This week, this month, has been overloaded with disappointing news and it has within the past 48 hours only gotten worse.
It is odd because just a month ago I felt on top of the world with an internship in hand, a job landed and dreams that needed to be tended to. Here I am now upset, devastated, distraught, discouraged and all together just ready to give up. For fuck sake I haven't really created anything in so long.
I feel empty like a tomb.
No ideas.
No hope.
No vacancy
No time.
I found out that my best friends mom, who I consider my second mom, most likely had her hip broken by a tumor. About 5 years ago she was diagnosed with GBM, a very debilitating type of brain cancer. This tumor or mass in her hip is not the GBM but as a result of her chemo and radiation treatments for her GBM it has made her more susceptible to getting cancer. And now after all this time of happiness and good health she is back in the hospital, in pain, possibly with more cancer.
My other second mom was diagnosed with breast cancer a month ago and had a double mastectomy. She had to have reconstructive surgery and does not have any feeling in her new breasts. We found out their dog died today. I loved Radar. As if the breast cancer wasn't enough.
Cancer took my grandfather away from me a year ago in May.
Cancer. Cancer. Cancer.
Death. Death. Death.
It has been a constant fucking reminder like a bird chirping in my ear saying, "life is not everlasting," or "life isn't fair."
I want to squish that fucking bird.
I remember when my grammie got breast cancer. I was young when it happened and at that point, to me it didn't even seem that prevalent (probably because my young age). And now it seems like no matter what age you are, you are at risk of getting cancer.
All I can think about is when will I have to endure another death in my family like my grandfathers because though not blood related both those women are just as close to me as any relative. I think of how I will react when I get the news or where I will be. I know...morbid. But I figured out this is how I brace myself for the reality of the situation. This is how I prepare myself for the worst. I find it nearly impossible at times to think positive because I don't believe in miracles, I don't believe God is listening to my good thoughts, I don't believe that I can do anything to help. But it is funny because I find that a positive attitude is key to getting through most things, even illnesses, not because it has magical powers but because of its biological powers. Somehow I find cancer so deafening to life that any positiveness is just drowned out immediately, regardless.
And to add to it all I have been so busy and out of sync that I haven't been writing, painting, or photographing anything. I made a schedule hoping to get on track with this creative stuff. I am going to try and turn my negatives into positives. I am going to try and workout too.
But mostly in all this pain and sadness, I feel alone. I wish there were people outside to comfort me or to tell me it will all be okay.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Monday, May 16, 2011
The start of an end.
Here I am and it's almost the end. I have two more finals to go and then I leave San Francisco on Sunday. It will be the end of a journey and yet the starting of a new one. One right after the other. I have to say I haven't been this excited since I knew I was coming to San Francisco in the first place for college and now I am so freaking elated to be leaving. Don't get me wrong, San Francisco has taught me so much, things that I would have never experienced and learned if I would have stayed in Mission Viejo. San Francisco is alive in beauty, culture, life and just spectacularness! I will miss San Francisco but I have to leave, it's that gut feeling that's confirming that I am right and that this decision is right for me. A part of me will stay here buried deep somewhere, probably in Stern Grove :)
Over the past few weeks I have been reading The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion which is about the year leading up to her husband's death and the time she spends grieving afterwards. I decided to read it after I saw Michelle Williams talking about it and how she read it after Heath Ledger's death. My grandpa passed away last year and it was a dark time for a while.
Joan Didion's novel is poignant mainly because of her cyclic, somewhat drawn out, first hand account of her husband's death. I say cyclic because the book can get very boring and repetitive at times for someone who has never experienced the loss of someone close to them. For those who have experienced that kind of loss you are able to understand and go through the motions with her.
That is what it feels like when someone like that passes, time starts going on without you. You stay stagnant in your grief while life just passes you by. You can't seem to get yourself out of bed, yet the world goes on, the sun still rises and falls without you.
