Grasping at pebbles when you know you need to be moving mountains

I feel compelled to write, almost as if my fingers were obligated to touch every key as fast as my brain can carry them just so that I can get this all out in one piece/peace (I feel like both could be used in this situation). I am enthralled like a magician is when he fools his audience, "ahhhh, you will never know!" I am not enthralled because I have secrets but more so because I have discoveries. Jesus rice my fingers are colliding because my brain is working faster than my hands (I have truly never been a strong typer despite that typing computer program that was drilled into me at Castille)

So I felt like shit starting from last weekend to maybe this afternoon because of a mishap I guess you could say or kink in the chain or a rock in my path or (___any other semi euphemism___). Anywho the thing that put me out and under was I slapped someone, well that someone being my ex boyfriend Eric. I don't know why I did, mainly because I was highly intoxicated and don't remember ( what a surprise...not ). I was playing the role of the drunken crying shit show that night and well Eric was my first pick when deciding whose night I should fuck with. Maybe he provoked me or threatened me... truly I have no idea and seeing that he didn't try to make any contact with me during the parts of the night I do remember, well I can only speculate that he was just as quiet as a mouse. So I had one of the worst nights ever and I moped around, boohooing for myself about what a fuckup I was and then I stopped taking my pills. I didn't intentionally stop taking them, it's just I forgot and after a certain time if I haven't take them then I can't because of medical blood level shit. If you don't know I take anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication and have been for about 4ish years now. I take lexapro, wellbutrin, and lamictal ( Plus Xanex for extreme emergencies ) Yup I am part of doped up America. Back to the story if you please. After multiple times of slapping Eric and then having my brothers roommate Chris come pick me up because I was in such a state of mind I woke up to realize that I felt like shit.

This is an excerpt from how I felt in a draft for a blog that I ended up not posting

So, I made a mistake like anybody else. I did something that can't can't be taken back. This isn't one of those moments where you can say you didn't mean it because you did, I did. I meant every bit of rage, hate and pain that surged through my hand that consequently hit his face. I hit him multiple times. Maybe this wouldn't be a big deal for somebody else but it is for me. I feel like a demented child that tortures animals when they're little and are therefore taken to multiple psychiatrists because they're doomed to be a serial killer. I mean you see the girls in the movies do exactly what I did, SLAP, and they feel so fulfilled and amazing after, like they have accomplished the unaccomplishable.

Yeahh unaccomplishable is not a word...

Point is, I gained nothing from slapping him besides the new found pearls of wisdom that made me realize that
1. I have/ had a lot of pent up anger towards Eric.
2. I have a problem with alcohol and self preservation.
3. This is not who I want to be. I don't want to be someone who thinks physical violence will solve things nor do I want to be someone who engages in that kind of primitive behavior. I am not a fighter, I am a lover. End of story... violence ( any form ) is wrong and truthfully I am ashamed at my actions.


So here it is everyone... my excavation of "why?"

I have/had pent up anger towards Eric because when I broke up with I gave the reason that, " I need to concentrate on my school work." That isn't to say that was a fabrication but it definitely wasn't the whole truth. He made me feel insignificant, like a little ant he was waiting to crush beneath his chukka boots or whatever the fuck they are called and he made me feel not good enough for the oh so godly Eric. Seriously that boy has an ego that could reach to no-man's land. But all this was never said. I remember thinking that this was an easier truth. But truthfully, in the end it wasn't any easier. I guess it's obvious that the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me Yod ( yes I purposely put Yod )is typically the way to go. So first thing I learned was the truth will set you free when you use your ability to relinquish it at the proper times. And, I learned that I never want to hit/slap anyone out of anger again just because I am too damn drunk to know any better.

