The start of an end.

Here I am and it's almost the end. I have two more finals to go and then I leave San Francisco on Sunday. It will be the end of a journey and yet the starting of a new one. One right after the other. I have to say I haven't been this excited since I knew I was coming to San Francisco in the first place for college and now I am so freaking elated to be leaving. Don't get me wrong, San Francisco has taught me so much, things that I would have never experienced and learned if I would have stayed in Mission Viejo. San Francisco is alive in beauty, culture, life and just spectacularness! I will miss San Francisco but I have to leave, it's that gut feeling that's confirming that I am right and that this decision is right for me. A part of me will stay here buried deep somewhere, probably in Stern Grove :)

Over the past few weeks I have been reading The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion which is about the year leading up to her husband's death and the time she spends grieving afterwards. I decided to read it after I saw Michelle Williams talking about it and how she read it after Heath Ledger's death. My grandpa passed away last year and it was a dark time for a while.

Joan Didion's novel is poignant mainly because of her cyclic, somewhat drawn out, first hand account of her husband's death. I say cyclic because the book can get very boring and repetitive at times for someone who has never experienced the loss of someone close to them. For those who have experienced that kind of loss you are able to understand and go through the motions with her.
That is what it feels like when someone like that passes, time starts going on without you. You stay stagnant in your grief while life just passes you by. You can't seem to get yourself out of bed, yet the world goes on, the sun still rises and falls without you.

Didion repeats in her mind the phrase, And then--gone.
This happened, that happened and then gone. Things can go prematurely with no warning, some things die slowly, both are considerably painful but the most painful is the fact that everything dies, everything goes. The fact of life, the circle of life, but fortunately yet maybe unfortunately we never know when.

And then--gone.

My point is I don't want to waste anymore time trying to be something or someone I am not. I am now in attempts to try and take on film, cinema, screenwriting and it's not going to be easy. Nothing ever is easy. I know I have a lot of passion and I know I can do it and make it amazing whether given the chance or not. I am just a bit nervous because I have seen friends put so much work/passion/drive into something and still fail. I know failure is part of the game and that you have to keep going, keep trying and pushing. I don't want to forget all this and hopefully I won't especially since this is where the fire live, the passion, the monster :)

plus you never know when

And then--gone.

That's why you must live the way you want to live everyday. Make the most of it.

Stigma

They will never know us,
never understand us.
Are we the chosen or the damned?
The ones who know the blood of these waters and the cuts of the land
Times like this we are the damned.
Yet we know the beauty, destruction, misery and creation.
We were chosen to bear the weight of man,
am I the chosen or am I the damned?

We see what you will never see
burnt and sealed, we are the damned.

Loss

Thank you Aisha and Casey for the helpful words of support and wisdom, the thoughts in this blog were inspired by what you two said :)

He said parting words. The few sentences were abstract, stupid, empty, thoughtless words that you would say to a stranger. I gasped for air.
I had lost.
For once I did not escape the repercussions of my actions. After every god damn mistake I have made never have I made one like this because never before have I hurt someone I have cared so deeply for. I have always hurt myself or just someone in passing that I could live without but now it is different, I hurt someone I love. When you hurt yourself or make a mistake you can forgive or beat yourself up for a while and then get over it. When you hurt someone else you apologize and well that's all and even time can't heal everything.

My throat started to close like I had some affliction or disease come on suddenly. My heart, an abstract curved shape of an anatomical organ stuttered for a beat. It broke for a second. I felt a piece of it fade into the abyss of my surrounding body. Forget me. Forget me. Then the tears welled and tried to distract me from the ache in my chest and maybe their purpose was to even heal the sting; the phoenix tears of humanity. They were a physical reminder of what was actually happening... loss, mistakes, regret. People say live life without regrets. I say regret yet learn and move forward. I have lost something special but from it I hope to learn and though that's no replacement for what is now gone at least it's comfort of progress.

Life can suck. Today sucked. I lost you, my best friend up here. There's no excuse for my actions and that's why my simple apology and maybe the thought that you know I have gained insight from this will not suffice nor make things better but I suppose leave things better than I left them on Saturday. Love you Rashady.


Let it be.

Messiness

A part of me wants to disconnect all of this... the facebook, the twitter, the iphone, the iphone apps, the texts, the email, all of it. Let me live this solitude. It's funny because times like this when I feel incredibly alone, all this fucking technology surrounds me and yet I feel I can't communicate properly with anyone. Oh the irony. So if I am going to be lonely then let me really be alone because all these fake little vessels of communication just complicate shit. You want me, then call me or write me a god damn letter. But then again this is how the 21st century communicates and networks with each other. It's how one gets on top. I want to be on top.

It's just one of those moments where I feel like I could be atop a mountain screaming, vibrating my vocal chords till breakage and still no one would hear. Why? People got their own shit going on and my shit is not as important and rightfully so because truthfully it's stuff that will be tomorrows joke.

I just keep messing everything up. Trial, error. Trial, error. I am tired of being a shameful sham homewrecking mam and see I was doing so well and now I am back in the barracks again.

You ever just want to reach out to someone you don't know? They seem so ideal... they don't really know you, don't know your past, don't know your present nor future.. they are just there with you unattached yet attached in a way that is healthily unbinding.

I don't know maybe this is just an accumulation of everything but I am basically sick and tired of everyone. I'd rip them all out on this blog here but I've learned better. But maybe I'm the one who needs a good slap in the face, you know a good, "hey look at yourself in the mirror bitch." I don't know. All I can say is that this post is pathetically stupid.

by the way.. lover boy.. darren criss... can't really sing.. well

sad day

:(