Didion repeats in her mind the phrase, And then--gone.
This happened, that happened and then gone. Things can go prematurely with no warning, some things die slowly, both are considerably painful but the most painful is the fact that everything dies, everything goes. The fact of life, the circle of life, but fortunately yet maybe unfortunately we never know when.
And then--gone.
My point is I don't want to waste anymore time trying to be something or someone I am not. I am now in attempts to try and take on film, cinema, screenwriting and it's not going to be easy. Nothing ever is easy. I know I have a lot of passion and I know I can do it and make it amazing whether given the chance or not. I am just a bit nervous because I have seen friends put so much work/passion/drive into something and still fail. I know failure is part of the game and that you have to keep going, keep trying and pushing. I don't want to forget all this and hopefully I won't especially since this is where the fire live, the passion, the monster :)
plus you never know when
And then--gone.
That's why you must live the way you want to live everyday. Make the most of it.
Over the past few weeks I have been reading The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion which is about the year leading up to her husband's death and the time she spends grieving afterwards. I decided to read it after I saw Michelle Williams talking about it and how she read it after Heath Ledger's death. My grandpa passed away last year and it was a dark time for a while.
Joan Didion's novel is poignant mainly because of her cyclic, somewhat drawn out, first hand account of her husband's death. I say cyclic because the book can get very boring and repetitive at times for someone who has never experienced the loss of someone close to them. For those who have experienced that kind of loss you are able to understand and go through the motions with her.
That is what it feels like when someone like that passes, time starts going on without you. You stay stagnant in your grief while life just passes you by. You can't seem to get yourself out of bed, yet the world goes on, the sun still rises and falls without you.
Didion repeats in her mind the phrase, And then--gone.
This happened, that happened and then gone. Things can go prematurely with no warning, some things die slowly, both are considerably painful but the most painful is the fact that everything dies, everything goes. The fact of life, the circle of life, but fortunately yet maybe unfortunately we never know when.
And then--gone.
My point is I don't want to waste anymore time trying to be something or someone I am not. I am now in attempts to try and take on film, cinema, screenwriting and it's not going to be easy. Nothing ever is easy. I know I have a lot of passion and I know I can do it and make it amazing whether given the chance or not. I am just a bit nervous because I have seen friends put so much work/passion/drive into something and still fail. I know failure is part of the game and that you have to keep going, keep trying and pushing. I don't want to forget all this and hopefully I won't especially since this is where the fire live, the passion, the monster :)
plus you never know when
And then--gone.
That's why you must live the way you want to live everyday. Make the most of it.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Stigma
They will never know us,
never understand us.
Are we the chosen or the damned?
The ones who know the blood of these waters and the cuts of the land
Times like this we are the damned.
Yet we know the beauty, destruction, misery and creation.
We were chosen to bear the weight of man,
am I the chosen or am I the damned?
We see what you will never see
burnt and sealed, we are the damned.
never understand us.
Are we the chosen or the damned?
The ones who know the blood of these waters and the cuts of the land
Times like this we are the damned.
Yet we know the beauty, destruction, misery and creation.
We were chosen to bear the weight of man,
am I the chosen or am I the damned?
We see what you will never see
burnt and sealed, we are the damned.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Loss
Thank you Aisha and Casey for the helpful words of support and wisdom, the thoughts in this blog were inspired by what you two said :)
He said parting words. The few sentences were abstract, stupid, empty, thoughtless words that you would say to a stranger. I gasped for air.
I had lost.
For once I did not escape the repercussions of my actions. After every god damn mistake I have made never have I made one like this because never before have I hurt someone I have cared so deeply for. I have always hurt myself or just someone in passing that I could live without but now it is different, I hurt someone I love. When you hurt yourself or make a mistake you can forgive or beat yourself up for a while and then get over it. When you hurt someone else you apologize and well that's all and even time can't heal everything.
