Today is the day, possibly, since I can't remember if the christmas party was yesterday today or tomorrow.
I have been sober for a year. A year. 364 days. Can you imagine? It is like having an itch you can't scratch cause you know if you do your skin will just fall apart cell by cell. It's like handcuffing yourself to a chair, willingly, while snakes parade around your body waiting to bite you. It is this overwhelming feeling of want, of need, of desire. Lust for the bad even though in that moment it feels oh so good. It's is like wearing a blinking sign around your neck that says, "I am out of control. I cannot manage my life. I therefore have to bar myself of bars."
It is incredibly difficult to say "No" when all you want to do is say, "yes."
Do you know what it is like to admit to yourself that you're incapable of managing your disease, your problems, your own sanity?
I don't know. It is hard to accurately describe this weight that you carry around each day as friends and family encourage you to drink. They wave it in your face, never knowing the struggles you have faced. But, that is the way it is. No one is ever going to understand fully because it is a personal situation. This is why you have to be good to yourself and have the courage to say, "No," despite everything they will never understand.
The want to be sober arrived after going to a christmas party with this guy I liked. He is straightedge, and in my eyes, was so cool. My feelings for him at that point were irrevocable. Anywho, we went to this christmas party and I got drunk while of course he stayed sober. I tried to slurp down any drink I could, even if it wasn't mine. I remember taking a martini glass and asking him if it was mine, I drank it regardless of his answer. We went to his house and I was very drunk. I fell asleep in his arms immediately. I woke up not remembering much. How typical. I drove home feeling like such a fucking stupid drunk whore. He stayed sober and was completely himself while I tried to drown my insanity over what we were or weren't with boozes.
He made me want to change. He made me want to be myself. He made me want to be like him. Strong in his conviction.
And, since that party I have been sober. There was a moment where I slipped up and had drinks at a party with this pretentious screenwriter. Needless to say he didn't start talking to me until I had a few drinks in me. Jackass. At least he shelled out his credit card for it.
The reason why I say I have been sober for a year is because that night was just one night, and though I made this promise to myself based on a time frame, it became much more than a number of days. It evolved into this commitment to myself and to no one else. It wasn't about the days. It was about the strength I used during that next day to stay sober.
So here I am. Another day of sobriety under my belt. Has my life changed? Drastically.
No longer am I having sex without the ability to say no. No longer am I physically abusing my boyfriends. No longer am I waking up to vomit on my sheets. No longer am I throwing up on myself during muni rides or having friends carry me home because I am too wasted to walk. No longer am I ruining friendships with my best friends just because I am a drunk idiot who says hurtful things. No longer am I cutting myself, mixing drugs, having severe lows. No longer am I pretending to be happy when I am clearly not.
Sobriety has brought me a brighter world. Not an easy world. But, certainly a world I can bear to live in.
My hope is to continue living soberly for as long as I can, but I find that even harder to imagine as my promise to myself is over and the want to fit in is still extremely overwhelming. I plan on going to AA meetings again and hopefully meeting more sober people. I don't know what will happen tomorrow, but at least today I am sober.
Believe in me. This road is tough. One day at a time.
