Loveless

At the end of my last post I made the comment that I don't currently like anyone romantically. For anyone who has known me for a while would take this comment as a true shock cause Molly always has a guy on the line that she is either dating, fucking, liking, or fooling around with before she jumps on her decided prey. Never has Molly not been in this high school state of mind where she is balancing boys as she tries to balance her books. I have to admit that that attitude or lifestyle kind of followed me into college (or maybe I specifically pack it in my suitcase). I was the boy obsessed girl. You could always and probably still can come to me for a good story about some guy that did this or that. It's funny because while I am not involved with anyone, my beautiful friend Madelaine is kind of seeing someone. It is only funny because it feels like we've swapped positions, the offense is now the defense and vice versa. I told Madelaine it was because guys are finally realizing what an amazing person she is because they have finally taken off their "I am a stupid douche bag high school boy" goggles to see the beauty radiates in her and all around her. I love Maddy she is one of the best people I know and to see her kind of reach towards this new happiness in her life is sweet. Does this mean people are finally taking of their goggles and realizing I am too crazy for love? I guess I just have some woes about this state I am in. I feel like I will never love, never find someone who loves me for all my bull shit and all my lovely shit. Someone who sees the flaws as beauties and the beauties as extra bonuses. I have met a lot of guys and at one point I think I thought I loved him and maybe at the time I did but now of course I don't feel that way at all. I look back and say I loved him then and now, now I realize I hardly knew him. But that's young love, right? You are so infatuated with someone that you start to believe it is love. The reason why we make this mistake is purely because of lack of experience loving a significant other (not your Mom, Dad, or dog). So maybe I am at this place now where I have experienced enough to realize that I truly don't like anyone. I have no chemistry that is enough to start a relationship with someone. I mean there was this one guy but in heart of trying to keep it a healthy, festering friendship I told him I only wanted to be friends. Yet, I find myself thinking about him and others and past lovers more and more. Why not him? "You never really gave it a chance Molly." There I go again. I think it boils down to me not wanting to be alone ( Yay! I am finally differentiating those feelings from others! ). As an individual I value my alone time a whole heck of a lot but then why do I feel this need to be talking to a guy or with a guy or liking a guy? In the end, another one bites the dust. They never seem to last long and that's why I wanted to keep my friendship with this one guy because he's a good guy and I try to tell myself that his friendship is more valuable than his dick. Truly I feel like it is either or... friendship or sex. And there is no in between for me no matter what I drunkenly tell you. I can not have friends with benefits because I, 99% of the time end up developing feelings for that someone while they feel nothing ( or some other reason, e.g. don't like me enough to do the distance ). I hate the people who can have fun and be unattached. This guy who is semi-infamous at SFSU for multiple reasons, fucks a ton of girls (don't quote me, not sure if he is still doing this) and walks away seeming to be unscathed. He walks away without attachment. He is the epitome of a friend with benefits guy if you can handle the whole, I am only having sex with you to have a good time but hey I think you're cool too. At first I hated him and now in some crazy parallel universe I look at him and wish I could have it to; that ability to walk away without getting attached and get some pleasure on top of it all. Maybe there's a secret to his madness. I don't know him well enough to even guess or ask for my own observations to add to my lab manual. But, lately as I mentioned I have been thinking why haven't I said yes to some certain guys. Then I ask myself, "Do you just like the idea of having someone?" I feel like Meg Ryan's friend in the movie, When Harry Met Sally who always believes the married man she is having an affair with will leave his wife for her. I feel like I am always constantly grabbing out into the sea of men (hahahha ... you get it ?) to grab my next victim (I am sure some of my exes would explain it that way). Maybe it's biology, our need for companionship, a mate to reproduce with. I don't know. I don't know how to separate biology from what I really want and need. I feel loveless. I feel like I am going to end up alone with a bunch of dogs in a big house being successful, single and fun loving (sounds nice doesn't it?) OR alone in a small janky apartment in a sketch neighborhood with a bottle of wine in my bag and a can of mace in hand (always be prepared) while watching reruns of I love Lucy. Some of the most undesirable people find love, their soul mates. Am I that undesirable that I can't hold a relationship for more than 3 months? Yes I do have self esteem issues very much. And as RuPaul quoted at an end of an episode of RuPaul's Drage Race, "If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?" Ahh so true skinny man with big wig and penciled in eyebrows. Truly, drag queens are kind of amazing when you think about it, or at least I think so. So here I am, sitting alone (because I choose to be) thinking about how I could possibly ever find the true love, the one that everybody talks about, the ones that you read about in books and watch in movies, in my future. Who needs a husband anyways? Will I or won't I? Does it really matter?