Next topic. Alcohol. Blame it on the al-al-alc-alc-alcohol. I have gone to AA meetings before and truly they have never worked for me for various reasons but that could be another blog within itself so I will save my few readers from a lengthy explanation. I guess it comes down to a few things... I am not okay with myself, I drink to fit in, I drink because I want to run away from all the bad feelings that fester inside of me, I drink because I don't want to be the person not drinking, I drink because I want to be loose and free willed, I drink because I don't know what else to do. This sounds like those groups in high schools that talks about drinking.. all whiny and shit. Basically all these wants and needs can be fixed without drinking. Now, I am not everyone. There are so many people who can drink and have a grand ole' time... I am just saying that that is not me because about 9.9 out of 10 times a night of heavy drinking ends badly for me in one way or another. So what am I to do? I hate to disappoint but truly, I am not sure yet. I could go back to AA meetings but I don't want to so maybe not. I also know that if I put some thought into why I choose alcohol over self preservation, I might be able to figure my shit out. So for now I'll admit that I am unsure and don't know what to do, which for right now is totally okay.

So in continuing on, with the fact that I hadn't taken my pills for a few days (and trust me a few days makes a shit ton of difference) I wanted to comatose or get out of this world last night. All I wanted was to forget how disgusted and upset I had made myself and just fucking get away. Turn my back on it all for a measly I don't know 24 hours or 48? I started drinking, not sipping, my liquid promethesine codeine from SFSU health center... thank you... in hopes of blanking out or something of the sort. I was not, I repeat, I was not trying to commit suicide, I merely wanted to go on a vacation in paradise with no worries. Hakuna Matata :) Anywho I quickly realized that I always try to run away from my problems instead of dealing with them. I constantly think that running away will solve things, as if I was to wake up in a better, perfect world without my insignificant yet significant to me troubles. I called my savior, my mother, and she talked me down, she healed my wounds, she did what any mother should do... love me unconditionally till it hurt. Moments like these I can honestly say I am so glad that I have a relationship with both my mom and dad because too often have I seen people disconnected with their parents and I just bask in the fact that I am sooo lucky to have them by me every step of the way. I would not be able to do it without them. So I came down from my hysterics and fell asleep. Sorry there's no crazy ending but I woke up feeling just the same this morning, empty. I felt empty, so distressed from all the overwhelming aspects of life that I just couldn't even fathom a smile. But as the day went on I worked out at the gym, ate pizza, and watched glee... therefore I instantly felt better. I also felt better for another few reasons.

Today I met a girl, Lindsey, at the SFSU Student Health Center peer nutrition health clinic thingy which I need to do for one of my classes and she was my actual health advisor. Anywho, at the end of the session she commented on my tattoo of, "Love" on my wrist. She went on to explain that that is how she lost her dad. At the moment it didn't affect me like it has now.

I am one of the lucky, one of the ones who didn't succeed and maybe I am being melodramatic but more than ever there have been an increased number of suicides among young people. This is so sickening to me because I was one of those people who felt worthless, empty, ugly, lonely and I know what it is like to try and crawl your way through that dark tunnel, grasping at pebbles when you know you need to be moving mountains. I know. And to think that there is just another person that lived but didn't really get to LIVE because they were pained with something so unbearable that this life was not worth it. It makes me want to do something. Maybe educate people and give them resources because when I was in high school mental diseases affecting young peoples wasn't a concept that I could form in my mind. Will I do anything? I will.

I feel like I have explored a lot tonight but definitely not enough because I still gots a long way to go. But for anyone who is reading this I thank you for taking the time to read my psychoanalysis and probably boring account of my life of trials and tribulations.


I am me
strong
funny
sensitive and sometimes oversensitive
empowered
lovely
creative
daring
sparkling
me


also another change in my life right now... I have no feelings for any guy... I mean romantic feelings. I don't think I have ever not liked someone. But now I am free and freedom feels good.
:)

Vacant

Here's where I tell you all my secrets.
Everything you ever wanted to know, you now know.
I am an empty shell with nothing to hold. My body has escaped me again and my soul free floats before waking eyes, burning, twisting, withering in the burnt rays of sunlight.
The shell stays empty, waiting for the next visitor to inhabit and destroy its surroundings.
That's what you have done and you can't even cry and use your broken tears to fix this. Irrevocable. The ocean holds you up while the currents brush you off. But still you're in the same state of mind that landed you here. Lets blame it all on them. Sit, wait, and do nothing while the world speeds against you, behind you, without you. If only you could create yourself again with the rocks that never balance on each other. At least then you'd be trying. But all you're is vacant. Vacancy the sign will shine beneath the crystal waters that ripple away the death and dying.

