where's my sign? Thank GOD nothing showed up.

"But your soul you must keep, totally free"


If you're burdened by your thoughts.
Waiting for a sign to save you.
Your blood churns in disgust.
If only the world would work out in your favor.
Life is just too hard for the sober minded.
Wasting a life each time the sun rises
Wishing you were dead so you could waste away all time.
Then you'll wake and realize you've been drowning in a disguise.
No one is going to show you any of this.
You must earn it all yourself.
Stop your complaints, don't be happy, I don't care.
Just finish it.
Be armored.
No one can hurt you.
Drink life as if you were forever thirsty.

"Hope? I heard that girl is a bitch."

Do you ever have so much hope that it turns out to be a bad thing?

Well I do. I have too much hope in things that hold no promise whether it be lifestyle choices, men, my job, etc. When am I going to start living my life and leave all these things behind?

I invest so much of my hope in the past because I think it holds my future.

The truth is that all that matters is the present. This moment. Now.

My catharsis starts now.

But, one last question. Am I still holding on because of hope or because there's still something worthwhile in these things?

I don't know. Maybe yes, maybe no.
I am honestly probably the worst person to judge a situation like that.

I guess I can't wait forever for things to change.

Time to move on.
Goodbye Hope.

Fifty Shades of Fucked Up: unmasked and whipped

Well, I just finished Fifty Shades Darker by E L James. If you don't know already, the trilogy of The Fifty Shades of Grey novels are about the erotic and kinky relationships that spurs between Ana Steele and Christian Grey.

The novels were written as a fanfic for Twilight. Fan fiction is where fans continue the stories of characters such as Bella and Edward or Ron and Hermione or even Hermione and Ginny in a sexually exploited way.

I found Fifty Shades of Grey and the sequel, Fifty Shades Darker to be compelling, yet greatly disappointing.

Besides the fact that it was Twilight all over again just with different names, scenarios and characters, it was disgusting how self deprecating Ana, our protagonist, is and how misleading it is of the world of BDSM.

I'll admit when I first read Twilight while sitting in the hallways of high school, ignoring my hot boyfriend and secretly hoping for a SoCal Edward to appear, I was over the moon about the book. I was a Twihard. Team Edward all the way. Someone please take me to Forks, Washington.

Anywho, I suppose reading this new rendition of the Twilight story and characters under the name of Fifty Shades of Grey, only drove my thought of hatred and disgust further.

The novel's protagonist, Bella and Ana, are so obscenely self deprecating that I think it to be a crime that wounds its readers.

Young girls (maybe or maybe not in the case of Fifty Shades) read these novels thinking that it is okay to think so lowly of themselves. Movies and books influence our lives in ways we can't even begin to know. For anyone who hasn't read either of the novels let me give you a quick summary: Neither Ana nor Bella think they are worthy of the love of the their man (Christian & Edward). They countlessly and tiresomely say how they don't understand why this man loves them. "How could someone like you be with someone like me."

I am sorry Bella and Ana, but shut the fuck up.

They are seriously misleading women and girls to believe that if they think lowly of themselves that there will be some man waiting in the wings for them, professing how unworthy he is of them.

Let me tell you from first hand experience. When you start whining and complaining how you feel unworthy of your lover's heart and soul, they will leave, quickly.

I know because I have had people leave me for that self deprecating behavior. I have left people for that behavior because no matter how often or how much I tell someone I care and love them, they still continuously harp about how they think they are annoying me or how they aren't good enough. It is fucking annoying and honestly after a while you're like, "fine you ugly self loathing person just leave already."

Jeez!

I think the book glorifies women feeling inadequate. Bottom line. You don't have to be pompous and egotistical, but you should love yourself enough to know why someone else would also.