Sorry, this is more of a bitch/rant/moan than my other posts are even though I think every post has a tad bit of self pity in it.


I feel better but now all I want is chocolate. No love just chocolate.

Grasping at pebbles when you know you need to be moving mountains

I feel compelled to write, almost as if my fingers were obligated to touch every key as fast as my brain can carry them just so that I can get this all out in one piece/peace (I feel like both could be used in this situation). I am enthralled like a magician is when he fools his audience, "ahhhh, you will never know!" I am not enthralled because I have secrets but more so because I have discoveries. Jesus rice my fingers are colliding because my brain is working faster than my hands (I have truly never been a strong typer despite that typing computer program that was drilled into me at Castille)

So I felt like shit starting from last weekend to maybe this afternoon because of a mishap I guess you could say or kink in the chain or a rock in my path or (___any other semi euphemism___). Anywho the thing that put me out and under was I slapped someone, well that someone being my ex boyfriend Eric. I don't know why I did, mainly because I was highly intoxicated and don't remember ( what a surprise...not ). I was playing the role of the drunken crying shit show that night and well Eric was my first pick when deciding whose night I should fuck with. Maybe he provoked me or threatened me... truly I have no idea and seeing that he didn't try to make any contact with me during the parts of the night I do remember, well I can only speculate that he was just as quiet as a mouse. So I had one of the worst nights ever and I moped around, boohooing for myself about what a fuckup I was and then I stopped taking my pills. I didn't intentionally stop taking them, it's just I forgot and after a certain time if I haven't take them then I can't because of medical blood level shit. If you don't know I take anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication and have been for about 4ish years now. I take lexapro, wellbutrin, and lamictal ( Plus Xanex for extreme emergencies ) Yup I am part of doped up America. Back to the story if you please. After multiple times of slapping Eric and then having my brothers roommate Chris come pick me up because I was in such a state of mind I woke up to realize that I felt like shit.

This is an excerpt from how I felt in a draft for a blog that I ended up not posting

So, I made a mistake like anybody else. I did something that can't can't be taken back. This isn't one of those moments where you can say you didn't mean it because you did, I did. I meant every bit of rage, hate and pain that surged through my hand that consequently hit his face. I hit him multiple times. Maybe this wouldn't be a big deal for somebody else but it is for me. I feel like a demented child that tortures animals when they're little and are therefore taken to multiple psychiatrists because they're doomed to be a serial killer. I mean you see the girls in the movies do exactly what I did, SLAP, and they feel so fulfilled and amazing after, like they have accomplished the unaccomplishable.

Yeahh unaccomplishable is not a word...

Point is, I gained nothing from slapping him besides the new found pearls of wisdom that made me realize that
1. I have/ had a lot of pent up anger towards Eric.
2. I have a problem with alcohol and self preservation.
3. This is not who I want to be. I don't want to be someone who thinks physical violence will solve things nor do I want to be someone who engages in that kind of primitive behavior. I am not a fighter, I am a lover. End of story... violence ( any form ) is wrong and truthfully I am ashamed at my actions.


So here it is everyone... my excavation of "why?"

I have/had pent up anger towards Eric because when I broke up with I gave the reason that, " I need to concentrate on my school work." That isn't to say that was a fabrication but it definitely wasn't the whole truth. He made me feel insignificant, like a little ant he was waiting to crush beneath his chukka boots or whatever the fuck they are called and he made me feel not good enough for the oh so godly Eric. Seriously that boy has an ego that could reach to no-man's land. But all this was never said. I remember thinking that this was an easier truth. But truthfully, in the end it wasn't any easier. I guess it's obvious that the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me Yod ( yes I purposely put Yod )is typically the way to go. So first thing I learned was the truth will set you free when you use your ability to relinquish it at the proper times. And, I learned that I never want to hit/slap anyone out of anger again just because I am too damn drunk to know any better.

Next topic. Alcohol. Blame it on the al-al-alc-alc-alcohol. I have gone to AA meetings before and truly they have never worked for me for various reasons but that could be another blog within itself so I will save my few readers from a lengthy explanation. I guess it comes down to a few things... I am not okay with myself, I drink to fit in, I drink because I want to run away from all the bad feelings that fester inside of me, I drink because I don't want to be the person not drinking, I drink because I want to be loose and free willed, I drink because I don't know what else to do. This sounds like those groups in high schools that talks about drinking.. all whiny and shit. Basically all these wants and needs can be fixed without drinking. Now, I am not everyone. There are so many people who can drink and have a grand ole' time... I am just saying that that is not me because about 9.9 out of 10 times a night of heavy drinking ends badly for me in one way or another. So what am I to do? I hate to disappoint but truly, I am not sure yet. I could go back to AA meetings but I don't want to so maybe not. I also know that if I put some thought into why I choose alcohol over self preservation, I might be able to figure my shit out. So for now I'll admit that I am unsure and don't know what to do, which for right now is totally okay.