mini poem

she beat me to it
she stole your heart before I could even touch it
before I could make an impression on it
cause she swims in and out of your dreams
a siren luring you down to the depths
seducing you back in
and here we are together in the same boat
trying to find my reflection in the ripples of the ocean
searching for something to have meaning again
punch me and make me feel cause I am numb without him


a slice of how I might be feeling

I have nothing to write... I thought I did and now I just can't put it all into words.

These times are trying so try harder.

I will try not to sound like a hypocrite in this post.
I have no sympathy for those who whine and never do anything about what is bothering them. I have no sympathy for people who expect the ground to reach their feet. I have no sympathy for people who wont help themselves. I have no sympathy for people who don't fucking try. Yes, I used to be one (sometimes still am one) of those people who was a stick in the mud crying about how shitty their life was, how miserable it was to be alone. Sometimes, I get into a deep depression, a hole without windows and doors...somewhere where nothing seems possible anymore. We all go there. Yes, the keyword is all. Been there, done that. It may seem like people are unbreakable, so strong as if they could realign the leaning Tower of Pisa with a flick of their wrist and a blink of their eye. These people are all over the fucking place walking around as if they have the world on a string that winds up and down for them like a yoyo. We become jealous. "You have what I want!" "You are what I want to be!" But as the saying goes, no one is perfect. Everyone has struggles just as shitty and horrible as yours, this is true but do they show it? Maybe yes , maybe no. My point is that everyone has gone through something, something that they wish never happened, something they try and forget everyday of their life because it's too painful to remember. From these experiences we build walls around certain things, we block people out, we do not seek help. Building a fortress is no good if you can't have a princess, prince, maid, queen or king to accompany you. Knock down the walls of Jericho. Realize that you're not alone in feeling like shit, an outcast, stupid, insane, ugly, fat, a hopeless romantic, short, too tall, paranoid, angry, sad, mean, pimply faced, poor, unlovable, skanky whore, druggie and all other undermining things that bring you below ground." My wall that I have built up is made of bricks cemented with the phrase, "No one will love me if I don't have sex with them." That should be an obvious thing from my previous blogs. Once again my point is that no one, not even you is alone in these feelings. EVERYONE, even fucking so-called celebrities have the same problems as everybody else. What is the difference between the people we hope to be and the people we actually are? Will. Strife. Hope. Courage. Anyone can conquer and own these words, all you have to do is try. I believe I have looked the thing we call, death, in the eye. I have quarreled with death, begged for death and yet here I am writing a blog. I don't need to tell you my story, I need you to write your own. Yes, it's okay to bitch and moan and be sad about things but when they start to overtake your life that's when something inside must change. Become egocentric for a second and imagine that it all comes down to you, you and only you. You are left to save humanity, rescue it from the evil powers that rise from below before it eats up the whole of your own little universe. Fight. Draw your sword and fight to the death (no pun intended but maybe a little). No one can save you but you. You must change. You must better yourself. You must survive. There are so many reasons to want to die and even more reasons to want to stay on this earth and fight. It may sound like I am talking to people who are in particular suicidal but I am really not, I am talking to anyone who has lost their way even if just for a moment. Not everyone survives. Everyday there are things to tempt us, things to woe us towards something that is only trouble masked beneath a cloak that reeks of self destruction. Maybe it isn't self destruction for you maybe it's something that numbs your pain that sits on your shoulder to tempt you. I don't know but I am here to tell you that these days life is hard, life is unfair, life can suck but you must try harder.

