To get me in a writing mood

2. To make a deal with myself


Recently I have started a new sleep regimen (with the exception of last night) where I am in bed by 12, asleep probably around 1am, and then awake by 9 or 10am. I have cut my caffeine from 4 drinks to 2 drinks. I don't drink caffeine after 6pm. Hypersomnia and insomniac are my new titles. Anywho, I would say that this is another baby step towards changing my life. Considering that I used to go to bed around 3 or 4 am and wake around 2 or 3 pm, but that's only if someone woke me up, otherwise I would keep sleeping. It's been a week and I feel better. It is easier to get up and I honestly feel like my body's gears are clicking back into the right places.

Also, I am planning on going to a creative writing club at CSUF on Monday night. I met a new guy friend. I am planning to go to an AA meeting with Miss Elin two wednesday's from now. AND I am planning to go on a run with the Snail's Pace running club in MV this Wednesday.

I am going to make it to all of these commitments.

Oh, and I deleted snapchat after one of my wonderful friends who received a nude photo from me made it into this cat picture. It was really funny until I knew he was showing my other friends. Then it made me feel weird. Oh the downfalls of snapchat. Such is life. No more nudes. Tons more condoms (don't ask).

So, what does this have to do with anything.

Well, for once I feel as if I am giving my life 150%. Why not 200% because 200% is an absurd number plus, "15", is one of my lucky numbers.

I feel so happy. Overjoyed. Just smiling all the time when I am around people. It feels good to move on, do new shit and put effort into your life.

I was giving at best 75%. I wonder if for one month I can give 150% every day.

I'll workout when I say I am going to.
I am going to go to an AA meeting.
I will meet new people through the running club and or creative writing club.
I will be a good parent to myself and keep getting into bed at 12.
I shall look at life with an open heart, being nice to everyone who deserves my kindness (there are the rare exceptions when shit is not cool and you gotta be a boss and straighten dat shiiiet out).

^wtf molly? ghetto as hell.

And lets say I fail at all of these...well gotta just get back on the horse (which after falling is honestly and literally incredibly hard to do especially when you feel like crying in the dirt arena).

You may see this as silly and stupid, but I feel unfulfilled. I wonder if you were to look at your own life what percentage you would give it. Are you living the life you want? Maybe or maybe not. The beautiful thing is that you can change all this.

And rest assured that I will have my moments of spit and fire and curse words. That happens every day. The thing you have to remember is to recover from your anger and keep going.