dutch.. who cares much? I do.

Why do I wait patiently for the witching hour in which we will talk? Why do I sacrifice sleep to read the words you type to me? Why do I care enough for you? You are some person I don’t know, the only things I know of you are what you present. You could be a rapist, gang banger, druggie, pedophile, but somehow I trust you. Is it ignorance. Then I am sure it’s true that ignorance is bliss. You could disappear in a second and then I would never hear another word from you. I would be crushed. Why would someone be crushed over someone she hardly knows? Because I think I know you, I think you have shared special moments with me, and that we have some sort of connection. That is why I do all of this pathetic nonsense. I debate with myself whether it is pathetic and a waste of time or if I am truly creating something worthwhile. What’s worth while when everything eventually dies. I am trying to be realistic yet I can’t be because I so want to believe in my own fairy tale ending. But the chances of that glass slipper being slipped onto my foot by you is 99.9% unlikely. Why waste my beauty sleep over you? See here I try and justify why it’s ok to wait for something that will never come while also telling myself I am stupid for even continuing to talk to someone extremely, extensively unavailable. Someone I knew used to say, “I love you more than the sun loves the flowers.” So could I say I love you more than I even know? Why indulge yourself in something you cannot have, it brings only disappointment if you’re me. If you’re a sensible person you would realize that it is not possible and that ‘you and him’ do not exist. And no matter how cute his face is when he pacifies your cynical views with his dutch sweet talk, it comes down to me being fucking stupid. Me being attached, me being let down by my own whatever. So the resolution would be to buck up and let go. Yet the very thing I continuously yearn for is a connection and now it is visible that I will go across the internet and the Atlantic to find it. But ‘it’ cannot and does not exist over the internet right? And by the time I would actually meet him he would be taken and long gone. So with everything against this what keeps me lingering on? Is it my desperate attempt for some connection or really do we have some miniscule spark that somehow can be felt through cox cable connection. Idealistic and unrealistic is what you are. And me, I can’t say what I am anymore. This whole thing confuses me.

belief strangled with hopes & dreams

I had my tarot cards read in Vegas this week by a guy named Eric. He was pretty good and on point with everything he said about me. And I myself being a believer of some kind of clairvoyant magic was stricken with an expressionless face, so as to hope to give him no signs that he was right. But he was. I think some people have a gift for stuff like this even if it is some voodoo magic shit. He said one thing that I did not like/ did not want to be true for my future. Now this of course turned me off. And I didn't want to believe anymore that this silly pack of cards actually held some insight into my future. Though for instance if he had said what I wanted to hear then I would've been more partial and accept to my imminent future. But with chances like that in a tarot card deck you're bound to be disappointed. Not everyone can have their cake and eat it too. Truthfully I don't even understand how tarots work. Are some cosmic forces telling the cards what my future holds? How would cosmic forces even know about me or my future. Maybe it's all a bunch of bullshit to rob ignorant people of their money. Maybe that goes for religion in some way too. But I mentioned , briefly this situation to my dear friend casey and he said, " life isn't planned out for you, things aren't waiting to happen, but you must make them happen." I think he's right. I can doubt this tarot guy reader all I want but the thing is maybe somehow the cards do hold this specific truth and I just don't want to accept it. Either way I am afraid he's right. Not afraid just sad, I thought for once I felt a connection but maybe my infatuation is getting the best of me... again.

cat eyes

cat eyes burning into your pupils as you take it all in
pure body ebony silk moving with the rhythm
diamonds shake
she flips her hair and you're hooked
drawing you into her seduction stage
grabbing you by the collar she whispers, "you turn me on"
lips red and lush
cherry like
about to burst
leaving her mark of sin all over your neck, your shirt
then she teases your inner beast
persuading him to creep out, creep out
cat eyes and a pure body of ebony silk throws away all worries, all doubts
then she caresses every shape upon her toned pulsing body
nipple to breast, breast to hips, hips to thighs then she touches herself where you least expect it
crazy, french, the girl is one in a million
with cate eyes
and a twist of her wrist
and a smile that leaves you wondering
cabaret, oh cabaret
you've done it again
intoxicated lust compiled with a stage full of gorgeous women
now you don't stand a chance
give up, give in
to the naked ladies of dance

To delete or not delete?