nolite te bastardes carborundorum

So here I am again. The same place as always for me.
I know I am a bit crazy and melodramatic. I have about the same amount of mood swings as Janice Dickinson, which is a heck of a lot. So, sue me. Big whoopdee freaking doo. Seriously, everybody has flaws, flaws that you either decide to accept and love or ones that just aren't worth the struggle. As I said in my previous blog post, love is not easy yet it is easy. It's a dualistic trait possessing a yin and yang, or you could call love a schizophrenic. Anywho, I don't know why I am never worth the struggle in love. Why am I always here, alone, with no gallant knight in shining armor saying,"Beauty’s ensign yet is crimson in thy lips and in thy cheeks?" What ever happened to Romeo? Blame it on this or that, still, I am not worth it and frankly I am tired of it! I know I am a good person, yeah I have hit speed bumps in my past but I am so much farther along the road called life than I could have ever imagined. I am compassionate and kind. I love little rats for goodness sake. I think I can truly find beauty in everything. So why isn't it enough? Is it because of our age, the ones who want to live fast and die young. Whatever it is I have come to the conclusion that I am great and that I deserve even grander than grand guys. No longer will I chase them, they will have to chase me. I'm a real catch ;) So fuck you, the ones who never want to chew through the tart and hairy dermis of a fruit to get to the sweet, juicy, succulent core (Sorry if that gives a weird image). You have lost.

Said by one of the Greats from my literature readings...
Offred: Finds the script "nolite te bastardes carborundorum," written by her incarcerater which means "Don't let the bastards grind you down."


You do not make me who I am
You do not make me whole

sex, love and other things undead

What I have learned...
I have been home since December 26th, I haven't done much but I feel like I've learned a little. To love is easy and not easy. I have always been a people pleaser, wanting people to like me and love me. I always thought love came in the form of sex. I used sex to feel loved, to gain love, to gain relationships and now more than ever I see what it has done to me. By using sex to gain all these things I have lost something more valuable than dignity. Every time I have had sex with someone that I don't really give a shit about I have lost the hope that some day someone will love me for who I am, not what I am. So many times I have been left with my hands empty, palms out grasping at air whispering nobody will love me if I can not love and value myself. Truly I think that if you have casual sex that you're not doing it for fun but that you're looking for something that you're missing in your life. I've had sex with a ample amount of people (or so I think so) and I have gained nothing that can replace what I yearn for. Sex doesn't equal love and I guess vice a versa, love doesn't equal sex. Sex is supposed to be something special, something you share with only a few, "special" people. Sex has never felt special for me really... maybe once? Sex is not supposed to be some currency that is used to get you things whether it be a new job promotion or somebody's undying love. I'll admit it's hard for me not to give in and say that I don't want it because sex is great and wonderful. I love sex. Does it at times make me feel like a worthless piece of shit? Yes. Is it worth it to feel like a worthless piece of shit? No. Sure, maybe you don't have a problem with fucking every guy in the world, but I do. I am tired of nothing feeling special to me. I am tired of me waking up and thinking to myself that I have fucked up my self esteem again by whoring myself out. This weekend I met a guy through a setup from friends and things were shaky at the beginning but then they got better. I spent every night hanging out with him till he left and it was so nice to be in his company. I just would sit and listen to him talk about all the bull shit he has been through and I would contemplate how it was similar to my own life. He would talk of horrid things and I just thought to myself, "how are you still smiling and happy?" He built himself back up from the ground up (tongue twister right there). Anywho, he took me to dinner and paid... typically I don't let guys pay which is funny because I ask myself why and I say ," if they pay then it means that I owe them and that they own me." Yah... pretty fucked up with my thinking. Anywho, I let him pay... I of course offered but he wouldn't let me. I always thought chivalry was dead and sometimes I still think that but now I have to question myself and say, "is it me who is closing the door on chivalry?" People who pay for me and compliment me make me feel uncomfortable. I'm weird, I know. He treated me like I have never been treated before... I was enamored with him. His ex is an idiot for letting him get away. He taught me that it feels good to let someone care about you, even if it's only for one night. To add to this revelation, I hung out with one of my ex boyfriends, we were flirting like old times and I consider him to be the only person I have ever "loved" ( I put it in quotation marks because I don't know if it was love, though I think it was), and for once I didn't have feelings for him. He certainly never treated me wrongly and he did put up with a lot of my bull shit but after being with someone who showed me love I just didn't even want to look back. I know this might sound silly and maybe even stupid but I feel like this one guy helped me see things a bit differently. I still use sex to gain love but I don't want to and will not anymore. I know what I am missing; self esteem. If I resist people who just want me for sex because that's all I project to them, it will make me feel better about myself and other things. I know you're saying well if you project sex then what do you expect? "I should expect nothing less," is what I would say. It's a process of retraining the mind. I have to now constantly tell myself that sex isn't the answer. Just as I have realized that a lot of things aren't the answer. This is life though, you live and you learn. I am happy to live and I am happy to learn.

