college student life of unhappiness

Well here I am, college student in her dorm room trying to decide if she is happy. Happiness is such a variable term, not meaning one thing in particular. You could b happy with a container of nutella and unlimited bananas or even saving peoples lives all day. Every time I think of the word happy, something different comes to mind, meaning that I possibly don't know what I want. Maybe happiness is more than a state of mind, maybe it's a conceptual place that I can spread my wings and fly to. I guess if you asked me what my life would look like if I was happy then I would answer that to have a happy life and be happy internally I would want... (by the way this is an extreme fantasy image in my head that changes every 7 seconds) to be traveling the world with a moderately nice camera, my mac, a b.s. degree in biology, a huge ipod filled with the most memorable miraculous songs, pursuing an M.D. in the near future, falling in love with every turn around a corner, having friends from all over the world, having the ability to jump on trains with only $5 in my wallet. In a way I believe and have always believed that happiness for me is change. The ability to get up and go change your surroundings is happiness. I once read a quote saying that the person who wants to leave the place they call home is not happy with themselves... or something along those lines. I guess I feel bound by myself, my parents and society. Everything has consequences and life isn't fair. I think I am having trouble realizing that maybe this exact moment is not the time to get up and go on a train to timbuck two or to relinquish all my valuables and live on the streets, I think this is a time to realize that ability to have happiness is around me, even if it's not my ideal form of happiness. I live in one of the most amazing cities in the world and I am talking about leaving it, going to places I don't even know of. Maybe everyone has the dream of getting away, living their life by the seat of their pants. I feel like I am being selfish and ignorant. Why can't I do what I want to do? Yes maybe I can stow away to Europe in someone's suitcase but I could surely study abroad or something. Maybe I need a plan to become happy. Maybe happiness happens on its own. I am not sure, I know I have been happy but never a constant happiness excluding the exception of this summer. So here I am, a college student not writing her final english paper and dreaming about the things that have the possibility to be. I will find a way.

Do you remember.

Do you remember the sting that etched a memory into heart. True love breaks its promise every time. There you are alone, quiet, hungry for something that will stretch your stomach lining till you burst because all you yearn for is to feel the bitter taste of love after being numb from it for so long. So do you remember the high school dates with chocolate chocolate milkshakes and your dad letting you take out his T bird, or asking your parents if you could stay out one extra hour because it would mean so much too you. We all wanted that high school puppy dog, heartbreaking, gooey, sappy, drizzling, scrumptous, forbidden love. It once tasted so sweet. Most of us grow out of that high school, he said, she said, love phase. We either become prostitutes who don't charge money but who charge everything in the fine print; your house, dog, netflix account, toothpaste, and most importantly your love. But, these prostitutes pretending otherwise making it seem that it's all fun and games no strings attached, and whether it's you, them, or both of you, someone gets attached and WAHHHBAMMM you're in a relationship. Now the others who graduate from a puppy dog love crush go into celibacy basically, saving themselves for the special people, giving things time before jumping into a dark ocean that holds no reprieve, they covet love in the best way possible; time and patience. I have become the first example. Always searching, hoping, wishing, wanting love, or something of the sort. But, once again here I am with no lessons learned and my girlfriend telling me that he was the immature one. I'm not here to argue whether it was I or him who caused the problem, whether it was a joint mission to destruction. I guess I am writing because I don't know what else to do. I am stuck with a side of me being sad that things ended this way and a side of me saying "honey, he was a fucking jerk most the time and this is for the best." (I am picturing Fran Fine giving me this advice ) How do we get ourselves into these tangles? These horrible dumbfounding webs of mess that stick to our fingers even after the millionth rinse from the sink with the abrasive soap. I'd like to think it was all my fault because in that case then I can try to fix it, if it was his fault then I can't fix it, I can only accept that he really is a fucking douche bag ignorant rude son of a bitch. He really isn't all those things, just a rude immature jerk, that about covers it. I guess I was just expecting us to all grow up and start acting differently, start acting better because going back to the high school love years really sucks. Why can't we all get along? Why can't Molly find love? Also why are movies so easily able to put in love scenes where the football player and the studious girl kiss in the rain in front of the whole school? When does this magical stuff all take place? I must be sitting on the couch moping when it goes on because all I see is complications, heartbreak, stress and sometimes happiness.