My throat started to close like I had some affliction or disease come on suddenly. My heart, an abstract curved shape of an anatomical organ stuttered for a beat. It broke for a second. I felt a piece of it fade into the abyss of my surrounding body. Forget me. Forget me. Then the tears welled and tried to distract me from the ache in my chest and maybe their purpose was to even heal the sting; the phoenix tears of humanity. They were a physical reminder of what was actually happening... loss, mistakes, regret. People say live life without regrets. I say regret yet learn and move forward. I have lost something special but from it I hope to learn and though that's no replacement for what is now gone at least it's comfort of progress.
Life can suck. Today sucked. I lost you, my best friend up here. There's no excuse for my actions and that's why my simple apology and maybe the thought that you know I have gained insight from this will not suffice nor make things better but I suppose leave things better than I left them on Saturday. Love you Rashady.
Let it be.
He said parting words. The few sentences were abstract, stupid, empty, thoughtless words that you would say to a stranger. I gasped for air.
I had lost.
For once I did not escape the repercussions of my actions. After every god damn mistake I have made never have I made one like this because never before have I hurt someone I have cared so deeply for. I have always hurt myself or just someone in passing that I could live without but now it is different, I hurt someone I love. When you hurt yourself or make a mistake you can forgive or beat yourself up for a while and then get over it. When you hurt someone else you apologize and well that's all and even time can't heal everything.
My throat started to close like I had some affliction or disease come on suddenly. My heart, an abstract curved shape of an anatomical organ stuttered for a beat. It broke for a second. I felt a piece of it fade into the abyss of my surrounding body. Forget me. Forget me. Then the tears welled and tried to distract me from the ache in my chest and maybe their purpose was to even heal the sting; the phoenix tears of humanity. They were a physical reminder of what was actually happening... loss, mistakes, regret. People say live life without regrets. I say regret yet learn and move forward. I have lost something special but from it I hope to learn and though that's no replacement for what is now gone at least it's comfort of progress.
Life can suck. Today sucked. I lost you, my best friend up here. There's no excuse for my actions and that's why my simple apology and maybe the thought that you know I have gained insight from this will not suffice nor make things better but I suppose leave things better than I left them on Saturday. Love you Rashady.
Let it be.
Messiness
A part of me wants to disconnect all of this... the facebook, the twitter, the iphone, the iphone apps, the texts, the email, all of it. Let me live this solitude. It's funny because times like this when I feel incredibly alone, all this fucking technology surrounds me and yet I feel I can't communicate properly with anyone. Oh the irony. So if I am going to be lonely then let me really be alone because all these fake little vessels of communication just complicate shit. You want me, then call me or write me a god damn letter. But then again this is how the 21st century communicates and networks with each other. It's how one gets on top. I want to be on top.
It's just one of those moments where I feel like I could be atop a mountain screaming, vibrating my vocal chords till breakage and still no one would hear. Why? People got their own shit going on and my shit is not as important and rightfully so because truthfully it's stuff that will be tomorrows joke.
I just keep messing everything up. Trial, error. Trial, error. I am tired of being a shameful sham homewrecking mam and see I was doing so well and now I am back in the barracks again.
You ever just want to reach out to someone you don't know? They seem so ideal... they don't really know you, don't know your past, don't know your present nor future.. they are just there with you unattached yet attached in a way that is healthily unbinding.
I don't know maybe this is just an accumulation of everything but I am basically sick and tired of everyone. I'd rip them all out on this blog here but I've learned better. But maybe I'm the one who needs a good slap in the face, you know a good, "hey look at yourself in the mirror bitch." I don't know. All I can say is that this post is pathetically stupid.
by the way.. lover boy.. darren criss... can't really sing.. well
sad day
:(
It's just one of those moments where I feel like I could be atop a mountain screaming, vibrating my vocal chords till breakage and still no one would hear. Why? People got their own shit going on and my shit is not as important and rightfully so because truthfully it's stuff that will be tomorrows joke.