So in continuing on, with the fact that I hadn't taken my pills for a few days (and trust me a few days makes a shit ton of difference) I wanted to comatose or get out of this world last night. All I wanted was to forget how disgusted and upset I had made myself and just fucking get away. Turn my back on it all for a measly I don't know 24 hours or 48? I started drinking, not sipping, my liquid promethesine codeine from SFSU health center... thank you... in hopes of blanking out or something of the sort. I was not, I repeat, I was not trying to commit suicide, I merely wanted to go on a vacation in paradise with no worries. Hakuna Matata :) Anywho I quickly realized that I always try to run away from my problems instead of dealing with them. I constantly think that running away will solve things, as if I was to wake up in a better, perfect world without my insignificant yet significant to me troubles. I called my savior, my mother, and she talked me down, she healed my wounds, she did what any mother should do... love me unconditionally till it hurt. Moments like these I can honestly say I am so glad that I have a relationship with both my mom and dad because too often have I seen people disconnected with their parents and I just bask in the fact that I am sooo lucky to have them by me every step of the way. I would not be able to do it without them. So I came down from my hysterics and fell asleep. Sorry there's no crazy ending but I woke up feeling just the same this morning, empty. I felt empty, so distressed from all the overwhelming aspects of life that I just couldn't even fathom a smile. But as the day went on I worked out at the gym, ate pizza, and watched glee... therefore I instantly felt better. I also felt better for another few reasons.

Today I met a girl, Lindsey, at the SFSU Student Health Center peer nutrition health clinic thingy which I need to do for one of my classes and she was my actual health advisor. Anywho, at the end of the session she commented on my tattoo of, "Love" on my wrist. She went on to explain that that is how she lost her dad. At the moment it didn't affect me like it has now.

I am one of the lucky, one of the ones who didn't succeed and maybe I am being melodramatic but more than ever there have been an increased number of suicides among young people. This is so sickening to me because I was one of those people who felt worthless, empty, ugly, lonely and I know what it is like to try and crawl your way through that dark tunnel, grasping at pebbles when you know you need to be moving mountains. I know. And to think that there is just another person that lived but didn't really get to LIVE because they were pained with something so unbearable that this life was not worth it. It makes me want to do something. Maybe educate people and give them resources because when I was in high school mental diseases affecting young peoples wasn't a concept that I could form in my mind. Will I do anything? I will.

I feel like I have explored a lot tonight but definitely not enough because I still gots a long way to go. But for anyone who is reading this I thank you for taking the time to read my psychoanalysis and probably boring account of my life of trials and tribulations.


I am me
strong
funny
sensitive and sometimes oversensitive
empowered
lovely
creative
daring
sparkling
me


also another change in my life right now... I have no feelings for any guy... I mean romantic feelings. I don't think I have ever not liked someone. But now I am free and freedom feels good.
:)

Vacant

Here's where I tell you all my secrets.
Everything you ever wanted to know, you now know.
I am an empty shell with nothing to hold. My body has escaped me again and my soul free floats before waking eyes, burning, twisting, withering in the burnt rays of sunlight.
The shell stays empty, waiting for the next visitor to inhabit and destroy its surroundings.
That's what you have done and you can't even cry and use your broken tears to fix this. Irrevocable. The ocean holds you up while the currents brush you off. But still you're in the same state of mind that landed you here. Lets blame it all on them. Sit, wait, and do nothing while the world speeds against you, behind you, without you. If only you could create yourself again with the rocks that never balance on each other. At least then you'd be trying. But all you're is vacant. Vacancy the sign will shine beneath the crystal waters that ripple away the death and dying.

mini poem

she beat me to it
she stole your heart before I could even touch it
before I could make an impression on it
cause she swims in and out of your dreams
a siren luring you down to the depths
seducing you back in
and here we are together in the same boat
trying to find my reflection in the ripples of the ocean
searching for something to have meaning again
punch me and make me feel cause I am numb without him


a slice of how I might be feeling

I have nothing to write... I thought I did and now I just can't put it all into words.