LA PASSION DE JEANNE D' ARC

I had to watch LA PASSION DE JEANNE D' ARC also known as The Passion of Joan of Arc by Carl Theodor Dreyer for one of my film classes. The film was released in 1928 and has since gone through a tumultuous life. In the beginning credits of the film it says how the original footage was lost in a fire as well as the second negative copy. Then in 1981 an original Danish copy of the film was found in a closet in a Norweigan Mental Institution (wtf?). Go figure. Anywho, I am very glad it was found! Not only was this movie unusual and interesting, it also evoked some sort of feeling from within. Maybe regret or introspection?

Regardless of the emotion, the 114 minute film was really just one long day. The whole movie is the sequence of events leading up to Joan of Arc's death. The movie starts from the point where she is in front of a judge to the end when she is burned at the stake(sorry, I just ruined it). Typically I would've expected for the movie to start with her engaging in acts that would lead her to be before the judges, but no, the whole movie was just an endless tug of war in one location. It was like one long scene.

So, let me give you a rundown of the plot. Joan of Arc is being accused of heresy because she believes that she was sent by God to rid France of the English. It also seemed to me that in the film the judges had a problem with her dressing like a man. Needless to say Joan of Arc was relentless. She never relinquished her true beliefs that she was the chosen one. The judges went as far as to say that she was being led by the devil in her acts. Yet, in the movie we see the judges falsify a document in order to make her revoke her original statement. Plus, they want to burn her at the stake! Who is really being led by the devil?

Anywho, I, myself have battled and played my own tug of war with my belief in God. I've been an atheist then agnostic then spiritual and now back to agnostic. Some may say "who cares", but my lack of belief in God, especially in high school had earned me distrust from others. I had a boy tell me multiple times that I was going to hell because I did not believe in God. I was ganged up on and somewhat coerced into going to church with friends. My dad is Jewish and my mom is Christian, but I never grew up with the stories of God. For a while I knew nothing about either religion. It didn't matter because I believed in evolution.

Now how this all relates to the film...
Well Joan of Arc was persecuted for her somewhat different beliefs, yet she still held in common with the judges and other commoners her belief in God. But they burned her. Burned her flesh to ash because it did not correspond with their exact idealogies of God's will. I believe there is a lot of hypocrisy in religion, not to mention, unlawful killing in the name of religion. Many times I have seen people preaching on SFSU and CSUF campus and I have mocked them and considered them ridiculous. I hate them. I do not need to be saved. You professing the word of God in a public place is certainly your inherent right, but something about it makes my skin crawl. I don't need someone to tell me what is real and what isn't. What is God and what is the devil. But, as I watched this film I said to myself, "maybe I am no better than those judges, laughing at Joan in her convictions, her passions, her everything." I also turned it around and said what if it is the world laughing at me for my lack of beliefs. Whichever way it is, I felt a passion I have never known for the adement believers. Who am I to judge them and who are they to judge me? I still don't agree with the whole preaching on campus thing, but I suppose I have a new respect for people who are concrete in their faith. I mean there is always a double edged sword. Look at the people who are so deep in their faith that they attach bombs to their chests, murdering senselessly.

I don't know if there is an answer to all the thoughts and questions, but I have a new respect for people who believe in what they want to despite what others say. Of course there is a limit to this and I still don't want you to tell me about God unless I ask you, but still. I found the film heartbreaking and enlightening.

I suggest it very much so. Don't be turned off by Joan's over exaggerated stares.

It is free to watch on Vimeo

here is the link... http://vimeo.com/25035903

In my life..

I've been browsing through pictures, reliving memories of everything. A lot of SF memories.

I miss jazzy so much. I miss the street lamps in the sunset glowing as I walked to my brother's house on 29th and Judah. I even miss dizzyingly walking and screaming and calling Chris cause I was so high on molly and liquor.

Yes, I was miserable. But, during the moments when I was high on whatever I could find, god fucking damn I was surely on top of the world. Nothing could stop me. Except maybe throwing up on myself on the muni (I know, super gross, but living the high life aint always clean).

After a friend breakup, jazzy was my shelter. She comforted me and made me start this new chapter of my life. She was my compatriot, my partner in crime. We fucked shit up and were beautiful while doing it. She also introduced me to Eric. Jedi tail man.

Point being, it hurts yet brings tears of happiness to my eyes to look back on this life style, these memories, the love I left behind, not to mention the pain.

I am not friends with these people. I don't know what they did yesterday or what they're doing now.

It's weird how life changes within a year. Your best friends are no longer even friends. merely strangers.

I will say looking back on these pictures makes me want to drink. Makes me want to be the fun, outgoing, funny, sexy, fun girl at the party all over again (I put fun in there twice! interesting). I still wish that one day I'll be able to control myself, but that day will never come until I accept myself. I am still very at odds with who I am and who I want to be and who I've pretended to be.

I love The Beatles of course. Rubber Soul is my favorite album. "My Life" is on there. The beginning is exactly how I feel

There are places I remember
All my life, though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I've loved them all

So there you go. I miss all these people.

I miss jazmine
I miss Maddy
I miss Dawn
I miss Dani
I miss Rashad a lot
I miss Jenn
I miss Jessica
I miss it all


My life changed in San Francisco. I changed for better or worse. Now, here I am sober and moderately happy.

sometimes I think I'd risk everything to go back to that time when my life was a constant party of crazy fun and memories I'll never forget.

are you getting WELLbutrin?

I feel like this post will either be extremely boring or somewhat educational.

I have depression. I take medication. I go to therapy. It has been like this since I was 15.