I just keep messing everything up. Trial, error. Trial, error. I am tired of being a shameful sham homewrecking mam and see I was doing so well and now I am back in the barracks again.
You ever just want to reach out to someone you don't know? They seem so ideal... they don't really know you, don't know your past, don't know your present nor future.. they are just there with you unattached yet attached in a way that is healthily unbinding.
I don't know maybe this is just an accumulation of everything but I am basically sick and tired of everyone. I'd rip them all out on this blog here but I've learned better. But maybe I'm the one who needs a good slap in the face, you know a good, "hey look at yourself in the mirror bitch." I don't know. All I can say is that this post is pathetically stupid.
by the way.. lover boy.. darren criss... can't really sing.. well
sad day
:(
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Contradiction
It's funny because I mentioned "contradictions" in my last blog and now here it crops up again. I recently have been telling myself that my new motto is, "no fear!" (despite the fact that it reminds me of the fucking clothing brand) and that "life is too short to not take chances!" Today and over the past few days I have found myself in fear. Deep fear. That fear you get when you're walking up the stairs and you misstep where your foot hardly touches the next stair. Suddenly through that misstep you feel like you're going to fall backwards. Your stomach jumps and you hope to God there's a banister to your right side that you can grab so it will save you. I feel like I could fall backwards, that's my fear. Fall back into who I used to be, to what I used to do, how I used to act. Over the past few weeks my life has changed a good amount. I am mostly sober. I have smoked twice over the past 2 weekends. I haven't had a drink, as far as I can remember, since spring break and even over spring break I didn't drink heavily at all. I don't go out much. I mainly only hang out with people I trust and love up here in San Francisco which isn't many. I typically stay in and watch movies, do homework, write, read and workout. If you're reading this you might be saying, "shit, she's a fucking loser." And, my response is, "maybe I am a fucking loser but I can honestly say I am really happy for once and very excited for my future." This elatedness is definitely a result of my increased soberness and the other changes I have made such as letting go of the things I cannot control in my life and only dealing with the things I can.
This blog is not intended to preach to you. I only intend to explain myself because although I am happy I still have fears, I still worry and I want to emphasize the reason/importance of the changes I am going through.
Lately, I have been asked to hangout with certain people. Somehow I come up with one reason or another to deny them. "I have a lot of homework to do,""I am busy this weekend but maybe next weekend,""I'd love to but I already have plans." Mostly white lies or complete lies. These certain people are all men or boys or whatever. I have found I don't want to be around any guys. I don't want to talk to guys that I don't already trust, know, and love. I apologize for being this way but I can't risk disappointment right now. One day, hopefully soon, I'll be able to open my heart back up but for now I don't want any guy near it. Not because you have all trampled over it but simply because I can't win at it and it gets to a point where you're done trying to make things work. And even friendships with guys right now seem disgusting to me because I am so tired of dealing with "it", everything that comes with "it." And I have to say most of "it" is brought on by me :) It goes something like this... We are friends, we hookup, and you either A)Don't like me and just want to fuck me B)Do like me and still want to fuck me C)Do like me but I don't like you D)Don't like me and want me out of your life but I become very attached/psycho/needy. Anywho, I can't do it because I am afraid I'll go back to being the old me because the old me thrives off of disappointment and misery and that's how everything I start with guys ends. That's probably the most honest thing I know about myself. So I am sorry if I have shut you out.
So I guess what I am trying to say is that I am a contradiction to my own self proclaimed motto. I don't want to be, but I figure there are things to be fearful of and things to take chances on. I believe love is something that you should always take a chance on but sometimes things have to be at the right place and at the right time. All in all this blog might just be for myself, saying, "Molly you are able to admit to yourself that you need to be cautious in your fragile state of mind because for you it can be fleeting. But, this in itself shows you're not fearful of one day being happy because you know in order to succeed you have to be smart about your mind/health/life/love/etc." And, in the past I feel like I have been afraid of happiness because all I knew for so long was misery, hopelessness, hatred for life and myself. When you've been to that place it's hard to imagine a happy life full of prosperity and opportunities and if you actually get a chance at that life you never think it's going to last. You sabotage yourself.
