sweet dreams are made of this.

Have you ever had an improbable fantasy, not a dream but something your mind craved, something that kept it driving onward? That fantasy was almost quenching a thirst you've had for quite some time because it has been what you dream of but it was not a dream because dreams do come true. Dreams are reachable, fantasies never come true. Yet you believe in your fantasies because they seem good, sometimes better than you could dream because they were thought up with the mind not the heart. And when the heart is not in play, it has no say, things all of a sudden become simpler. But when the fantasies fall like stars from the sky, skyrocketing out of the atmosphere, it burns a whole in your heart. Something so logical had to work, or at least you thought for sure it would. But of course it was only a fantasy, a fool hardy thought that was selfish and indulgent about things that can never happen. Dreams are pure, fantasies are not. If I could, I would stop myself from having any fantasies spewing, smoldering, brewing in my head. All they bring is empty wondering of why it did not, why could not it have worked. Your world won't come crashing down yet because sweet dreams are made of this.

life?

I have been running, always, never a moment when I haven't been running to get away
to lose myself in the journey
and never look back
and you know what? it has never once worked for me
The runnin has brought me nowhere but to where I've always been
depressed, alone, searing for a spec of connection
In my times of running I have stumbled upon good moments and bad moments, each keeping me running
but you can't run forever kid, you can try but you won't survive
I've been running from myself, the pain, the pity, even the great things because I'd rather sit in the rain than enjoy the sunshine bliss
But I think I have started to realize that I am me and life just is.
I am funny because Maddy laughs at my jokes
I am creative with my art whether its painting or creating a tea party hat
I am loved by so many amazing people from my parents to my rat
and I know I am hated by people too
I have a chemical imbalance in my brain causing me to want to cut myself to stop from being numb
Yet I am beautiful because my brown not so ordinary blue eyes and my cupid bow lips plus don't forget my porcelain skin
I am active when I want to lose weight or reap the pleasure of endorphins
I am defeatist because I feel I don't deserve any of it
I use sex , drugs, alcohol to connect
I'll smoke a blunt to forget why I began
I'll cry for the beauty of the world and also for the pain it brings
I will walk to the trails walked by many but I wont forget to smell the golden perfume of every flower I pass
I will tear up my poems calling them worthless shit
I will say I'm not good enough because after desperate pleas you still don't want me
I will bark and meow randomly because its stupid yet it makes me smile
I will cower when people say something I don't agree with because all I want to do is fit in
I will wait till 5am to talk to someone 8,000 miles away because he is a good person
I will do jumping jacks in throton hall for a bio lab and feel my boobs going up and down
I will wish I had a melodic voice like Judy Garland
I will finger paint on a fresh canvas because the paint feels slimy an silky at the same time
I will walk out into the rain so that I can cry without anyone being the wiser
I will be creeped out by the guy who eyefucks me on the airplane then tells me about his kids
I will always say it feels like summer when I smell the barbeque grill smoke in the wind
I will hate that marine forever and never forgive
I will reread harry potter again and again till my fingers can't turn the page from 704 to 705
I will wear my fishnet knee highs proudly in the middle of the day
I will cross my fingers in hope of an "A" on the test and then get a "C" wondering why I never studied
I will rejoice in finding the necklace I lost two months ago
I will fall to sleep while listening to a math lecture
But what I've learned is that it is all about me
I...
I can see life as it is, a great and terrible beauty
while I cry about it and be depressed
But I wont because life just is.
If life is dealing you shitty cards you up the anty because you believe you can win or at least hope you can
If you are already holding 5 million dollars in chips you keeping betting high for the chance that you will win or lose it all
Because life aint easy, never has been, never will be
But by some miracle you're in it
you're alive and god damn me if that is not enough reason to smile
So, maybe you lost your home
your boyfriend left you
and your life is so shitty that your pointer finger is on the trigger trembling
ready to end it and go to easy street
but wait
you have free will
free will to make the best or worst of this situation
and though death may be a easy, selfish, blissful idea
it's a waste to even think about it
Because life is what you make it
and though there may be things that you will never be able to change
you deal with the cards in your hand.
It all comes down to me
to you
and nobody else
So stop running kid, life will catch up to you and remind you that things are shit
but it's not worth it to give up and give in
life is meant to be lived

dutch.. who cares much? I do.