So after the decision to reactivate my blog I had to of course do some spring cleaning and fix this thing up. The thing is this blog was originally just a place for me to write my thoughts almost privately ( I didn't fully understand the whole point of a blog ). So, now as I look back I am partially embarrassed by the things I wrote about my relationships and such. But if I was to be true to myself and contribute to my growth as a writer I think it is vital to keep those embarrassing things. Those embarrassing things are what you can spring of off...right? Well I am keeping everything, though I did edit out some names from my previous posts. So here goes... I am blogging for myself and nobody else. Read it, enjoy it, hate it, whatever.

before or after

Before I met him I was doing well, I was happy and recovering from a past break up and at the time I wasn't looking to have a new guy let alone any guy in my life. But after hanging out with him a few times I realized that he was a really good guy. He is sweet, considerate, funny, a family guy, and driven. After my last boyfriend , he become more than I could ever ask for. As we started dating , he made things better, and yes we had a few bumps in the road but we go through them and continued on. Currently I am still seeing him and he continues to make me so happy and basically just make my life better. I used to pity those young girls who would throw their lives away for some guy who they thought was their true love. I am not saying he is or isn't my true love but he's something very special to me and at times I feel like those young ignorant girls I used to think were pathetic. And, yesterday we weren't texting as much and he didn't call me to have our nightly talk, I freaked out and started thinking about dreadful things like him cheating on me and not wanting to be with me. It's not that I don't trust him, basically it's how my mind works. But it made me think that what if that did happen what if we stopped seeing each other? Would I fall apart like with last guy who stole my heart? Would I be able to still be happy without him? I don't want a guy to control my emotions, I want to be my own person. I want to be with a guy cause I want to not cause I have to because I'm afraid of what my life will be when we break up. And so now I am battling with that question. What would life be without him? maybe this is a stupid question but I don't want to break apart like I did last time.

Hurting

I gave myself to him and now all he can do is jump on the next girl who is willing to take him in. It hurts so much to see him wash away all the things we had, so I also decided to wash away mine with self mutilation. He doesn't even give a shit about me or my feelings. All the shit he said is bull shit. One night he called me beautiful, I was so embarrassed because no guy had ever really said it. And he, to my knowledge was innocent so I believed his remark believing every word of it. And now I feel like a girl he just had sex with and nothing more. And everyday in class he ignores me and I can't even look at him because I am so hurt. For once I though I had it all right, like he was perfect for me. He was sweet, caring, good with my family, and he made me feel special. I was so comfortable around him it felt so weird that someone could like me for me. But it was all too good to be true. Ah so cliche but there is truth in it. I really don't believe in myself ever finding love. I know I'm cynical and stuff but I can't help it, I have fucked up so many times that that is all that I seem to accomplish. I am tired of being a hoe, being hurt, and being a failure. I feel hopeless.
The End.

A loverly fairytale love

I can't wait for that day when I say those 3 words to someone. When deep down I can feel their meaning burn with passion, and I can look into that other person's eyes and know that with them I am safe, complete, myself, and in true bliss with every waking moment I spend with them. I remember while reading the series Twilight, I used to think that there was no way in hell that anyone or any love could be so perfect (if you're unfamiliar with the books, then to give you a summary- Edward Cullen is the most hunkiest man alive). And it used to make me cynical reading these books about love that made everything in life worth living for because all I saw in my life was horny boys who were arrogant, narcissistic, and just plain stupid. But I have come to the realization that I am young and that all good things come in time. But what about those people who never find "true love?" What's left for them? Maybe everyone finds their own love in different things like love, work, drugs, money, etc. Yet so many of us want to find it in a significant other, and I just can't help but wonder if I will get what I want; find someone who I am completely in love with and who is completely in love with me. But why would people write books or make movies about amazing men that do not exist? Maybe everyone is amazing in their own ways, I mean no one is perfect. I guess all I am trying to say is that I want that love so badly that I am afraid I'll give in too easily for something that is only a facade of love. Hopefully I wont go head over hills for the next guy who kisses my neck(it's my kryptonite).