I do want to find love and have many friends/relationships... yada yada yada :) but fear is a contradiction as many things are and I think it's just another thing you must gauge for yourself. What am I going to take a chance on today? What do I fear, and should I fear it?
Fear is okay as long as it doesn't control you. Right now I feel inhibited by my fear but I also know that it's guiding me to a place where my fears will be more manageable. <-- sorry if that doesn't make sense
Thanks for tuning in :)
This blog is not intended to preach to you. I only intend to explain myself because although I am happy I still have fears, I still worry and I want to emphasize the reason/importance of the changes I am going through.
Lately, I have been asked to hangout with certain people. Somehow I come up with one reason or another to deny them. "I have a lot of homework to do,""I am busy this weekend but maybe next weekend,""I'd love to but I already have plans." Mostly white lies or complete lies. These certain people are all men or boys or whatever. I have found I don't want to be around any guys. I don't want to talk to guys that I don't already trust, know, and love. I apologize for being this way but I can't risk disappointment right now. One day, hopefully soon, I'll be able to open my heart back up but for now I don't want any guy near it. Not because you have all trampled over it but simply because I can't win at it and it gets to a point where you're done trying to make things work. And even friendships with guys right now seem disgusting to me because I am so tired of dealing with "it", everything that comes with "it." And I have to say most of "it" is brought on by me :) It goes something like this... We are friends, we hookup, and you either A)Don't like me and just want to fuck me B)Do like me and still want to fuck me C)Do like me but I don't like you D)Don't like me and want me out of your life but I become very attached/psycho/needy. Anywho, I can't do it because I am afraid I'll go back to being the old me because the old me thrives off of disappointment and misery and that's how everything I start with guys ends. That's probably the most honest thing I know about myself. So I am sorry if I have shut you out.
So I guess what I am trying to say is that I am a contradiction to my own self proclaimed motto. I don't want to be, but I figure there are things to be fearful of and things to take chances on. I believe love is something that you should always take a chance on but sometimes things have to be at the right place and at the right time. All in all this blog might just be for myself, saying, "Molly you are able to admit to yourself that you need to be cautious in your fragile state of mind because for you it can be fleeting. But, this in itself shows you're not fearful of one day being happy because you know in order to succeed you have to be smart about your mind/health/life/love/etc." And, in the past I feel like I have been afraid of happiness because all I knew for so long was misery, hopelessness, hatred for life and myself. When you've been to that place it's hard to imagine a happy life full of prosperity and opportunities and if you actually get a chance at that life you never think it's going to last. You sabotage yourself.
I do want to find love and have many friends/relationships... yada yada yada :) but fear is a contradiction as many things are and I think it's just another thing you must gauge for yourself. What am I going to take a chance on today? What do I fear, and should I fear it?
Fear is okay as long as it doesn't control you. Right now I feel inhibited by my fear but I also know that it's guiding me to a place where my fears will be more manageable. <-- sorry if that doesn't make sense
Thanks for tuning in :)
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Mrs. Darren Criss
Just before I start and end this quickie blog post, the previous one about my grandpa's death has more spelling/grammar errors than most of my stuff typically has and I also jumbled some of my words so take a breath of relief that when I have time I will edit it but for now...
.
I want to write
I want to pour myself out to you and have you look down at all my insides and then pour yours right back into a pile of all our emotions that seem to messy to contain.
I write to connect. In all ways that I possibly can, when I write I hope you feel what I feel or that you want to feel what I feel or something of the sort.
And now I am here. I am kind of tired and in some ways would rather read my book, The Girl Who Played With Fire by Stieg Larsson. But I am going to try and put what I can out here. I am not the one doing you the favor but it's quite the opposite, I thrive on the prospect that someone gets to hear me, see me, nakedly without as many restrictions as I usually put up. So if you're reading this, thank you.