Lastly, though I don't know the dark depths of the licentious lifestyle of BDSM, I do know that Fifty Shades only touches on it briefly. It gives a misleading idea about the lifestyle and I think readers will wrongfully identify with it. To me it does not seem right to romanticize BDSM when the nature of it is pleasure in pain. Let me clarify that I do not disagree with the lifestyle or the choices, but I read the book particularly because I saw a page that said fisting and butt plug on it and unfortunately it was found nowhere else in the book. I find it to be a faulty account of the culture, and that's all.


Overall, the female leads that self loathe and seek validation from a man makes me disgruntled and disheartened. What happened to our femme fatales? Also, painting a picture of leather and whips and flowers and hearts is a jigsaw puzzle of controversy (though that is not to say that there isn't love in BDSM because there is, but too many stupid and naive people are going to read this book and then go out and buy japanese silk rope and accidentally asphyxiate themselves while trying to get off).

At the same time I think it is good to unveil this somewhat taboo lifestyle, hopefully enlightening all those close minded people.

In conclusion, I despise the characters mainly because they mirror an old reflection of myself and I would hate for anyone to hate themselves as much as I did at one point in my life.

The end.

hearts aren't practical

Sometimes I get distracted by the little things. I was happy, gleeful, and excited about what was to come and now I feel morose, disheartened, dejected.

I've been practicing (only in this past week or so) calmness. Trying to take everything in stride. Not overreacting.

But right now I feel like I've been still enough to earn some time to overreact.



My love life sucks. I mess things up with my insecurities and need for self control. Also, I care too much most of the time to the point where I think I am trying to save something, but instead I am just strangling it to death.

I am one of those girls who squeezes her rodents too tight and unfortunately breaks their tiny ribs. Fear not, this is just a metaphor and has never really happened.



I realized today that I wish some of my relationships (is dating considered a relationship?) had continued. I wish I hadn't strangled them to death. I am not broken from these ends because I have better insight than that. But, I still cared then as I do now. Maybe these relationships would've still hit a dead end eventually. I don't know. I just hate when there's this space where old feelings lie, waiting, waiting for something to bring them forth again, but instead you have to pretend that they aren't there or that they are there but you are an adult now so you must quietly ignore them and still be happy. Any day I would take these friendships over the relationships (for now at least), but it's hard to have a friendship when things aren't dead nor settled.

I think we all fear being vulnerable, saying how we feel. The main reason I write on this blog or in my journal is because it is the only place I can really be honest with myself. I admit at times I hide behind this internet interface, but for the most part I'd like to believe that everything here is something you already know, not a surprise where I am virtually stabbing you with words over the internet (though that has definitely happened before, and more than once).

As I continue to grow and learn in this life, I think one big thing that is pertinent to any relationship is communication, being able to say how you feel with integrity and faith that your vulnerability will not go unnoticed and that the other person will give you the same respect to tell the truth, unbridled.

I think it is so difficult because we associate confrontation with anger and negative thoughts. We associate being vulnerable with being helpless and needy.

What if we told someone, that someone, how we felt, completely and truly. The end, no drama, no "why don't you love me?!", no stage 5 clinger, just here are the facts take it or leave it. If we could be completely open and understanding I think we would be a lot better off. And just cause you're understanding, doesn't mean you don't have to pretend you aren't hurt.


Wizard of Oz: As for you, my galvanized friend, you want a heart. You don't know how lucky you are not to have one. Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.
Tin Woodsman: But I still want one.

keep breathing, get help, stay strong

I see many people post on tumblr about wanting to commit suicide. I was there, the same place as they are now, but a while ago. I still get severely depressed, but not suicidal. I understand their pain, but yet I also don't understand their need for death.

I used to understand, but I don't anymore which I suppose is a good thing.

I only wish I could stretch their eyes open, similar to how Alex's eyes are "kept" open in A Clockwork Orange, and show them how beautiful the world is. I know the world is also evil and tragic, but it is also so magnificent and worthwhile.

Duality all over again.

Anywho, for those struggling, just keep breathing, get help, stay strong.