Take your broken wings and learn to fly

My parents say that I seem happier, like my "old" self though I don't ever remember the "old" me being happy. Am I happy now? I'd say I am content, not elated but certainly happy with things currently and even more excited for what's to come. It's a good feeling to have a goal or an aspiration ahead of you, cheering you on. Something that I have realized is that lots of things if not all things are possible for me. I have really taken to heart this little pearl of wisdom that my surf instructor told me in Maui, "Don't wish for something that is possible." When he said that it was like time stopped, the film in the tape got all bunched up and stopped playing its tune and then it all started to rewind in order show me those times when I hoped, prayed, wished for something so obtainable. I was in a daze for a millasecond and then I held onto the board and tried to stay afloat as we walked into the crashing waves. The waves were battering up my legs with rocks and shells but I made it out into the ocean. After somehow conquering surfing, which for me is an accomplishment since the ocean throughly scares me I realized that you must face what's ahead and keep telling yourself that all is possible. The moment that you stop believing in all the possibilities whether they be fanciful or silly, you lose yourself in your own mass destruction. At the ending months of 2010 a few weeks before finals I found out I was in a situation where I was going to fail biology and statistics. I can give you reasons or excuses ( what's the difference between the two? ) of why I was in the process of failing but to discuss those is to fill space in this blog, I'd rather tell you how I passed biology ( still waiting on statistics ). Yes my grades were in the shitter, yes I was hopelessly depressed and in woe of becoming a part of the academic probation group but maybe that's what it takes to wake you up. Maybe you have to go so low to the ground in order to bounce off the bottom in order to spring back up, but of course some fall and never get back up. In elementary school we had awards and I think twice I got a coyote with character flag declaring that I had perseverance, something to be cherished and rewarded for. I got up and kept going. Yes I moped for a while but I also pushed myself. I am not trying to sound like I am a perfect student now after passing biology with a C-. I am trying to say that sometimes you will fall and sometimes you will rise but the will to keep on going is infinite when you realize that all is possible. Maybe that's why my parents say I am like my "old" self, someone similar to the little girl with long skinny arms and long skinny legs wearing a flower print shirt with bicycle stretchy pants, somewhat looking similar to a sqwacking baby bird. My parents used to call me their little bird. My "old" innocent, fearless self that saw the world full of light. I love the story of peter pan, the idea of staying a child forever. I would only want to be a child forever because of their immense innocence and imagination and the fact that the horrid stories on the news don't matter much to them. But peter needed to grow up and learn to be an adult but in the process he lost everything golden that a child possesses. Why can't we take a little from both sides of the spectrum? Maybe that is what is happening now, I am maturing into my adult shoes while also holding onto the dreams of unicorns and fairies. That gave me a funny image of Lucille Ball. In lots of situations I think you have to choose, you can't have your cake and eat it too, but I think in this particular situation you can have both. After writing all this I think I would feel the same way even if I did fail biology like I had suspected I would because no matter what my final grades were, I learned from my mistake and tried my best in the end. And now having conquered a bit of the ocean, having gotten back on a horse after falling and after the stuff I have been through... I am still here, smiling at progress. Thriving is thriving. Doesn't matter if you got your M.D. and I got my GED, it's still progress. I hope I never stop trying to better myself. No, I don't hope or wish for this, I will do it.



Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
-The Beatles