"Yeah Bitch!"

Being comfortable is comfortable, obviously. So, why relinquish the static habitual bliss ? Same is good, but more often than not I find that change is better. Therefore, to grow you have to move and stretch like the ever reaching branches of a tree. I have yet to see a tree have down turned branches.

You must move forward, mix it up, do it differently, or whatever it may be. In order to get a different outcome you must choose different actions. So, here I go into a slice of adulthood that holds my hopes of a future. It may be terrible or totally grand, it's an experience none the less, and that is priceless.

My point is don't be afraid of being uncomfortable.

The other day as I hung in a rock climbing harness that looked like a diaper climbing halfway up my ass while it squeezed my bloated stomach out of the cover of my shirt, I struggled to find the right route to take without falling backwards into the void of loserville. People at the rec center could see me from all angles, pretty or not. Despite all of these grand perks, it was extremely thrilling to be scared. To be vulnerable. To be at the hands of another person's ability to belay me.

I somehow climbed to the top of the rock wall and squeezed that ridiculous bike horn. Yes, I looked like a demented spider with its legs turned backwards, but I did it. I conquered the fear, or took a bite of it and spit it out like a badass. As Jesse Pinkman would say, "Yeah bitch!"

Make life your bitch, not the other way around. Ya dig?

Heroine

Sometimes I think it would be fun to still be the villain, and also the victim of my own clandestine self destruction. How can someone play both parts at once? I don't know how I did it for so long. I would viciously tear myself down and build myself back up with a foundation as shaky as my confidence and much smaller than my self loathing habits. I never understood the self depreciating Isabella Swan or Anastasia Steele (who are basically the same character). Always thinking they are less than what they're supposed to be or could be. I hated seeing a woman yank herself out of the game because of some convoluted notion of not being good enough. I despised it because I was the same way. All I had done and everything I believed I was brought me pain and a faulty perception of what I one day could or could not be. I'd say,"why would you let him do that" or, "you're so fucking dumb, you can't even keep up" or, "I am weird. I am wrong." Some variation of self hatred.


I let my villainous self massacre me. I was the victim to my own crime. How twisted and bizarre of a time it was when death seemed like an answer because reality was my hell.


Now, here I am 6 years later and a heroine to my own story, my own life. As a heroine and warrior I know the battle is never over, things will come and go, heartbreak and tragedy will ensue, but also that the light I keep in my heart will somehow prevail. Instead of hiding and shrieking for a bottle of beer to solve life's calamities I am now tensing up and waiting for the hit, packed with armor and a sword all welded with my bare hands. Life may annihilate all I have but I'm still the heroine, holding myself up, looking towards tomorrow instead of the past. Life is a bitch, but it is far more pleasant when you are the heroine of your own story, instead of prey to your own folly. Don't believe what they tell you about not reaching these invisible standards. You are your own worst enemy and your best supporter. Do yourself a favor and give up on being helpless. Simply be your own heroine.