{go ahead and judge}

Anywho, I recently decided to cut ties with the guy who gives me drugs. Please note he is a licensed professional and not a thug (reading this 2nd time and is not that funny, I apologize). I made this decision because I was tired of him trying to add more drugs to my already full cocktail of wellbutrin,lexapro,lamictal.

It may sound like a lot to you. 3 pills?! They're milligrams. Relax.

So, long story short I say goodbye to old psychiatrist and say hello to a new one. He suggests that I up my wellbutrin which I was definitely okay with. I have a solid plateau of meds, I don't need to add more, lets just ya know rearrange them.

3 days of 300 mg of wellbutrin instead of 150.

HOLY FUCK.

It is as if I am a new woman. I am fucking happy and elated and excited and motivated. I couldn't help but smile the other day. I find more reasons to talk to people and I keep making weird sort of funny jokes. My attitude has changed. All I feel is happy.

Besides some side effects such as extremely dry mouth, I am also a bit more... twitchy, ocd, hyper, excited.

It's hard to explain, but imagine a cat who one day picks up a frisbee, throws it, wants to go on walks, jumps through hoops and just never stops. That's how drastic the change is. I am a crazy cat instead of a lazy cat.

PLUS, I am no longer lethargic. I woke up at 9 am this morning. 9 am! People who know me would be shocked. Typically I sleep till 1 or 2pm.

Why am I writing this? Because I feel like this is a sham. Are people always this happy? Is this what I've been missing out on?

And...
What is the price you pay for happiness. I am not talking dollar signs. It's more like, though I am happy, I am sort of/have become overtly hyper.

You may say this isn't a bad thing. It's a great thing. I feel the same way. But I am gaining happiness while also gaining shakes, twitches and sometimes racing heartbeat. It freaks me out a bit.

Wellbutrin in particular affects the dopamine neurotransmitter, therefore, this might indicate that I am/was dopamine deficient.

I am of course going to talk to my new doctor about all this, but I thought it would an interesting read for people with depression who take this and or other medications.

Just some thoughts. I have never been this happy before. It's odd.

a hard drive

My computer has hardly any space left on it which makes me sad and disgruntled cause this means I am going to have to load a shit ton of shit onto an external hard drive. Shit takes time. Plus, I am always afraid I'll lose the external hard drive (I lose everything at least once, lost my virginity and I never found it! hardy har har) or have some freak accident where somehow the files don't transfer at all and merely disappear into cyber reality {cue twilight zone music}.

This is the least pressing thing on my mind.

I guess I just feel in a weird space right now. I feel lonely, but not in the "where is my significant other way?!?!" It's more like...where the fuck are all my friends?

Two in Arizona.
One in San Diego.
One in L.A. .
One in West Covina.
One in Pasadena.
Many in SF.

It's just like my friends are fucking nowhere. Spread the fuck out. Dots on a map. The friends I have here are awesome, but sometimes I feel burdensome to them. Like a leech suckling on as much friend blood as I can. I never feel burdensome when I am with Erin or Bree. I've known them too long to feel like a burden, mainly cause I know I am annoying/a burden but we are all okay with it. I wish I could make more friends here, but at this age making friends doesn't work like it did in elementary school or even in high school (middle school doesn't count because it was too awkward of a time).

Like, for instance, I meet a cool girl in my ____ class. I leave class, but turn around to say, "hey if you ever want to hangout some time just let me know." It's CREEPY. So instead I just add them on facebook.

I don't know. I've never been good at making friends which is odd because I believe it to be such a natural and easy thing. Maybe people just don't like me? Now I'm being over dramatic.

Anywho, so I'm lonely and I am on this new tirade about being single, young, and horny. Like I feel very open to the idea of hooking up with multiple people in one night. If anything it reminds me of my old ways, the past Molly, looking for herself in others.

I don't know. It's weird to feel this way since I've always secretly wanted an undying lovey dovey relationship. This feeling of being wild and free feels like a sham. Underneath I am about to turn into crazy lady and grasp on to you because I've decided you are "the one."

The most eloquent way I can put my sexual history and heartbreak without naming names (but stayed tuned cause somehow I always let things slip) is from one of my very very favorite movies. 2 Days in Paris.

Julie Delpy's character relives her past relationships with these words:

"Almost. Always the same for me. Break up, break down. Drunk up, fool around. Meet one guy, then another, fuck around. Forget the one and only. Then after a few months of total emptiness start again to look for true love, desperately look everywhere and after two years of loneliness meet a new love and swear it is the one, until that one is gone as well. There's a moment in life where you can't recover any more from another break-up. And even if this person bugs you sixty percent of the time, well you still can't live without him. And even if he wakes you up every day by sneezing right in your face, well you love his sneezes more than anyone else's kisses. "

Jesus Christ that's beautiful.

She is another one of my idols.

Anywho. bottom line. I need to load up my hard drive.

read with sarcasm

Life right now is kind of overwhelmingly shitty.

Now on a positive note, I am completely desperate for kinky sex, actually just any sex.
Sorry, just being honest here.

It is really not attractive, being as desperate as I am, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

I mean I am not looking for a boyfriend. I am just looking for a lil dickation.

Yup, dickation {dick vacation}.

And about every guy in the OC sucks a fat cock or knows the last guy I slept with because they met in high school or some bull shit like that. So really I have no expectations, except maybe to get an orgasm.

I mean if I am not using drugs or alcohol I still need something to fill the void, right?

Read this with a sarcastic tone. Then again sarcasm holds truth.

Blah what a week and a half this has been.

If only I could have kinky amazing sex and figure out an amazing feature film idea.

Dancing like the weird mother fucker that I am last night definitely helped me forget about everything, still, this pussy needs a good time.

Alright.