Lately I have been a snail curled in my bed most of the time. I watch hulu, I read, I nap, I do homework, I watch netflix, I watch another netflix. I have created my own shell where I am finding it easier to I guess you could say deal with things. I don't really go out and drink anymore or go to parties. I stay home or see my brother or hangout with my roommates and play uno haha... it does vary but overall I have become very introverted and for me with introversion comes also, revelation/reflection.
Long story short: I chose to be a biology major for the wrong reason. I am now trying to withdraw from my chemistry class and I have decided to go to saddleback for a year and transfer somewhere with a new major (hopefully cinema, maybe english)
So who cares right?
Basically I just want to say that life, you are a big fucking contradiction. You cannot have your cake and eat it too (some people get lucky like hmm angelina jolie or something). Everything comes with karma, consequences, repudiation, yadadadaaaaaaaaaa. I guess in better words is that there's no direct road to drive on in life... people make you believe there is but god damn them for lying to me because they are wrong. Double edged sword. I will relate this to my direct problem... they say, "do what you love (for your career)."... they say, "don't major in things/subjects that won't produce a profession that can't support you financially." And after many talks with people I have decided maybe life isn't as big of a contradiction as I think it is, maybe I am just growing up and seeing life for what it really is... fucking difficult. And so going off of this tangent, I picked a biology major cause I wanted to be smart, I wanted to be a doctor and make money. In high school I was the dumb one out of my friends, I mean my friend Rachel is amazingly smart & wonderful, is at Cornell and is now studying for her MCATs. My friend Stephen got a perfect SAT score and there I was in H.S. unable to even pass my weekly AP bio tests. I felt stupid, that's what it comes down to. And though I do have interest in biology I was trying to please everyone else which would indirectly please me. I guess I just realized recently that I am tired of being a people pleaser. I mean I am not going to parties anymore because I am too tempted to drink and I don't really like them in general for other reasons. I typically went to big parties because I wanted to put out this persona that I was a fun and an outgoing person... all trying to make other people think some way of me to make me happy in the end. I guess I have always been battling to be happy and content with myself. Maybe now I am closer than ever.
Anywho, I realized that bio is not my thing... end of story. I started talking to my mom about possibly changing my major to cinema and whatnot and basically she said how competitive it was and how it would be hard to make a living. And please don't get me wrong because I love my mom ( and dad) more than anything and I value their wisdom and advice they have to give but at this very moment I felt so bad because I felt like society/everyone else/maybe even godzilla was crushing my dreams to be a screenwriter or something of the sort in cinema.
Everything nowadays is hard. Everything is competitive. America used to be known as the land of opportunities. I feel like people have truly lost the ability to believe. Or maybe because of recent events such as the downfall of the economy people have a hard time imagining things prospering. Trust me, I don't expect things to be easy, I certainly don't know how hard it will be but I have an immense amount of PASSION for almost anything and everything in the creative zone. Basically, it's not something I am lacking (passion). My point is that nothing is a guarantee but most things, no, everything is possible. Me meeting Darren Criss and falling madly in love with him is completely possibly. Me making a shitty feature film is totally possible. Me being an amazing person/director/screenwriter/wife of Darren Criss is 100 % within reach... we just have to believe and work for it.
the moment you stop believing, or the moment you let what everyone else is saying stop you is the moment when you lose your chance to make your dreams come true.
My goal: be myself.. completely and totally. meet Darren Criss hahaha. Believe in myself.
That's what you missed on Molly's Life
sorry if there are spelling mistakes n shit in this one.. will edit later
.
I want to write
I want to pour myself out to you and have you look down at all my insides and then pour yours right back into a pile of all our emotions that seem to messy to contain.
I write to connect. In all ways that I possibly can, when I write I hope you feel what I feel or that you want to feel what I feel or something of the sort.
