Contradiction

It's funny because I mentioned "contradictions" in my last blog and now here it crops up again. I recently have been telling myself that my new motto is, "no fear!" (despite the fact that it reminds me of the fucking clothing brand) and that "life is too short to not take chances!" Today and over the past few days I have found myself in fear. Deep fear. That fear you get when you're walking up the stairs and you misstep where your foot hardly touches the next stair. Suddenly through that misstep you feel like you're going to fall backwards. Your stomach jumps and you hope to God there's a banister to your right side that you can grab so it will save you. I feel like I could fall backwards, that's my fear. Fall back into who I used to be, to what I used to do, how I used to act. Over the past few weeks my life has changed a good amount. I am mostly sober. I have smoked twice over the past 2 weekends. I haven't had a drink, as far as I can remember, since spring break and even over spring break I didn't drink heavily at all. I don't go out much. I mainly only hang out with people I trust and love up here in San Francisco which isn't many. I typically stay in and watch movies, do homework, write, read and workout. If you're reading this you might be saying, "shit, she's a fucking loser." And, my response is, "maybe I am a fucking loser but I can honestly say I am really happy for once and very excited for my future." This elatedness is definitely a result of my increased soberness and the other changes I have made such as letting go of the things I cannot control in my life and only dealing with the things I can.

This blog is not intended to preach to you. I only intend to explain myself because although I am happy I still have fears, I still worry and I want to emphasize the reason/importance of the changes I am going through.

Lately, I have been asked to hangout with certain people. Somehow I come up with one reason or another to deny them. "I have a lot of homework to do,""I am busy this weekend but maybe next weekend,""I'd love to but I already have plans." Mostly white lies or complete lies. These certain people are all men or boys or whatever. I have found I don't want to be around any guys. I don't want to talk to guys that I don't already trust, know, and love. I apologize for being this way but I can't risk disappointment right now. One day, hopefully soon, I'll be able to open my heart back up but for now I don't want any guy near it. Not because you have all trampled over it but simply because I can't win at it and it gets to a point where you're done trying to make things work. And even friendships with guys right now seem disgusting to me because I am so tired of dealing with "it", everything that comes with "it." And I have to say most of "it" is brought on by me :) It goes something like this... We are friends, we hookup, and you either A)Don't like me and just want to fuck me B)Do like me and still want to fuck me C)Do like me but I don't like you D)Don't like me and want me out of your life but I become very attached/psycho/needy. Anywho, I can't do it because I am afraid I'll go back to being the old me because the old me thrives off of disappointment and misery and that's how everything I start with guys ends. That's probably the most honest thing I know about myself. So I am sorry if I have shut you out.


So I guess what I am trying to say is that I am a contradiction to my own self proclaimed motto. I don't want to be, but I figure there are things to be fearful of and things to take chances on. I believe love is something that you should always take a chance on but sometimes things have to be at the right place and at the right time. All in all this blog might just be for myself, saying, "Molly you are able to admit to yourself that you need to be cautious in your fragile state of mind because for you it can be fleeting. But, this in itself shows you're not fearful of one day being happy because you know in order to succeed you have to be smart about your mind/health/life/love/etc." And, in the past I feel like I have been afraid of happiness because all I knew for so long was misery, hopelessness, hatred for life and myself. When you've been to that place it's hard to imagine a happy life full of prosperity and opportunities and if you actually get a chance at that life you never think it's going to last. You sabotage yourself.

I do want to find love and have many friends/relationships... yada yada yada :) but fear is a contradiction as many things are and I think it's just another thing you must gauge for yourself. What am I going to take a chance on today? What do I fear, and should I fear it?

Fear is okay as long as it doesn't control you. Right now I feel inhibited by my fear but I also know that it's guiding me to a place where my fears will be more manageable. <-- sorry if that doesn't make sense


Thanks for tuning in :)

Mrs. Darren Criss

Just before I start and end this quickie blog post, the previous one about my grandpa's death has more spelling/grammar errors than most of my stuff typically has and I also jumbled some of my words so take a breath of relief that when I have time I will edit it but for now...
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I want to write
I want to pour myself out to you and have you look down at all my insides and then pour yours right back into a pile of all our emotions that seem to messy to contain.
I write to connect. In all ways that I possibly can, when I write I hope you feel what I feel or that you want to feel what I feel or something of the sort.