Why do I wait patiently for the witching hour in which we will talk? Why do I sacrifice sleep to read the words you type to me? Why do I care enough for you? You are some person I don’t know, the only things I know of you are what you present. You could be a rapist, gang banger, druggie, pedophile, but somehow I trust you. Is it ignorance. Then I am sure it’s true that ignorance is bliss. You could disappear in a second and then I would never hear another word from you. I would be crushed. Why would someone be crushed over someone she hardly knows? Because I think I know you, I think you have shared special moments with me, and that we have some sort of connection. That is why I do all of this pathetic nonsense. I debate with myself whether it is pathetic and a waste of time or if I am truly creating something worthwhile. What’s worth while when everything eventually dies. I am trying to be realistic yet I can’t be because I so want to believe in my own fairy tale ending. But the chances of that glass slipper being slipped onto my foot by you is 99.9% unlikely. Why waste my beauty sleep over you? See here I try and justify why it’s ok to wait for something that will never come while also telling myself I am stupid for even continuing to talk to someone extremely, extensively unavailable. Someone I knew used to say, “I love you more than the sun loves the flowers.” So could I say I love you more than I even know? Why indulge yourself in something you cannot have, it brings only disappointment if you’re me. If you’re a sensible person you would realize that it is not possible and that ‘you and him’ do not exist. And no matter how cute his face is when he pacifies your cynical views with his dutch sweet talk, it comes down to me being fucking stupid. Me being attached, me being let down by my own whatever. So the resolution would be to buck up and let go. Yet the very thing I continuously yearn for is a connection and now it is visible that I will go across the internet and the Atlantic to find it. But ‘it’ cannot and does not exist over the internet right? And by the time I would actually meet him he would be taken and long gone. So with everything against this what keeps me lingering on? Is it my desperate attempt for some connection or really do we have some miniscule spark that somehow can be felt through cox cable connection. Idealistic and unrealistic is what you are. And me, I can’t say what I am anymore. This whole thing confuses me.

belief strangled with hopes & dreams

I had my tarot cards read in Vegas this week by a guy named Eric. He was pretty good and on point with everything he said about me. And I myself being a believer of some kind of clairvoyant magic was stricken with an expressionless face, so as to hope to give him no signs that he was right. But he was. I think some people have a gift for stuff like this even if it is some voodoo magic shit. He said one thing that I did not like/ did not want to be true for my future. Now this of course turned me off. And I didn't want to believe anymore that this silly pack of cards actually held some insight into my future. Though for instance if he had said what I wanted to hear then I would've been more partial and accept to my imminent future. But with chances like that in a tarot card deck you're bound to be disappointed. Not everyone can have their cake and eat it too. Truthfully I don't even understand how tarots work. Are some cosmic forces telling the cards what my future holds? How would cosmic forces even know about me or my future. Maybe it's all a bunch of bullshit to rob ignorant people of their money. Maybe that goes for religion in some way too. But I mentioned , briefly this situation to my dear friend casey and he said, " life isn't planned out for you, things aren't waiting to happen, but you must make them happen." I think he's right. I can doubt this tarot guy reader all I want but the thing is maybe somehow the cards do hold this specific truth and I just don't want to accept it. Either way I am afraid he's right. Not afraid just sad, I thought for once I felt a connection but maybe my infatuation is getting the best of me... again.

cat eyes

cat eyes burning into your pupils as you take it all in
pure body ebony silk moving with the rhythm
diamonds shake
she flips her hair and you're hooked
drawing you into her seduction stage
grabbing you by the collar she whispers, "you turn me on"
lips red and lush
cherry like
about to burst
leaving her mark of sin all over your neck, your shirt
then she teases your inner beast
persuading him to creep out, creep out
cat eyes and a pure body of ebony silk throws away all worries, all doubts
then she caresses every shape upon her toned pulsing body
nipple to breast, breast to hips, hips to thighs then she touches herself where you least expect it
crazy, french, the girl is one in a million
with cate eyes
and a twist of her wrist
and a smile that leaves you wondering
cabaret, oh cabaret
you've done it again
intoxicated lust compiled with a stage full of gorgeous women
now you don't stand a chance
give up, give in
to the naked ladies of dance