And now I am here. I am kind of tired and in some ways would rather read my book, The Girl Who Played With Fire by Stieg Larsson. But I am going to try and put what I can out here. I am not the one doing you the favor but it's quite the opposite, I thrive on the prospect that someone gets to hear me, see me, nakedly without as many restrictions as I usually put up. So if you're reading this, thank you.
Lately I have been a snail curled in my bed most of the time. I watch hulu, I read, I nap, I do homework, I watch netflix, I watch another netflix. I have created my own shell where I am finding it easier to I guess you could say deal with things. I don't really go out and drink anymore or go to parties. I stay home or see my brother or hangout with my roommates and play uno haha... it does vary but overall I have become very introverted and for me with introversion comes also, revelation/reflection.
Long story short: I chose to be a biology major for the wrong reason. I am now trying to withdraw from my chemistry class and I have decided to go to saddleback for a year and transfer somewhere with a new major (hopefully cinema, maybe english)
So who cares right?
Basically I just want to say that life, you are a big fucking contradiction. You cannot have your cake and eat it too (some people get lucky like hmm angelina jolie or something). Everything comes with karma, consequences, repudiation, yadadadaaaaaaaaaa. I guess in better words is that there's no direct road to drive on in life... people make you believe there is but god damn them for lying to me because they are wrong. Double edged sword. I will relate this to my direct problem... they say, "do what you love (for your career)."... they say, "don't major in things/subjects that won't produce a profession that can't support you financially." And after many talks with people I have decided maybe life isn't as big of a contradiction as I think it is, maybe I am just growing up and seeing life for what it really is... fucking difficult. And so going off of this tangent, I picked a biology major cause I wanted to be smart, I wanted to be a doctor and make money. In high school I was the dumb one out of my friends, I mean my friend Rachel is amazingly smart & wonderful, is at Cornell and is now studying for her MCATs. My friend Stephen got a perfect SAT score and there I was in H.S. unable to even pass my weekly AP bio tests. I felt stupid, that's what it comes down to. And though I do have interest in biology I was trying to please everyone else which would indirectly please me. I guess I just realized recently that I am tired of being a people pleaser. I mean I am not going to parties anymore because I am too tempted to drink and I don't really like them in general for other reasons. I typically went to big parties because I wanted to put out this persona that I was a fun and an outgoing person... all trying to make other people think some way of me to make me happy in the end. I guess I have always been battling to be happy and content with myself. Maybe now I am closer than ever.
Anywho, I realized that bio is not my thing... end of story. I started talking to my mom about possibly changing my major to cinema and whatnot and basically she said how competitive it was and how it would be hard to make a living. And please don't get me wrong because I love my mom ( and dad) more than anything and I value their wisdom and advice they have to give but at this very moment I felt so bad because I felt like society/everyone else/maybe even godzilla was crushing my dreams to be a screenwriter or something of the sort in cinema.
Everything nowadays is hard. Everything is competitive. America used to be known as the land of opportunities. I feel like people have truly lost the ability to believe. Or maybe because of recent events such as the downfall of the economy people have a hard time imagining things prospering. Trust me, I don't expect things to be easy, I certainly don't know how hard it will be but I have an immense amount of PASSION for almost anything and everything in the creative zone. Basically, it's not something I am lacking (passion). My point is that nothing is a guarantee but most things, no, everything is possible. Me meeting Darren Criss and falling madly in love with him is completely possibly. Me making a shitty feature film is totally possible. Me being an amazing person/director/screenwriter/wife of Darren Criss is 100 % within reach... we just have to believe and work for it.
the moment you stop believing, or the moment you let what everyone else is saying stop you is the moment when you lose your chance to make your dreams come true.
My goal: be myself.. completely and totally. meet Darren Criss hahaha. Believe in myself.
That's what you missed on Molly's Life
sorry if there are spelling mistakes n shit in this one.. will edit later
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