And now I am here. I am kind of tired and in some ways would rather read my book, The Girl Who Played With Fire by Stieg Larsson. But I am going to try and put what I can out here. I am not the one doing you the favor but it's quite the opposite, I thrive on the prospect that someone gets to hear me, see me, nakedly without as many restrictions as I usually put up. So if you're reading this, thank you.

Lately I have been a snail curled in my bed most of the time. I watch hulu, I read, I nap, I do homework, I watch netflix, I watch another netflix. I have created my own shell where I am finding it easier to I guess you could say deal with things. I don't really go out and drink anymore or go to parties. I stay home or see my brother or hangout with my roommates and play uno haha... it does vary but overall I have become very introverted and for me with introversion comes also, revelation/reflection.

Long story short: I chose to be a biology major for the wrong reason. I am now trying to withdraw from my chemistry class and I have decided to go to saddleback for a year and transfer somewhere with a new major (hopefully cinema, maybe english)

So who cares right?

Basically I just want to say that life, you are a big fucking contradiction. You cannot have your cake and eat it too (some people get lucky like hmm angelina jolie or something). Everything comes with karma, consequences, repudiation, yadadadaaaaaaaaaa. I guess in better words is that there's no direct road to drive on in life... people make you believe there is but god damn them for lying to me because they are wrong. Double edged sword. I will relate this to my direct problem... they say, "do what you love (for your career)."... they say, "don't major in things/subjects that won't produce a profession that can't support you financially." And after many talks with people I have decided maybe life isn't as big of a contradiction as I think it is, maybe I am just growing up and seeing life for what it really is... fucking difficult. And so going off of this tangent, I picked a biology major cause I wanted to be smart, I wanted to be a doctor and make money. In high school I was the dumb one out of my friends, I mean my friend Rachel is amazingly smart & wonderful, is at Cornell and is now studying for her MCATs. My friend Stephen got a perfect SAT score and there I was in H.S. unable to even pass my weekly AP bio tests. I felt stupid, that's what it comes down to. And though I do have interest in biology I was trying to please everyone else which would indirectly please me. I guess I just realized recently that I am tired of being a people pleaser. I mean I am not going to parties anymore because I am too tempted to drink and I don't really like them in general for other reasons. I typically went to big parties because I wanted to put out this persona that I was a fun and an outgoing person... all trying to make other people think some way of me to make me happy in the end. I guess I have always been battling to be happy and content with myself. Maybe now I am closer than ever.



Anywho, I realized that bio is not my thing... end of story. I started talking to my mom about possibly changing my major to cinema and whatnot and basically she said how competitive it was and how it would be hard to make a living. And please don't get me wrong because I love my mom ( and dad) more than anything and I value their wisdom and advice they have to give but at this very moment I felt so bad because I felt like society/everyone else/maybe even godzilla was crushing my dreams to be a screenwriter or something of the sort in cinema.

Everything nowadays is hard. Everything is competitive. America used to be known as the land of opportunities. I feel like people have truly lost the ability to believe. Or maybe because of recent events such as the downfall of the economy people have a hard time imagining things prospering. Trust me, I don't expect things to be easy, I certainly don't know how hard it will be but I have an immense amount of PASSION for almost anything and everything in the creative zone. Basically, it's not something I am lacking (passion). My point is that nothing is a guarantee but most things, no, everything is possible. Me meeting Darren Criss and falling madly in love with him is completely possibly. Me making a shitty feature film is totally possible. Me being an amazing person/director/screenwriter/wife of Darren Criss is 100 % within reach... we just have to believe and work for it.


the moment you stop believing, or the moment you let what everyone else is saying stop you is the moment when you lose your chance to make your dreams come true.


My goal: be myself.. completely and totally. meet Darren Criss hahaha. Believe in myself.


That's what you missed on Molly's Life


sorry if there are spelling mistakes n shit in this one.. will edit later