My life has changed dramatically over the past 5 months. It has gone from absolute mania to silent whispers. Now my life is only filled with whispers of desires instead of the typical cacophony of debilitating sounds that caused my mind to burst open. In plain english, my life has become normal and repetitive. Mind you this is refreshing and peaceful yet at times very uninteresting. Maybe all this normality is because my life is actually on track. Maybe it is because I finally feel like I can move freely in my own skin. I don't know what it is but all I can say is how odd, disconcerting, and astounding it is to see your own life change as quickly as a revolving door in fancy smancy hotel. One moment you are there and the next you are somewhere, nowhere to be seen. The revolving door can be an optical illusion for some people but for me it is just a sign of hope; Things are much better and will only continue to get better.
By no means am I saying that my life is as perfect as a peach because truly I am just as much ridden with hardships as I ever have been. And as I enjoy Rusko, dubstep extradionare and a reminder of my past troubles with alcohol and drugs, I think about how I have come too far to turn back now.
I watched Jersey Shore, the season where they are based in Italy, and all I could see on the Tv was myself. I saw myself falling down stairs drunk, vying for someone's attention and love despite their disgust, lying about the things I had done and all together just being an immature fool. I am of course not fully cleared of all my hiccups but I have to say that I am definitely past where those 23-30 year old Jersey kids are. Thank God for that.
And now I am here, trying to do things different, trying to follow my dream. I am changing the "maybes," into "I will!" This whole growing up and leaving NeverLand feeling has got me twisted with happiness. Though I still have a long way to go it is nice to have stopped fighting against myself to be something and someone I'm not. Now I am fighting alongside everything this big ball of magma spews at me: the good, the bad, the ugly.
Bring it on.
